I have been hiding 4 42 yrs

david · Newbie

I have been hiding 4 42 yrs

ellie · Senior Member

david,

well done for posting, i know how important it is to recieve a reply especially from your first post.

I cant really help with the police thing because ive not been there but i know there will be somebody who can, hopefully they will provide info and advice.

You will feel supported here and people will listen and help when they can.

Take care

ellie

jane · Experienced Member

david,

as ellie said im glad you found the strength to post and you will find support here as i have.

as for the police thing, i can tell you that i have been down that road and its not the easiest one to travel.

if you have only just "come out" i would give yourself some time to breath and see how things feel, recognising that this has affected you will not be easy and you will have bad days worse days and hopefully some good days thrown in. at the moment i am having a few bad days but i saw your post and needed to respond. not only as ellie stated that it is good for you to know we are here, but because having travelled the police road, i needed to explain some points.

when i reported him it wasnt for justice, it wasnt for revenge, it wasn't for any noble reason, i just wanted him to acknowledge what he had done and for some answers from him, i find it hard to believe it happened. i had hoped i would get all these from the police interview and it would stop there, but it didn't, he denied it and it went all the way to crown court.

it didn't end well and i am left without the closure i expected, i lost so much more than i gained (which was nothing) i now have to start the process of "healing" (sorry i find that such a strange word) all over again and i have to do it properly not with some quick fix i had imagined. i hadn't wanted to face it in the first place but i had been railroaded into facing my past and made all sorts of strange decisions and behaviour.

the practicalities of reporting to the police are: making a witness statement, which requires alot of graffic detail of events. this wont be easy and if you are not ready may trigger more than you believe.

the police need evidence that it has occurred, so further enquiries are made to corroborate as much as possible. it is then put to the crown prosecution service to make a decision on whether they will take it to court or not. you need to be aware that you may go through the trauma of the statement and it go no further. i dont mean to be negative, but you need to be aware before you make a decision like that of all possibilities. if it goes to court it will go all the way to crown court, because of the type of offence it is, which means a jury etc. you will have to give evidence and then you have to wait for the verdict, it could return not guilty, could you deal with that. there are procedures in place now for court which help the giving evidence process, you can do it by video link or have a screen partition.

im sorry if this post comes over as very negative, but you need to be aware of the things you could face. there are some very positive outcomes from historical abuse cases, but they are harder to prove than current abuse. i am aware of people on site that have had a positive verdict (mine wasn't but there is more to it)

please think carefully, are there other things you could do to protect any children you have fears for, eg social services.

to help you make the decision, you could contact your local police and ask to speak to the child abuse unit, who will go through with you in more detail of how things work etc.

take care of you for a while, dont make any hasty decisions, be informed and stay safe

jane

sunshine · Newbie

you have shown strength by posting your message. I would suggest you rang nspcc and talk to someone so they could be investigating this padeophile,while you take your time in deciding whether to go to the police.I went to the police and am glad I did.

Good Luck

Take Care

Let us know what you decide

amanda · Experienced Member

Hell David and welcome

I am glad you have found here and hope you find it as supportive as I have.

I have never gone done the path of prosecution because I am not strong enough.

I have heard of people who have followed this route and been ripped to pieces in court.

I have heard of others who have gained great peace in pursuing there perpetrators.

It is early days take some time be clear in what and why your doing it and decide where you are going

Keep posting and Take Care

Amanda

Sue · Veteran Member

Hi David and everyone,

I think I do agree with everybody's opinions. It will be a long road to go through. Please check with every source possible till you are sure you want to go through this process. It would be wise to have all the way the support of a therapist too to help you when things are not O.K..

Amanda, Elli, Jane and sunshine as well as every surviver are here for you with all the ups and downs. we are holding our heads up high with you.

Sue

leckie · Senior Member

hi david and welcome

if you feel that strong about going to the police then in time you but it will take time and you will also need a lot of suport so take your time it will come when you are stong enough only you will know when that is

like myself i would now love to report my stepfather to the police but unfortunitally i cant as the b*****d died a few years ago but if he was here i realy would do it now and it has taken me a long time to get to this stage i am now 45 and now feel that my life is mine now he hasn't got a hold on my mind now but thats only because i was stong and was not going to let him win and i had the help of one verry special woman and her familly to get me through it

so i know you will get the strenth from your self and the help of others and you are a strong person or you would not be asking for help as that is the bigest step you could have taken

take care and keep talking leckie

CHEEKY DRAGON · Newbie

Good Evening David

42 years young eh! Congratulations for coming out. It's never too late.

I came out to my older sister in May this year, I am 33 and was violently beaten by both parents (mother and stepfather) from as early as I can remember, seriously, I was tiny. I have no idea how old I was. I had a (nother) breakdown this year before I came out, about the 4th or 5th one and couldn't fix the smile to my face anymore. The sexual abuse (from my stepfather) started from age 15 until I left home aged 20.

It's been really hard dealing with it because at age 15 you know about the birds and the bees. I was so terrified of him I just let him get on with it.

My sister, who has been great, encouraged me to go to the police. My sister is older and I have two younger brothers. We were all beaten but I was the only one sexually abused, I was always non confrontational and weak.

I don't deal with confrontation very well at the best of times, but phoned the police to test the water, see if it was worth pressing charges etc. The policeman was very scary and pushy. I was so not ready for that. He said if I was even going to make an allegation, by law he would have to persue the matter in case there was a possibility that other children were at risk. Which is understandable but the thing is, they take the power away from you. They WILL do what they have to do to get the case to court, not guarantting a conviction, by dragging everyone in for questioning, family, friends, neighbours etc.

And ultimately after all these years the abusers defence is 'it was such a long time ago, I can't remember. I can't remember what I was doing last month let alone all those years ago' Basically your word against theirs.

How cruel. It's not fair. These people bulldozer their way through life leave people like us as rubble in their wake.

My stepfather is a pig. What he did was wrong, I would love to see that excuse for a man in jail. But so many years have passed, I don't think I could get anyone to believe me. I can't believe it myself sometimes.

Deep sigh...

I'll just carry on through this next round of therapy and see if I can find the strength one day.

If you are strong enough, do it, do it, do it

Let me know how you get on.

cheeky dragon.

Take care

X