Pushing people Away

liz · Experienced Member

Pushing people Away

claudine · Moderator

lizomatic

yeah, unfortunately, when people get too close, I do the same. But all I think about is how I want them closer so it doesn't make sense. I guess it comes back to 'trust'. Plus not being able to separate affection from sexuality. You may be able to do it, but you can't be sure if they can. How do you know when it changes? Is it just natural and we can't deal with it because of the past?

I think that bus ride broke my funny-bone

c

rob · Veteran Member

Hi liz

I've keeped people at a safe distance all my life (made relationships diff!). I am only now allowing people to approach into my space as I come to terms with disclosure. This website has been a big part of that. I feel safe here!

even so... I am not ready for these new fangled things like pen pals or (Aaaaarghhhh!) live chat. Ca'nt do that yet!!! Will one day I'm sure. Your anger maybe being projected around you. Do'nt know your circumstances but, I know my projected anger has alienated some. At time felt good as it gave me MY SPACE back!

Rob

Raindancer · Veteran Member

I do the same Liz, push people away especially when i need them the most. I havent yet grasped how to hold onto friendships etc (and with that i find it pushes people away) because i become so wrapped up in that friendship and it smoothers them. I dont do this all the time, and its far and few but half of the time im not even aware i've slipped into that pattern, trying to hold onto something i never had. Then there are those that try to help and i keep them at arm's length, friends that would be there if i just let them in...but those walls wont budge when i want them to.

Yeah it is frustrating, and i dont know what to suggest

Sharing in your anger on this one

Raindancer

ellie · Senior Member

liz,

i do this as well and also when i need them most, i suppose because thats when im most vulnerble so feel the need to protect myself and back off. Ive recently become aware of how often im like this and i am trying to change, trying to give people a chance. A close friend sent me a card a few weeks back because she said i was withdrawing, she wanted to let me know she was there if i needed her. It was really scary at first because i realised that she knew me so well that she noticed and then it was scary because she was prepared to do something about it and not let me back off. Its a very slow process this trust in people.

take care

ellie

spunk · Veteran Member

Hi Liz,

I do this too, I don't trust people up close very well.

I know this has alot to do with the abuse, not being allowed to have healthy boundaries or healthy intimacy, not really learning this.

I think that Rob is right, that safety and feeling safe is the key to working on this one. I am just now starting to reach out for friendship after pretty much isolating myself while I work on the safety issues, and my own well-being, self-care. I'm still really afraid, though. I think that it's smart to go slow with this.

And yes, it makes me angry too, that it has to be this way. I'm lonely and I'm tired of it. I get some satisfaction, though from knowing that in the past I would have been in abusive relationships, rather than be alone. I can see some progress, have some hope for the future.

Lisa

Lark · Senior Member

hi liz and all
I get really angry about this as I feel that I have missed out on so much but no matter how I try I cant have proper friendships.
I have two close friends who I either write to or speak to on the phone and am so frightened of meeting with them in the flesh even though we went to school together. I've also been in contact with two more friends from school and they want to get together too and I am just losing it all over the place when I think about it.
I think keeping my distance physically makes me feel safe but it's just not practical.
I do see my partner's friends in the flesh and I find that difficult and most have tried to strike up friendships and I feel SO bad because I just CANNOT!
There is so much guilt but I am so afraid of what might happen.
But as was said elsewhere I have to learn to be able to handle myself and if I feel that I'm in a dodgy situation I have to be able to trust that I will assert my personal space and manage the situation like a strong independant woman would.
One day I will.

ouchzone · Experienced Member

I do it too. I'm protecting myself. Yes it's a trust issue.

I've noticed your negative attitude about yourself. I understand this. But I'm further along the healing journey than you are over this. That's why I was trying to get you to say something positive about youself. I think we were taught to view ourselves in a negative way and valuing ourselves was 'showing off'. It wasn't safe to be honest. Unconditional love is still something I find hard to comprehend. So if we didn't say what they wanted to hear or said what they didn't we were treated as bad. So the real you got trapped inside with the belief that people wouldn't like the real you. Not sure I'm doing this very well. My abusive parent gave me the message I was 'bad inside' because there was nothing to blame me for since I was always on my best behaviour! I grew up believing I was unlovable and that my Dad was a fantastic person because he loved me even though I was unlovable. I think you have to work at gradually spitting out these negative messages you took on board. Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself.

I won some 'progress' prizes at school. I thought I was stupid and worthless because nobody would teach me to read. The message I got from the prizes at the time was ' we know you're really stupid and won't ever earn a real prize so we're giving you a progress prize instead to make you feel better' I'm sure the teachers would have been horrified if they'd known how I interpreted it.

How about a daily exercise. You think of one thing that you've done well during the day or improved on. It doesn't have to be anything major. Good luck. I only say I like someone if I mean it. I already posted somewhere I find it very hard to lie. I've always valued your support it had helped me enormously. I consider you my friend and a likeable person. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others on the forum. You deserve it.

ouch (liz)