Inner Parent

claudine · Moderator

Inner Parent

hazel · Veteran Member

wow you've had a tough day but well done for not losing it. you probably feel like you were out of control but it sounds like you kept it together.

according to the counselling theory of transactional analysis we do have inner parents, we have a nice parent and a critical parent. we probably know the critical parent best, the one that says you're stupid or ugly etc. the nice parent is the one that comforts us when we're feeling down. they generally surface in response to our inner child.

i think the voice that was telling you to keep calm was your adult self, neither the child or the parent but an independant you.

the books "im ok, you're ok" and counselling for toads" (yes toads!) explain it a bit better and have been helpful to me.

hope you're putting your feet up tonight

hazel x

claudine · Moderator

Thanks, hazel,

These episodes always leave me feeling somewhat isolated and I have to pretend the rest of the day that things are 'normal' to avoid bursting into tears. Is so frustrating! This is not a situation worthy of such a strong emotional response! I wish I could blame it all on PMS but I can't. Timings off.

c

spunk · Veteran Member

Hi claudine,

I can imagine who unpleasant that experience was, but I have to say that I think that you handled it really well. Not losing it, walking away, using a bit of humor to break the tension, good job! It's hard when you're in a positiion of responsibility and something goes wrong that you just can't fix, even though you really need to, and with a not-very sympathetic audience! Walking a way and coming back was the right thing to do, as was restoring equilibrium with humor.

I do alot of self-parenting these days, I'm taking on the role of the nice parent, someone that I have always really needed in my life. It's not easy, but I am using people around me, healthy "good mothers" that I see in my day-to-day life as role models.

Giving you well-deserved pats on the back for letting your inner parent take care of you in that situation.

Lisa

claudine · Moderator

Thanks spunk-meyer! (sorry, I have this thing about giving nicknames)

What's weird is on further analysis of this scenario, I was being triggered by a few things. But the REALLY upsetting part is that I was behaving like my father/abuser when he would get angry at me or my mother, apologies inspired violence. I can't stand it but that seems to be what I was doing. That was a turning point. I had to get away at that moment. When he apologized. I despise my father, why would I emulate his behavior like that?

c

spunk · Veteran Member

Hi Claudine,

I'm not sure how this plays out in your family.

I suppose that it's fair to say that we learn these responses from our parents at a level other than as a rational or intellectual mental process. Even if we reject our parents' behaviors, we have still learned them. We impose an intermediate adjustment (reject bad behavior) step between what we have learned from them and how we choose to behave. Maybe under certain stressful conditions that trigger the trauma response, we lose that ability to adjust.

In my family the sadomasochistic roles shift from one person to another very readily, opportunistically. The masochist may initiate the sadism, or vice-versa, and anyone person might be in either role, depending on the circumstances. I have spent a considerable amount of time learning to recognize the cues to this and to adjust my own behavior to be what I want for myself. But my ability to make the adjustment does depend on the circumstances. I have seen myself lose it under situations where I feel traumatized.

One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to learn to recognize triggers before we are engaged, to head them off if at all possible, by separating out the past from the present, so that we don't have a trauma response. The next best thing is to remove ourselves from the situtation if at all possible. We can use self-control, of course, as well, as you did. You seem to have used all three of these, actually.

None of this makes you an abuser or truly like your father. These are learning situations, and we can use them to learn and grow, to feel and to be safer in the future. I think that it's great that you can recognize the response, think it through and use it to help yourself.

Lisa

claudine · Moderator

Wow, Lisa,

What a thoughtful response. I was really worried that it meant I was mimicing abuser behavior and therefore becoming like one. It was tearing me up actually. It's so crazy how such a small thing can set you off. It sounds like you've really spent alot of time on this. Thank you so much for you repy! It means a tremendous amount to me. I've been learning so much on this site I can't get over it. Thank you so much!

c

michelle · Senior Member

Claudine,

I just think you were having a MOMENT as I call them. I think we all talk ourselves down at times.I consider it normal.I wouldn't put to much into it.

Michelle

claudine · Moderator

Michelle,

I think I can recognise the difference between a 'moment' and a situation that leaves me physically shaking. If that's what your 'moments' are like, I can't imagine what happens to you on a really bad day. I don't understand why you address these things with a dismissive tone. Maybe you don't mean to, but that's how they sound to me. I don't post 'moments'. I post things that upset me a great deal, just like everyone else. Can you understand why this would anger me? It's like telling someone who has a gunshot wound that it's just a scratch. I'm being overly dramatic to illustrate my point.

I grew up in an extremely violent atmosphere. Feeling compelled to hit or stab someone is a terrifying experience for me. They don't make up the fact that abusers usually have come from abuse. The connection should scare anyone who is trying to break the cycle. I would be a fool to consider it a 'moment'. As far as I'm concerned, that is the wrong path.

c

michelle · Senior Member

Claudine,

I thought I was being rather nice.Would you like me to say your just plain nuts or crazy.I also grew up in major violence.I in know way struggle with wonting to physically harm anyone. I do not even spank my children. I dont understand what you are looking for on that issue I hope not understanding or piety. Or do you wont someone to tell you that you have major issues and need seriously to get some help.I hope you have a thearapist you can see.

Michelle

claudine · Moderator

Michelle,

Now you are being rude, insulting and seem to want to provoke me. I'm glad you don't have to deal with the issues that I have. But it doesn't make you superior. What exactly is it that you hope to gain from this site? I don't think anyone is looking for pity. What an insensitive thing to say. It seems to me that most people are looking for understanding, not judgement.

c

michelle · Senior Member

Claudine,

Well we feel the same I also thought you came across very rude. And if you choose to be provoked that is your choice.I don't feel like I am superior you are the one who thought I was coming across insensitive to your problem. Also I do not feel people on this site are qualified to deal with such a major issue and that is one. Thats why most people on this site also go to therapy. I was trying to give you a nice understanding you are the one who got MAD. And your the one with the anger issue not me. And for what reason I may be on this site is my business not yours. I dont think you are the ruler of the site.

Michelle

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Michelle,
I hope you didn't intend to provoke anyone. But I want to tell you that I reacted the same way as Claudine when I read your post. It's possible that both of us were reading into your post something that you didn't intend, and I can understand if that made you upset. But I feel a more appropriate response might have been to step back, realize that you were misunderstood (if that was the case) but that what you said had hurt someone, and perhaps extend a gesture in peace. I don't think an apology to Claudine for inadvertently hurting her would be out of place, even if you hadn't intended to.

I know that several people on this forum have discussed feeling afraid to post for fear of offending anyone. I'm very good at putting my foot in my mouth, and would greatly appreciate hearing the truth if I've offended anyone - it's the only way I can learn from my mistakes. I certainly don't intend to offend, but am aware that I sometimes do. I'm also not good at responding appropriately if I'm upset myself, so I'm aware how difficult it must have been for both you and Claudine.

I'd like to apologize to anyone I may have upset or offended by any of my posts, and that extends to you Michelle, if I've upset you here.

J.

liz · Experienced Member

Hi Michelle

I just want to say that I too on reading your response to Claudine automatically wanted to defend her. I just wondered whether something of what Claudine originally said maybe triggered something for you. And in response reacted as you did. I just feel you were a bit out of order and rude.

This site as I understood it is about support and being there, for all of us to feel heard and understood. I don't feel you've done that; instead you've hurt Claudine and probably angered her more. I'm not saying you have to agree with everything that others post but there are ways of putting your point across without upsetting others.

Also we are all at different stages of our journeys towards healing. And we are all unique - we react differently.

Perhaps if something has been triggered for you then you could write about it and allow others to be there for you.

margaret · Veteran Member

Claudine,
I read your post and totally understand what it is like for an incident to leave you physically shaken and hope you are ok. You have always shown me such kindness and understanding and you deserve the same.
I'm agree with growing roots and trees. This site should be about understanding compassion and support and knowing how hard it is for you to post your experience I am so saddened that you are or have been upset.
I have had such a terrible week and all the amazing support i got including from you kept me literally getting from hour to hour at times over the last week.
I truly hope that this amazing site and people here continue to be a support for you as is intended. I also do not want to offend anyone here so I'm also sorry I know everyone is individual and at a certain stage as am I.
Please believe that I am here for you and do not in any way feel your experience was trivial. Anything that leaves someone feeling physical shaken is not trival in anyway. After being abused I think feeling is vital to healing. (Just my opinion)
Please take care of you,
Margaret

-- Edited by margaret at 15:13, 2004-10-03

claudine · Moderator

Hey everyone,

Boy, this was a tough one. This brings up so many issues. But I do want to say that yes, my feelings were hurt, and my response to you, Michelle, hurt your feelings too. Not the most productive way to resolve conflict. I think this has raised some interesting points. From the general ,'What are your expectations of the site' to 'How victims of abuse learn to defend themselves' (future thread alert). The biggest challenge though, is to continue to talk about it in a constructive way. I think that's really important. I also think it's okay to let someone know how you feel so you can come to a better understanding. So, that's what I hope to do. I have every expectation that I'll make mistakes along the way. I hope we can support each other in those too.

c

leckie · Senior Member

well done for keep it hope your proud of yourself these things are sent to try us i suposeso well done

i have unfortunitally had an experience i almost lost it with i was looking after my grandson 3 months old well my sister was suposed to be watching him but you know what they are like at that age he was starting to teeth and was missing his mum so the screeming started it did not matter what my sister did he would not stop crying i tryed to get a hold of his dad to come and get him but i couldn't get him so we had to cope but the linger he cryed the more and more i was getting frustrated i could feel myself building up presure insinde of me while i was trying to cuddle him and calm him down i felt as though i could hurt him i really did (bad feeling ) i ended up taking my grandson out at 10 oclock at night i walked around with him for about an hour and finally i got a hold of his dad to come and get him i felt disgusted and ashamed that i felt like that when i calmed down the next day i told my son how i had felt but now two months later he told me he does not want me to be alone with my grandson well you cant imagine how bad and angry i felt it caused a row between us now i cant see my grandson all for being honest with him

take care all john

HAVOCA · Trustee

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your posts and replies to this very important question.

With the risk of sounding 'almighty' and 'superior' perhaps this would be a good time to get everyone to read this document about conflict in cyberspace. It makes good reading and puts things into perspective.

I'm sure we're all still friends and can appreciate that it is difficult to judge a persons real meaning when we can't see their facial expression and only have words to go by. Take everything in your stride and each day at a time.

Regards

Jamie

michelle · Senior Member

I am truly not upset with anyone thats not me . I do try to have a laid back opinion on things not to get to stressed out over things.That is what I have been taught by my therapist of 3 1/2 yrs. And working in the public is a stressful job I can imagine.

On to JAMIE"S post Conflict in Cyberspace really makes sense. Post can be taken out of content. And we are all human and our emotions can run high.Especially late at night.I do not feel anyone wonts to come accross insensitive to anyones pain.

Michelle

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi all

I have stood back from this posting as it is a triggering topic for me I have difficulties around my inner parents and the conflict that they each bring but feel able now to say I have great respect for both Claudine and Michelle and the way you have resolved this.

In any forum where we are so different in our needs and where we are in our healing there are going to be times of conflict but hopefully with Jamies info on conflict in cyberspace we can resolve them without too much hurt to one another but this will not stop the fact we are all different and have different feelings and emotions

Hope this does not sound to jumbled

Amanda

margaret · Veteran Member

God Amanda i couldn't have put it better myself. I really admire both of you for resolving it also.
I want to also apologise if i added to any hurt caused,
Take care

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Claudine

Re "What's weird is on further analysis of this scenario, I was being triggered by a few things. But the REALLY upsetting part is that I was behaving like my father/abuser when he would get angry at me or my mother, apologies inspired violence. I can't stand it but that seems to be what I was doing. That was a turning point. I had to get away at that moment. When he apologized. I despise my father, why would I emulate his behavior like that?"

I have endless torment re fears of becoming like the abuser too. But looking at it in a different way, because we have raised awareness and an unwillingness to travel that same route we can take steps to prevent that happening. The first step is admitting the problem. In that way you are not like your father. Though this incident must have been terrifying at the time you now know that you did not lose it. That you do have control. I don't have easy answers. I used to have times like you described, thoughts like you had re not attacking people quite a bit. For me it only happened when I felt physically ill. Afterwards I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened because I didn't know how to deal with it. Coming here, having the courage to talk about it is one way to progress.

Good luck

ouch