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Post Info TOPIC: Trusting Adults in positions of trust with our chi
liz


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Trusting Adults in positions of trust with our chi
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Hi there


I have a 12 year old son who's a Scout.  He loves going to scout meetings and on camps etc.  All the Scout leaders are male and though I know they will have undergone police checks, and they're nice guys I also feel so very wary.  


It's all about trust and I find it really difficult.  There's this fear which erupts every so often that they could be abusing my son - or other children in their care.  It's an awful thing to say isn't it?  There are no grounds for my fear - except my background.  I have to trust them with  other aspects of my son's safety and I guess I do but there's this niggle I suppose 'what if this,' 'what if that'.....  


I guess that if you haven't been abused then you wouldn't give this a second thought. 


Am I just paranoid or do others of you think similar things too?


liz x



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amanda


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Hi Liz


one of the most difficult things for me when my children were young was to entrust them into the care of others.


This was totally my paranoir but because of my abuse it was a very real fear to me


It is also something that is frequently highlighted in the media as a scene for abuse of our children how many times do we hear people have been police checked and they then are found guilty of abuse all these checks mean is the person has never been caught as long as you stay in the same job you are never checked again so its not that safe


On a positive side from what I have learnt from your posts you have brought your children up to be able to express concerns I feel they would feel secure enough with you to raise any concerns with you


We have issues around trust and I know how difficult it is but we have to learn to trust others to anable our children to grow into healthy happy adults


I thought I knew what I was saying but it seems a little muddled I am going to post it and hope you understand


Amanda



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numb


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Liz


You are not being parnoid - just a caring parent who is aware of what can happen.  Sadly there are a minority of people out there who do choice to use this type or organisations to contact young people.  Yes all leaders undergo clearing these days but for me both as a parent but also somebody who has worked with scouts and guiding for 25 years the only way I have ever found reassurance on this is to talk to your son make him aware of boundares.  I am sure you have already done this, probably many times over.  Also talk to the leaders, get to know them.  Qsk questions - if there is nothing to hide they should be open about your concerns.


 


Yes our past makes us even more aware of the risks but in someways we are better at identifing issues because we are not 101% trusting in other taking responsiblity for our children.  Many parents don't even think this can happen and then bang everyone gets the blame when something does occur. 


 


You are being a loving and responsible parent - don't change.


 


take care


numb x



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Frog


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Hi Liz,


I am not sure I will be much help here becuase I have no children.


But I often get parnoid for other poeples kids and these organisations. I use to go to church regularly and I am a chathlic but latly lost all interest, mainly beciase of my ex husbands extremness about it, and knowing him how much he hide behind the religiion, It really bought it home to me.


They say children have a way of saying things, without always saying it, I am sure being a surviour yourself you will be extra tuned into thing so I think if you son had trouble you would pick up on it staight away.


I think what Numb said about asking questions and taking to these poeple will help and is good advise.


I don't really know of any good advise I can give you, but I am sure you would notice you son change if he was having trouble.


I guess the only thing I remeber from my childhood is that I found I couldn't tell my parents, I was so ashamed, so maybe (and I am sure you have done this anyway) but maybe re itterate that he can tell you anything, and he wont get into trouble for it. And also that adults may have responsibility but doesn't mean to say there always right.


Talk to him and ask him about what he does there what the leaders are like etc.


I know I am propberly teaching you to suck eggs here and I really hope I am not offending you but I feel I have to say these things jsut incase you hadn't thourght of any, I just overwhems me to protect children.


So I am sorry if I have said something out of place here I really don't mean to, I just want to help.


I hope what I said is ok and helped in some way.


Take care


Frog



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leckie


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hi liz


when my kids were younger i found it really hard to let them go to scouts, brownies on school camp or anything but i knew i had to let them go as they would end up missing out on part of there growing prosses and i did not want that for them it was so hard to trust anyone with them even babysitters if the were awa then i would worry all the time untill we were together again and i knew that they were safe i felt so crazy doing that but it was just me my way of trying to protect my children


take care john



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Growing roots and wings


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RE: Trusting Adults in positions of trust with our
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Hi Liz.

I really don't mean to make you worry (really I don't), but I think you have valid concerns. I haven't thought about this for years, but someone I knew when I was younger was sexually assaulted by his Cub Scout leader. He hadn't even told his parents. I was the first person he told - he was in his late teens by that point.

A few things about his story really stayed with me. It wasn't so much that his parents trusted the leader or not, it was that the leader was able to get into positions where he could be alone with a child. I've sinced learned that pedophilia is often a crime of opportunity. The leader picked up my friend at his parents house on his way to a camping trip. He told the parents this was his first stop and that he would be picking up 2 other boys. The truth was that the other children were being picked up by other people, the next day. There were no 'checks and balances' in place.

I don't think it's inappropriate to ask what procedures the troop has in place to prevent these 'opportunities' from happening.

A friend of mine who was a Brownie leader said that they always tried to arrange to have more than one adult with any child at any one time. She said parent participation was always encouraged, even if it was just to provide that second set of eyes.

I also agree with Numb and Amanda, some people are drawn to these kind of organizations, but letting your sons know that it's OK to set boundries and letting them know they can talk to you about anything goes a long way to help lessen the likelihood. But I'd still want to make sure there was always a second set of eyes.

J.

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liz


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RE: Trusting Adults in positions of trust with our chi
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Thank you all of you for replying.  All your comments were valid.  It's good to know that others have thought similar things too.  It helps to make me feel less alone with it. 


GRAW - it was you who mentioned that 'it would not be inappropriate for me to ask' .  This, therefore is probably a daft question and makes me sound like a gibbering idiot but have you any suggestions on what I can actually say to the scout leaders by way of asking for this information.  I don't want to have to tell them about me but equally I want to be reassured.  I also don't want them to think 'Who the hell does she think she is asking us that?' I don't want to undermind them but the more I think about it the more I need to know. 


The bit about a 2nd pair of eyes is useful too. 


I find it very difficult to talk to my son about keeping himself safe.  And I should probably say more than I have.  I need to talk to him generally about this - not just the scouting situation.  He's approaching puberty and that scares me too.  I've tried talking to my T about all of this and I find it so difficult because it relates to sex and I just find that so difficult to talk about. 


This may be a topic in its own right.  I don't know. 


liz x 



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