Hi Liz,

I think as victims and survivors of abuse it is instinct in us to help other people out. Dont you just find that at the end of the day when we should be looking after ourselves, we cant because we have spent the whole time considering other peoples feelings and helping the vulnerable through the day?

I think thats why partners find it so irritating that at the end of the day we are so tired and unable to do anything else emotional wise they fel agrieved that there is nothing left for them.

The other point you make is grief, and I can totally understand that. I also grieve for my childhood and for what I lost. My choice of sexuality was taken from me, as I then related all kinds of physical relationships with a man would be like the ones I had with my abuser. He took away part of the relationship with my parents.

The only thing is that people are allowed to grieve for "lost ones" ie the death of someone close, and we are encouraged to explore that and go through the process.

With our abuse it is still very much a taboo subject and as such we arent allowed as much freedom to express our grief as openly as we would normally do.

Dont care if its the weekend Liz, You sound off when you want to.

Big hug coming your way sweetie.

((((((((((((((liz))))))))))))))))))))

Take care

love

Jem

Hi Liz,

Please dont think you are a pain, i certainly dont view or feel that anybody is a pain on this site.  We are here so that we can post and know that we are not alone, so we can share our pain and gain some support.

You are a unique and strong individual and you are worthy of comfort, respect, understanding and love.  I know where you are coming from, i think a lot of us have problems with minimising the abuse done to us.  We can feel for others but not for ourselves.  I think that this takes time, effort and a change in our thinking that we were not to blame.

Liz, is there anything that you find gives you comfort or support - sometimes i curl up on the settee, light candles. nice hot drink, a treat (chocolate- Green and Blacks, my favourate), nice movie or just cuddle a big squashy cushion.  Another thing that gives me some space is to think of my favourite place (somewhere you like and feel safe).

I hope that it eases for you soon and my thoughts are with you.

Take care

ellie

Thanks for all your thoughts and ((((((((hugs))))))))) and kind words. 

Today my aloneness and desolation have been overtaken by the emergency trip to the opticians....... though that went ok thanks.  

Thinking about my posting last night I just think that sometimes it all just overwhelms me again and I panic because I really don't want to go back to those days again.  It was just so overwhelmingly painful.  There just are no words in our language to express it.  Praps if I was able to cry then my tears would be the language.  A unversal language I guess.   

It's interesting - kind of! - that my worst times often seem to be FRiday nights.  As I mull things over I think that has much to do with where I'm at and the grieving for my lost childhood and the processing of the trauma.  I have to think therefore that this is a stage not a permanent state fof affairs though it feels like that now.  

I think too it's work I need to take with me when my therapist comes back (NEXT Friday!)  And starting to unpack all that held-in pain with him where I know it's safe.  Praps too things seem brighter because a week is the usual gap between sessions and I have survived the majority of his absence.  The end of the waiting is nearly in sight.  

And I've survived.  Sounds a bit OTT that but what the heck! it's how I feel.  

Thank you for being there for me - Liz x 

Dear Leckie

Thanks for replying and 2 things - (1) you're not a freak and (2) you didn't depress me ok! 

I'm sorry for all that you've been through too.  Messed up childhoods means damaged lives though not hopefully forever.  sounds like you're working really hard at trying to reclaim your life and to ensure the b****** doesn't rob you of the rest of your days.  

Such a long drawn out process isn't it?  So frustrating.  I like your analogy of life as mountains and valleys.  I guess everyone's life is like that but maybe us survivors have more acute mountains to stagger up. 

I find it really difficult to try to get across to some people who know about my past the fact that things which happened 30 years ago can have the immense impact that they do today.  

Sometimes i just feel like a stuck record and my thoughts over the past week or so have been like that hence me thinking I'm a pain.  And I don't want to be a burden to people here. 

And yet, if what I've just written was written by someone else here I wouldn't begin to think the same thoughts of them that I do of myself. I'd want to be there for them.  I just find it so hard to be kind to me.  Something about self protection in all that too.   

Anyway..... you take care and keep on posting too

Liz x