Rats! I panicked again!

Lark · Senior Member

Rats! I panicked again!

ellie · Senior Member

Hi lark,

Nothing wrong with this post, dont worry and it seems in the right place to me. Also if you dont talk about these things we just keep them all inside, much better to type them out here, so keeep on talking/typing.

Lark, it sounds terrifying but you need to cut yourslf a bit of slack and not be so hard on yourself (something we dont find easy). My therapist says not to beat yourself up about your response/feelings because its a vicious circle. Can you find something that grounds you, is there anything that helps? Saying something to yourself like ' i am feeling like this because..... but i am ok, this is safe, this is now'. Dont have a go at yourself.

I have had 2 similar episodes in couselling (im glad im not he only one). I couldnt feel my arms or hands and felt 100 time heavier than they should. My feet were starting to tingle and my lips also and my eye was twitching (god knows what i looked like) but it was absolutly terrifying and i thought i was going to have some sort of seizure. It sounds like a stress response, maybe. Do you do any breathing patterns? also might help.

Hope today is a bit better for you, let me know how you get on.

Take care.

ellie

Lark · Senior Member

Hi Ellie
Thankyou so much for replying. I'll have days and days where I am feeling great and then something will happen and I'll be all at sea again. I'm just feeling so alone right now so your post made me feel a little brighter.
I'm okay at home- I dont really get nightmares too much anymore, I dont need to check locks every five minutes, I no longer drink or smoke and a whole lot of other problems I have gotten over and I'm quite proud of how well I have done in that respect but I just cant seem to rejoin the human race.
I just keep thinking how do I know which people are safe?
Thanks for reading.
Lark

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi Lark

hope your feeling a little better my therapist says its normal behaviour to find terror in strangers ploite conversation it is around trust and thats something we don't have and takes a long time to build.

Sorry I am not much help but maybe you can find some way to keep you focused will give it some thought if you like and see what I can think of you know its important to keep talking it helps to heal

Take care

amanda

HAVOCA · Trustee

hi Lark

This is a good post because i think a lot of survivors of abuse have similar trust issues.

I understand your predicament. Although this guy is being friendly you feel scared because you have difficulty in trusting. If you then force yourself to trust him, you might be ignoring a valuable sixth sense.

There is a good section on trust on the website which you might find useful. It is about practising to trust in a safe environment. Take a look and see what you think.

My initial advice is to be polite, but don't trust him completely, until you can completely trust your own feelings and sixth sense. When this happens you'll be in a better position to decide whether to trust him at face value or not.

This brings up a valuable point. As victims we can easily put our fears and concerns down to our abusive pasts, but having said that we still need to honour warning signs and our sixth sense about individuals and situations. Acknowledging that is enough to keep us safe.

Lark, thanks for your post. You will be safe on the bus, so try not to worry about your reaction. It might be over-reacting, but you won't truly know until you look deeper inside at your own trust issues. So take your time, be polite and smile, but allow yourself to be cautious, that way guaranteeing your own safety.

Treat yourself gently,

Jamie

Lark · Senior Member

Thanks Ellie, Amanda and Jamie for your posts. I still hold my breath after I post and get ready in case nobody answers- seems to be a common fear among us all here. I'm sure if I just keep posting when I need to the fear of not being answered will go away. After all, people do get busy and I guess we cant expect to be answered every time.

I've settled down a little now. The bus driver never says more than hello and how are you but I get so frightened of what that might lead to. I read the section on trust a while ago but I tend to forget things- it's probably a good idea to go back over it all once every three months or so- that's how shocking my memory is. Still, there's a lot I need to re-learn!

I think I lack confidence and I am not a good judge of character of people. Those things add to not being able to trust I think.

I went to the doctor today to get a referral to start seeing my psychologist again but he wants me to wait one month and see how I settle as I've been on a gluten-free diet for six weeks and he wants to see if it affects my mental state.

I wish I didn't have to wait that long but know it's for the best.
I can get so impatient about my recovery!

Regards to all
Lark