Lack of memories

segelov · Experienced Member

Lack of memories

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi Segelov

Think this may have come from a post I started I have real difficulties around birthdays christmas time etc because these days were more abusive than normal its the way the abuse worked "extra presents" for the special day is what I remember no parties no father christmas even now on these days I cannot cope my children have no understanding of the abuse and I will always protect them from this but they find it difficult that I don't celebrate my birthday and I force myself with christmas for there sakes

I remember the first year we were alone how because I had never had father christmas (he only came to good children) I had never realised this is what parents did for there children so I brought so many things there stockings overflowed I will always hold there faces that morning so dear.

I dread each special day as it approaches but this year I am going to do something different at christmas to try and break the routine it is going to be a hard but I will get there

I have been so engulfed in insuring the children have good memories and I love it when they look back but I go to pieces when they say what did you do when you were 13, 21, when I was 40 they made it extra special I freaked and let them down

Amanda

ellie · Senior Member

Segelov,

typed this response once and dont know where it went, so here goes again.

Me too, no memories of special days except one birthday. Mum in hospital, my brother and i at home with our dad. He was really mad and angry, we were scared. No present, card or nice words from him but instead watched as he hit my brother over and over again. He then literally dragged us up to the hospital where my brother couldnt sit down because it was too painful.

My mum had knitted me a rag doll from scarps of wool on the ward because she knew that i wouldnt get anything at home. I kept the doll for a long time but in a moment of anger got rid of it because it used to remind me and upset me. Wish i hadnt now.

Bad time and memory and so painful

take care

ellie

segelov · Experienced Member

Hello Amanda

I can understand not wanting to celebrate birthdays etc because you know that they were associated with being abused. We for instance no longer celebrate Christmas because of an event that happened some fourteen years ago, we celebrate Yule instead, although now christmas day is associated only with the birth of my first grandchild, some how fate made that an acceptable date for a very lovely reason. However I do not remember birthdays at all, not even in the childrens' home, I do not remember birthday parties, presents or cards, but then I do not remember going to other peoples birthday parties, etc. some how they just never figured in my life until I was grown - and I do like them now, and OK I have decided to stay at 37, 'cause that is when life started to be good. I must have sent birthday cards, or at the very least known when every ones birthdays where 'cause I still have my handbag diaries from my teens and they are full of birthday dates including a lot of people whom I no longer remember.

We as a family tend to celebrate the seasons because non of us are religious people, but I think you could call us spiritual in a very broad sense of the word, although I personaly have problems even with that. I suppose I enjoy our family celebrations just because we are a family, and we are together, even if I am the oldest generation there, and even if all my sisters are missing. We celebrate silly things, like the lifting of the first potatoes, the ripening of the first tomato, and of course as well as serious things like the naming of the new babies, welcoming in the new year.

And today as we were driving to the hospital we saw the most amazing rainbow, it was so bright and every colour in it could be seen clearly, now that cheered me up a bit. It is the little things in life that mean the most to me, and somehow my girls are the same. Or have I indoctrinated themvery effectively???

Sorry Amanda I have gone of topic somewhat. I only have a very small inkling of what you go through, but I do understand how you have ended there.

Take care