Hello Everyone,

I came upon this board by chance and wanted to share my story and ask for some advice. After ready some of the stories here, I'm thinking in my head, My God, I never realized how many people are abused and how many people are suffering more then I am and I'm so sorry for that.

I feel like maybe I don't belong here because maybe things didn't affect me in the same ways that it did others. I started being sexually abused at the age of 6. My mother left me with the man down the streets 14 year old son to babysit and he had sex with me, intercourse. I can remember at that time how much it hurt and what was happening to me was unknown. This happened at least 4 times before they moved. Then another insident was an old man who lived down the street touched me with his hands and how upset I was. My friend I can remember told his daughter who also lived down the street and it never happened again. Then another insident of a man who lived down the street touching me and getting me to try to touch him. I was abused by three different people over a period of about 4 years. You might ask yourself how does this happen, where was my mother? She was always gone. I'm the youngest of 4 and it seemed by the time she had me, she was ready to go out and live her life so to speak. So I was always left at home with my brother's and sister who obviously didnt' pay much attention to what was happening to me.  I was sexually active at a young age and ended up with STD's and pregnant at 18, had an abortion.  It lead to a road of destruction for a long time.

I met my husband when I was twenty and we've been together for 15 years. Things got better when we met and we have three beautiful children.

I've never told anyone what happened to me in my adult life. My mother doens't know, my brother's, my sister, no one. Not even my husband. I'm starting to have issues now, horrible memories. My issues are with my mother and the fact that she was never there and there for I wasn't protected from these horrible things. I feel that I wasn't important enough for her to pay attention to. I still feel like I've never really mattered where it concerned her. We have a horrible relationship and with these feelings coming flooding in, I hate her. I hate that she was never there to protect me and take care of me like she should have been. It makes me so protective of my children. Where they go, who they are with, what is happening. Sometimes I think I'm paranoid. 

My big thing now is do I tell my mom? I want to make her feel as bad as I do for never having been there to protect me. I've never been to counsling for this and need help. Should I tell my husband so that maybe he can understand me better and maybe be a little more understanding of me??  I haven't talked to my mom in 3 months now and it's like I have no feelings for her at all. We've never really been close and she's a really terrible person sometimes. One time I tried to tell her how I felt that she was gone all the time when I was young, she told me that she had heard complaints from my brother's and sisters before and she just didnt' want to hear it anymore. So I've never expressed much of anything to her, but I"m ready for her to know and understand me for once.

Sorry to go on, but it feels wonderful to finally let this out and to people who might know how I feel and maybe I can find some answers to heal my heart and so that I can become a better person for it.

Thanks for listening, Sad Adult