Two questions as a result of reading loneleyboy's postings.
How many of us have told our partners (if you have one) about our abuse?
How many of us having told our partners about our past have told them about this website?
I will admit that my partner probably knows more about me then any one else has ever known - we started as penpals (we have two + lever archfiles of letters that were written to each other in a period of two months!!)- and people write more about themselves then they ever reveal in one to one contact or so I have been led to believe - can't remember where I saw that research, but will post it when I find it again.
Have not however told him about this place, and I may well never do so. And i cannot rationalise this one, maybe its because we do share everything (when he is not wandering the globe we share 24 hours a day, business and pleasure) and I need something that is just for me other then inside my head? Be glad to know if anyone understands that.
I had given him a general overview, but didn't really go into alot of details and minimized (still do) the day to day impact of the past. I feel like it makes me too 'high maintenance'. I don't wan't to be a drag all the time, none of my friends know. I've recently shared more and have been forcing myself to be more open about it. At first I did not share about the site, but felt like I was hiding something and didn't want to associate this with anything 'wrong' so I brought it up. I've even encouraged him to read some of the articles. Sometimes, I'll let him see what I'm posting, he's been very respectful of my 'space' and says he won't go to the site unless I ask him to. Of course, I have to trust that he means it, sometimes I don't. But he hasn't given me any reason to disbelieve him.
It's not all so perfect. He thinks I spend too much time here. I get very frustrated when he tries to disctract me. It's not temporary for me, I think he thinks it is.
My partner didn't tell me about it, (she doesn't know - uses another), and I'm not expecting to tell her. I think it's probably better to get your support and for partners to get theirs in different places.
Welcome! glad you found us. I agree that separate space is needed. My own isolation issues are so deep that if I add to my 'secrets', no matter what they are, I feel awful. I don't expect my partner to participate or join the site. I suppose If I thought he might, I may have withheld the info. I feel he play's a vital role in my recovery at this point. I need his participation, acceptance and understanding. I also have to realize that this has a huge impact on his life too. I'm really glad to get you're input on this. Need to hear both sides. It's a struggle for all involved.
i've told every partner ive had about the abuse (ooo that sounds bad) i figure you've got to sort the wheat from the chaff early on. ive been lucky with the responses ive had, only one or two people have struggled with it, the ones that aren't interested i have no respect for so its not really a big deal. i know that sounds cold but healing is central to my life, i wont do it in secret or let others dictate which path i follow. its a journey im more than willing to share with other people but if they cant handle it they're not for me and im certainly not for them.
yeah ive told my partner about this place too, its tough not to, im using his computer! i didnt get much of a reaction to be honest, he's not bothered about it but then why should he be? i talk to him alot about how im feeling and he copes really well but i realise how licky i am to have that in a partner.
hmm think i may have rambled on...sorry about that
My partner has recently (in last year) been told about my abuse. Up untill then i didnt think it was having an effect on me and didnt see the point in bringing all that stuff up!! I must have been quite skilled at keeping it all locked up. Im trying very hard to be more honest and open with him about things that happened and also about how things are affecting me daily. I still have not been able to tell him everything but i hope too someday. He recently told me that he thought this (abuse) had consumned me and he felt helpless and didnt know what to do. He's finding it difficult.
I told him about this website and forum about two weeks ago, he realises that i visti here frequently and seems ok with this and also respects my privacy. He would never visit the site unless i asked him, i dont think he or i would feel comfortable with him visiting this forum or reading my posts. I have had problems with my internet access previously and he has sorted them quickly (quicker than he does any other fixing request from me) because he realise how important it is to me and how supportive i find it.
i didnt tell my husband about the abuse, well i did actually, one drunken night, briefly when we were first together and he forgot!!
he found out properly when my sister decided that it was time everyone knew, so i had no choice as i was falling to pieces (thats when i found out he forgot, nice guy huh!) he doesnt do serious stuff well and didnt really want to know, but it all ended up going to crown court last year and he heard it word for word as i was in the witness stand and he was in the court room. it was only the s*x**l stuff though, not the years and years of other stuff.
he has never spoke about it after listening to it and now expects it to all be over. thats one reason i came to find this site, i needed some support. he knows about the site, but again shows no interest, at least im not wanting to talk to him! my internet access is protected by password, just incase he got nosey when i was out (which is highly unlikely) and he doesnt know the name of the site to find it on his own.
i think the reason, we dont want them to really know about the site is because it is ours, our space, and our thoughts out there, we dont have to worry about hurting them (not that i do anyway, as i dont think that its capable) but the site is a very personal space and thats why i personally think we protect it.
I suppose the reason that I do not tell my partner about this site is because (and now I am stuck) I do not know why I do not tell him as he knew about most of my past before we even met in the real world, and he has been very supportive and to some extent instrumental in my regaining memory and making sense of some of the episodes in my life. I am able to talk to him about almost everything that has happened to me. Just one thing that I have kept from him and from every one else, cause it is still too dreadful to acknowledge. He has encouraged me to go look for information about myself and my past, and he is nearly always there when that information hurts too much. He knew that I was emotionally needy from the start, and never once has he told me to shut up etc. He also took on board a family that included a chronically ill child, and both my girls now acknowledge him as their father (how could I have been so lucky). He knows that I need a few hours on the computer evry evening (well almost) apart from anything the internet is a fantastic search medium as I have found out - I thought that I would meet all sorts of charlatans, and do you know only one person that I have had contact with was such, and thats in 8+ years of searching.
Any way back to why do I not tell this wonderful man that I come here - well because he expects me to keep some mystery is the only answer that I can give at the moment.
Yes my husband knows about my abuse. I only told him after I had first disclosed to the T I was working with nearly 4 years ago. Sat him down after tea one evening and told him I'd borrowed some books from a psychologist friend about sexual abuse. He wanted to know why I needed to read such books and I dropped the bombshell.
Just saying that again has brought it all back - sorry can't write anymore for now. distressing then and still distressing now
I thought I could write here without any problems and then from nowhere - it seems - the memories of that night are just so present.
It was the same day as I first disclosed and I felt like I was in shock - probably because I was. I wanted to read these books but didn't want to read them in secret - because my life up until that point seemed to have been one huge secret.
Poor man didn't know what had hit him. And at that point neither did i really. Yet somehow I expected him to take it in, and support me there and then. How stupid was that? and certainly very naive.
To begin with he was ok about it. Gave me space, didn't want to know all the details and let me be. Over the next few months the support lessened and he expected me to be 'over it.
Nearly 4 years on and he is at a complete loss as to why I can't leave it all behind now. He doesn't ever talk about it and neither do I. - well not to him anyway.
I have told him about this site. His reaction was silence. I haven't expanded. He can't cope with my past. Wants the 'old Liz' back and I'm afraid she's gone forever. Not quite sure yet who will replace her - still working out who the heck I am.....
That was hard to write - yet I needed to get it out. Those first days after telling him remain raw.
My mother knew about my abuse for years ( it was her father) I confided in her and told my secret only to be told to keep it a secret from the rest of my family ie: dad and two sisters, years went by things got worse I got more depressed about it and finally after many attempts at suicide I took what i thought would be the final one, it didnt work, I was found, and the secret was out, my partner made me tell! me my dad and sisters had one conversation about it!
to this day I visit my mother father and sisters and we all chat and have fun and get on really well, but my secret is NEVER NEVER spoke about, and that makes me feel like when I was a child always keeping a secret!
It's as If they've forgotten
my partner knows about my abuse but finds it too difficult to talk about, it upsets him too much so we don't talk!
I don't see a therapist or anyone else so i come here!
thank you for letting me give my opinion even though I feel no-one will bother reading it
Hey, you're wrong on one count only. someone - me has just read your posting and felt very angry on your behalf. All through your posting it felt like you were saying 'I don't matter'. Well, you do matter and you matter greatly to all of us here.
I'm so very sorry that your family cannot acknowledge your pain. That your past has been like a huge secret. That must have been so hard to cope with and I can only imagine something of how it must have been for you.
But please don't think no one cares here - because we do. There is so much support here. People care for one another. Write as little or as much as you want and people will reach out and be there. You will be heard here Angel Eyes. your pain acknowledged and we will carry on being here for you for as long as you need us to be.
My comment was thoughless wasn't it, I type and submit before really thinking!!
I do feel like that though sometimes, that no-cares about me, they only pretend to, I read my posts and my problems seem so unimportant compared to the despair some of you are going through at the moment! I don't want to waste yr time!
You care Liz and I'm sure others do too ( i'm trying to be confident here) and I apologise for assuming otherwise!! because I really care about everyone too,I feel a need to help because I know the pain!!
you take care of yourself and thank you very much for your kind words!!
Hi all My partner knows about stuff because before we got together we were walking through a park with mutual friends when I suddenly realised that it was THE park from when I was 6. I freaked out and the friends who were there who didnt know, knew after that. There is a whole lot that he will probably never know though and most of what he knows he found out when I was drunk. I dont get drunk anymore going on four years sober now I think. He has seen some of my art and writing and counselling homework. I do tell him some things. I tend to use broken sentences and omit certain words and hope he knows what I'm on about. I have told my partner about this site but I asked him not to read it and not to come here (and feel guilty because it might have helped him). I am terrified that one day he will find out my username and read my posts. I am scared that he will walk in on me (Like Hazel, it's my partner's computer and it's in his study) and discover my username. Then it will probably be all over. I'll get counselling about it but I might end up having to create a new account or something. I dont really understand it because most of my posts have been pretty tame compared to what I actually go through. I dont think I've posted anything yet that I wouldnt say to him. I suppose it's just having the option of being able to say something later on that I dont want those close to me to know yet. Let's face it, you guys understand these things and I KNOW I can post stuff here however I will always doubt whether I should say what I want or need to say to my loved ones.
My partner knows everything about my abuse and I know about her abuse. Two-edged sword though!! On the whole it works very well as we can "bounce" things of each other with TRUE understanding of emotions, feelings etc, etc. Sometimes we can over-analyse things though (have to be careful of that one!). We take "our medicine" separately!!!! She knows I am on this site and positively encourages it. She has her own support system which I support her in.