blame

jane · Experienced Member

blame

segelov · Experienced Member

Hello Jane

I believe that I understand how you feel, after all one of the roles of motherhood is to protect your children, and by not protecting you even though she knew what was happening she becomes involved in the abuse.

It took me along time to break free from my mother I suspect becasue we are somehow programmed to cling to those we are biologicaly bound to, society tells us to honour our parents, but it does not tell us how to cope with parents who have let us down, especially those who have allowed us to be hurt. Eventualy you will become strong enough to do what is right for you. As some one somewhere else said you have to grief because you do not have a mother in the sense of a loving person who will protect you, who will cuddle you, who will hold you in times of unhappiness. Even if you have never had this it is still a loss.

Your mother may not have been violent, she may not have protected your innocence, but she is responsible for letting it go on from the moment she first knew about it - she was an adult and you were her child whom she should have taken care off, she was not the main victim, you were. I cannot tell you to walk away, because that is your choice, and you are on the way to making your choices.

I do hope this helps a little - we are all here to help you through.

Take care

ellie · Senior Member

Jane,

dont know if ive said this before somewhere but here goes. My mum was not my abuser either and recently my relationship with my mum has been strained, uncomfortable and at times painful. My mum did leave when i was ten but i still feel angry that she hadnt left earlier, we were in a refuge at one point but she still went back!

I dont think you are weird or an irrational b**ch for feeling like this (either that or theres at least 2 of us). My therapist explains that as an adult your mother had a duty to protect you and she didnt, she was ineffective. As an adult she could have left, as a child you had no choice. For me it feels too scary to be angry at my dad, he was a very frightening man. He's also not around but my mum is and some of the things that my mum says annoys and upsets me.

As for suggestions about spending time with her for her birthday, could you use work shifts as an excuse, not feeling well, go away for a few days? I could suggest telling the truth but im the last person to advise because a recent phonecall from my mum i couldnt tell her how down and upset i was. Instead i went along with things, told her i was fine, needed to protect her?? or myself i dont know.

Anyway dont know if it helps but glad you are back posting.

Take care as always

ellie

jane · Experienced Member

segelov and ellie,

thankyou so much for your responses. it is such a difficult subject for me. i really struggle to keep up the act. the reason i didnt tell her when it happened, was because i didnt think she would be able to cope with it. i was 15, she was an adult and i protected her. she knew about his temper and our fear of him, yet she never left. i even told her i wanted a lock on my bedroom door, or i was leaving home (aged 15) why didnt she wonder enough about why i said that?

anyway, the here and now is so difficult. i am coming across to them (mutual admiration society going off) (do i sound bitter- sorry) as a moody difficult person, i just dont know how to sort it. ive recently restarted my councelling and hopefully one day in the future i will be able to say and do the things i want, instead of the things i am expected to do.

its nice to know that im not alone in these back to front thoughts (obviously im aiming at the wrong person ((their thoughts)) but it is too scary to deal with thoughts of him) ive been made to feel inferiour and stupid, but you have validated these feelings for me and for that i am grateful.

as for making something up ellie, she knows my shift pattern as well as me. i suppose i will have to go for the meal and hopefully i wont be gritting my teeth that hard i wont be able to eat!

sorry if that was all jumbled, i was trying to get it all out, but it was hard to explain.

stay safe

jane

claudine · Moderator

hey janey,

god, some of the similarities are spooky. I was around 15 when the sexual abuse started. I'm having a hard time remembering. At one point though, my Mom DID find out because he made her come in to the room and told her. I think she already knew. She didn't say anything or do anything then or now.(actually some other weird things have surfaced, but in effect, she still did not take any part in stopping the abuse) Prior to all of that he was physically and mentally abusive and she knew, and did nothing to protect me.

How could your mom not know?

as for siblings, I have a few brothers. When I feel they will only have a negative affect on me emotionally, I will not subject myself to their bul****T. I used to, and after a few drinks went in, the rest went flying. I didn't feel it was worth the turmoil. Of course, I can't get out of everything, but I try to when I can.

moody & difficult = hurt & needing support

Maybe if you plan an 'avoidance-fest' for the birthday.. meet out for dinner at a loud dance club! Rollercoaster? Rock concert?

c

jane · Experienced Member

hi,

just got back from a tough session at councelling. guess what the subject matter was, yes, mum.

i seriously am struggling with the pretence of it all. she wants the happy family unit so much, but the first time round was such a sham, that i have no interest whatsoever in reincarnating it. i am going to have to talk to her, but i fear it so much. she turns it round, asking why im not blaming the right person, after all she did so much for me (her words)

this is something i really am going to have to do, but its so hard. what im hoping for i suppose, is that you will be here to listen as i go about destroying her world. because i will be the mad bad one. mentally unstable, obviously, or i would be putting the blame at the correct door!

i will obviously not do it on her birthday, (not even sure that these brave words will materialise) but as and when.

the hard part of today was, she asked why i feared dealing with it so much, would it mean i would have to take the next logical step and start discussing him. at that point, from absoloutly know where i started crying, it just started! damn body!!! i soon had it under control though. i thought i was incapable, but its definately in there. cant let it out though, must be strong. why do i think that?

all in all, very scared person, in this brave exterior!

hope that wasnt too jumbled. i just sit typing what comes into my head. not sure it made sense. hope so.

stay safe

jane

ellie · Senior Member

Hi jane,

sounds tough going, sorry its so difficult and painful.

Guess what im suppossed to have had a talk with my mum for the past 4-5 months but still havnt got there.

I find it hard to let things out as well, i feel that if i dont hold it together everything is going to fall apart, my family, my job and me. I will have no control over what happens and i might not even be aware of what happens, very scary. its a feeling of helplessness and lack of control. Im sure we will get there eventually and when it comes i hope for a feeling of relief and lightness.

Another opinion, if thats ok. I feel that you will only be destroying your mums world from her viewpoing, not yours. You were the one abused and for whatever reason she was unwilling to protect you. Her fault and guilt, not yours.

Take care as always,

ellie

-- Edited by ellie at 17:44, 2004-10-08

claudine · Moderator

Hey Janey,

First off, sorry about my jumbled first response, not much sleep lately. I think I misread some stuff. I was thinking it's your sisters b'day, mom probably wouldn't go to a dance club!

Anyway, 'denial' is very strong. It's not going to be so easy to 'destroy' your mom's world. She's been building it longer than you. Somehow, she rationalized her children being hurt, kept them in that environment, and wants you to know how hard it was for her? Exqueeze me? Plus, no one said you have to dump a boatload of anger on her. Maybe test the waters with a little straight-forwardness like, 'I'm having difficulty getting beyond past events of my childhood. I need to resolve some things in order to move on with my life and be happy. If you are not prepared to help me with that right now, then 'now' is not a good time to get together.' You could write it,, send it with some flowers. (you know, lull her into a false sense of security....-sorry-just kidding). If you're anywhere near the same place i am right now, you need you're mom to acknowledge the past and take responsibility. Never too late for that.

c

Sue · Veteran Member

I am with Claudine right now. Do not worry about anyone's feelings. You are the one who was hurt. Take care and try to stay calm even cold.

Sue

amanda · Experienced Member

jane

I am probably not the right person to give advice on mothers mine was very involved in my abuse but as a mother myself I believe it is a mothers role to protect her children whatever.

Your mother was an adult you were a child you had no choice she did What you do has to be your choice you will find support here throughout your decision

But you must know and accept you are not mean irrational and definitely not a b***h and as for being wierd no way she has to take the responsibility she was the adult she may act the injured one but many of us here know she is not

Whatever your decision it will be the rightone

Take Care

Amanda

jane · Experienced Member

hi ,

i went for the happy family meal! the food was great!!

she has her head so firmly stuck in the sand, im not sure she could ever pull it out. we barely exchanged words, instead i spoke to every one else but her. throughout this, she kept on the smiling happy face. i was so obviously not the happiest person of the evening, but she refuses to face it. i wasnt going to start anything on her birthday though, im not that mean. it did show me that i cant keep up the pretence much longer.

im not intending for everything to come out in a stream of anger (cant do that) i just want to tell her that i cant play happy families, im back in councelling and the subject hasnt gone away as she had hoped. this will probably be done by phone as im such a scaredy cat. i dont even know what im afraid of, probably knowing i will be responsible for causing her immense pain, always protecting her. im not even planning on telling her that i feel she should have done more, all i want is to stop pretending everything is ok, and thats hard enough to do.

i cant thank you all enough for your support over this matter, i have to tell you, that you are an amazing group of people. never forget that whatever happened to you, look what you can do! you still have bag fulls of support for others and humanity, (others that have never been where you have, cant always say that.) that was never taken and you are helping me immensley, please take so much care of yourselves.

stay safe

jane