STUPID STUPID STUPID

amanda · Experienced Member

STUPID STUPID STUPID

claudine · Moderator

I'm sorry Amanda,

Don't feel badly. They don't understand. Your ok now. Have you tried to let them know hw hard it is for you to do this?

c

Raindancer · Veteran Member

Amanda im so sorry you had to go through this today. I know your feeling as if you've let yourself down but...you went to that appointment and tried. It takes some doing to actually turn up for such examinations.

Im probably not helping much here, but i at least want you to know im thinking of you right now...do something nice for yourself this evening if your able to.

Take care, Raindancer

CHEEKY DRAGON · Newbie

Listen, you are not stupid.

You are a very brave and strong person. It took courage to even go to that appointment, I am very proud of you.

We are all here giving you a big, squashy virtual cuddle.

You did really well.

Take care

Cheeky D

X

jane · Experienced Member

im so sorry amanda,

your not stupid at all, you are a very brave person.

please dont feel alone tonight, you are in my thoughts, you are not alone. you can get through it.

stay safe. sending you a teddy

jane

margaret · Veteran Member

Dearest Amanda,
I can't say enough to make you feel better but you are not stupid at all. I am here for you also and sending you all my love. I too know how hard it can be to feel this way i have also had that reaction and as a nurse felt so so stupid. However I know there ar emany people in the so called 'caring profession' who just do not get it. Please stay safe and know I'm thinking of you.
I'm so sorry you had that experience today. Sending you love (if ok)
Margaret x

angel eyes · Veteran Member

I hope your feeling a bit better now, i don't know what to say other than i'm thinking of you,

you take care of yourself now

liann

x

spanglemaker · Veteran Member

Dear Amanda

You are certainly not stupid. Like everyone else has said, I too think that you have been so very brave. Please know that others do care and understand. You are in my thoughts.

Sending you lots of comfort

Be gentle with yourself

Spanglemaker

jem · Veteran Member

Can't add much else Amanda.

I think you were fantastic for going in the first place. I work as a midwife, and hope that I am very much in tune with body language and am usually able to pick up if there is something wrong. But there are those that just barge straight in expecting everyone to be the same.

And thats the point Amanda, you arent the same YOU ARE SPECIAL. Be proud of yourself for what you did in getting into that room at all in the knowledge that you would have to be examined. Treat yourself to something nice tonight, do something exra special.

Big hugs coming your way

love jem.

amanda · Experienced Member

Hello All

Thank you for your kindness I felt something that I don't think I have ever felt before and that was cared for you are truly people that I feel safe with.

The teddy was lovely Jane teddies are special to me mine was loyal to me through the years of abuse and even when I was cruel to him and cut his ears off so he was deaf like me he never let me down. I am even beginning to like the hugs they feel special don't they.

I am still shaken by yesterday but as you all said I did turn up and I shall take something from that but even more it has proved to me that there are a group of professionals out there who either don't understand or don't want to understand.

I would need help but I wonder if there is anyway we can through HAVOCA highlight the need for understanding by the NHS professionals.

Jem you hit the nail on the head people should be able to read body language its not that difficult is it

Hopefully tonight I will sleep better and tomorrow will be a new day

I am grateful to you all

Take care

Amanda

Raindancer · Veteran Member

Hi Amanda,

I too hope your able to sleep tonight, sending peaceful thoughts your way

There are alot of professionals out there (sadly) who dont understand, and yes even more sadder than some dont want to probably. I think the 'training' future professionals are going through now is much more in tune with body language etc...its a constant on going thing. Abuse is mentioned rarely, and its never hard hitting, and i think that such things should be because of the consequences and impact it has on people in adulthood. Im just throwing suggestions out, but i think one good place to start would be to find something to tackle getting the message across within universitys (ok it doesnt solve existing lack of knowledge within the hospital...but it could help for the future). Guest speakers make a difference about subjects...i know there have been times when i've sat and listened to someone's personal experiences as they are trying to educate us and its had me in tears....it leaves a long lasting impression. Such things (training days) could also be implemented into the hospitals aswell, for those already out there in practice. Maybe im being a little too enthusiastic here.....but i just thought i'd suggest something because i also feel quiet strongly about it.

You'd have my help amanda

Take gentle care,

Raindancer

Sue · Veteran Member

Hi Amanda,

do not ever call your feelings stupid. I think the doctor is. It happens to me all the time but I am lucky here in Austria you get to choose your doctor. I had the experience of being with more than 7 including 2 female doctors and never went back. My now gynaecologist understands that I do not feel comfortable up there in that position and I keep shaking so he asks the nurse to come in and hold my hand. Do not worry you can ask the nurse to stand beside you and hold your hand. You are not alone with this feelings but we are not stupid we are sensetive that is all. Take care.

Sue

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Amanda,
On a lighter note, I once read of a med school professor who made all his students, male and female, get up in the stirrups themselves in front of their classmates (fully clothed - in case anyone started to get the wrong impression), so they would know what it felt like.

I think it should be a pre-requisite to getting any medical degree.

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Hi amanda

Sorry this reply is so late

I think gyn/men’s problems are the worse thing to have for people who’ve been abused. I don’t know what had happened to my Dad but he nearly died and certainly wrecked his health because he couldn’t deal with the treatment. When it all caught up with him he went through hell again. My brother laughed about his distress and I felt so angry that others distress is so often a source of amusement to him. Mother dismissed distress as nonsense and “making a scene” was an accusation which I was terrified of. I think it was the ultimate in shameful behaviour to her. What came across to me was the attitude that my Dad should just go with what had to be done and how he felt about it all didn’t matter. It obviously did matter ‘cos he endured years of symptoms getting worse and had to plan his every outing around toilet locations until it wasn’t safe to go out at all.

I feel so angry when doctors and others treat the distress as a ‘bad’ behaviour problem and that it doesn’t matter how the patient feels. They just have to cooperate and ‘not make a fuss’. Some years ago before we moved house my previous GP was crap at handling this. My present GP is absolutely brilliant. I wish you could see a doctor like him. I had to deal with my Gyn problems fast because they didn’t know whether it was cancer or not. (It wasn’t). In addition to the exams which made me want to throw up I had to deal with a hospital doctor I couldn’t hear very well because my hearing is borderline (my Dad was deaf) and the doctor had a strong accent. I kept giving him the wrong responses and he looked fed up with me. I didn’t want to be put to sleep for the op and people do things to me. It didn’t feel safe. I didn’t want to lie in a public bed (on the ward) wearing night clothes. I actually had to buy night clothes as I didn’t own any. I sleep in day clothes. I hated the op gown. There wasn’t nearly enough of it to hide inside and one of the tapes was missing so I couldn’t tie it up. It was pretty much an ordeal but I muddled through. I can't see much without specs no faces etc so I couldn't see where I was going on the way to the theatre. Vulnerable. The porter parked me in front of a TV and TV's stress me out. I could hear them discussing someone's medical problems on the programme!

When I was nineish I was taken to the GP’s because of recurring ad pains. He wanted me to get on the couch. (I’ve probably put this somewhere else but it’s relevant here). I didn’t want to get on the couch because I felt it would amount to consent and I had no way of knowing whether all blokes were like my uncle or not. I wanted to kick the doctor’s shins and run for it. Terrified she was going to do the “making a scene” shaming routine. But I didn’t want my Mum to know about the abuse. I couldn’t trust her. So I got on the couch and I was terrified she was going to watch him abuse me. She had this look of disgust on her face (always did when she saw my flesh). Afterwards she was telling neighbours in detail about what he did to me (no abuse just the examination).

Now I feel guilty about being suspicious of the doctor and wanting to kick him. But I also wonder how many people go through this hell with doctors and whether doctors they get training to deal with it.

I want to make it clear that you are not consenting to anything other than a medical examination. You are not doing anything wrong. And that nobody should pressure you or blame you for opting out. I recently had to sign for a procedure (not-gny) and it said that the patient could opt out at any time even after signing the consent form. So please don’t blame yourself for any of this. Your distress is a symptom of the abuse damage. Would you blame yourself for having a sore throat or letting a doctor look inside your mouth?

One time I had a problem and the GP (who didn’t know me then) explained what was probably wrong then asked me to get on the couch. When I refused he looked annoyed and I was getting panicky. Some months later I told him about something else, on my back then said I was bothered about him looking. I was terrified he was going to get angry with me but he just said calm and matter of fact something like ‘I won’t be able to help you unless I see it.’ I think he was beginning to realise I was having problems even though he didn’t know why. He had a hard time persuading me to remove my sweater even though I was wearing lots of layers underneath. He was very patient about it. Just a bit surprised I think. Another time (still not knowing about the abuse) I told him my feet were swelling a lot. He suddenly reached down and felt one of my ankles. I had a kind of shock reaction. I didn’t say anything but he must’ve noticed the reaction because there was an awkward silence (I can’t always cope with being touched). Ever after that he warns me first and leaves a space for me to object or get mentally prepared. I think he was just puzzled at first but I suppose when I eventually told him about the abuse it must’ve made sense to him.

I wish we could compile a list/write an article about what helps and what makes things worse for abused people. Send it to the BMJ or something. I’ve no idea how to do that. Really need two. A leaflet for patients to help them realise they are not alone and how to cope better. And one for the Docs. How do I go about this anybody?

If you need more support with this please post again. I understand how tough this must be for you. Also I would like to compile that list of do's and don'ts for doctors and pateints, females and males. Would you like to contribute?

ouch