What motivates the abuser?

claudine · Moderator

What motivates the abuser?

segelov · Experienced Member

Hi Claudine

What motivates and abuser to appear to care? Gosh how much I would love an answer, having been abused and abandoned (which is also abuse ) there are then letters (only recently seen) asking how are we doing, how are the staff treating us, would'nt we like to be with her, making plans for a future that will never happen. Telling us to be dutiful and obedient children, telling us what sorts of people are suitable friends, and telling us of if she has heard something about our not so good behaviour. This is an answer that I have been looking for for over forty years, and I am no nearer now then I was then, in between I thought that I had found the answer - she had had a dreadful childhood, she was the one that needed to be pitied becasue of what "they" had done to her - they being at various times, the Germans, the Russians, the English, the police, the social services, my father, and so on and so on. She had allowed me to believe during this period that we had been forcibly taken from her - my memory from my childhood hardly existed when I was in my twenties and she knew it. Then as I became less destructive towards myslef and had children of my own it all gradually changed, also as I started not being so hard on myself and was not desparatly trying to remember it started to come back - also studying helped. And now some of the other gaps have been filled by bits of paper.

But what motivates the abuser to appear concerned I would love some one to answer that conundrum!

claudine · Moderator

i know there's really no answer, I had relayed an incident where i was getting a fairly severe beating for getting a poor grade and I just don't understand the contradiction. In telling the story it makes me feel like the listener might doubt me because of the contradiction. If they don't have any similar experience, it doesn't sound believable. Do you know what I mean?

c

segelov · Experienced Member

Oh Claudine,

I think I know exactly what you mean, this seems to me to be fairly typical behaviour of an abuser, it gives them a reason to abuse you "for your own good".

There used to be so many similar instances in the carehome that I was in lots of us kids would be beaten for not achieving, as ell as all the other things - by beating you they thought that might help you to get better grades!!!!!!

Take care

segelov

ouchzone · Experienced Member

I know what you mean. I learnt a surprising thing when junior school age. I made this discovery that loving carers don't enjoy punishing. Learn it in a daft place. Ironside.

I've recently made another discovery. Some Doctors and nurses care when they have to do distressing things to you. It's taken me nearly fifty years to learn that one. Don't think they did used to care. Just said 'don't be silly' 'what a scene' or would have more often if I wasn't more scared of what they were going to say if I didn't cooperate than what they were going to do if I did.

Abusive parent/s or 'carers' have to get away with it. What better excuse than that you 'deserved' the punishment or theat 'it's for your own good' medical traetment?

My mother got upset when I did well at school. It was better to laugh at my awful spelling or despise me 'cos my writign was childish. I think she was jealous because one of her sisters was very clever and she couldn't handle it but I hadn't worked that out at the tiem.

She gave me stuff I didn't want and told everybody. they thought she was wonderful and I was spoilt. Nobody would believe me if I told the truth.

Sending lnks I found very helpful by private message. Don't think allowed to on forum

ouch