Family estrangement

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Family estrangement

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Growing Roots and Wings,

I don't know if I will be much help on this subject, but thought i would give you my stroy.

I have a very difficult relantioship with my parents I still live at home with them. My mum likes to be the center of attention, and if anyone takes that from her she gets very nasty, she will do many things, and theres no room or space to feel emtion it's just you know your programe your script so you play it out.

Even when I am out, she will ring me what are you doing were are you, when I get home, more questions, as though I am under serspition so I end up feeling guilty for doing normal things.

I have often thourght and don't feel good about thinking it, but I have often thourght since I was young too that I will only ever be free when she is gone, there I said it, I feel horrible. But it is so difficult.

Thats all I have right now hope it's in someway helpfull.

Take care of you , and be safe

Frog

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Tricky isn't it

I say something like ‘I’m not in touch with them’ or ‘It’s not something I ought to talk about’ or ‘I have strong/valid reasons for not seeing them’ If they persist I would cease to say anything at all I would do the silent treatment. In desperation I would say, ‘Please don’t try to manipulate me.’ Of course they will get curious. But I would persist in not giving them any more information. Most of my extended family have disowned me anyway. I’m the black sheep of the family. That’s usually how it works for abuse victims. I think they are not worth bothering with. I just don’t accept what they think about me. If they challenged me I’d just say ‘You’ve got it very wrong.’ Or ‘Is that what they are saying about me,’ and shake my head. But then say ‘I’m not in a position to talk about it and you probably wouldn’t want to believe me if I did.’ Any more badgering just don’t reply. Any good?

ouch

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Hi Frog

Re: you know your programe your script so you play it out.

I couldn't have put that better. I always felt caught up in a play she had written. that we were actors. It's slavery.

Re

Even when I am out, she will ring me what are you doing were are you, when I get home, more questions, as though I am under serspition so I end up feeling guilty for doing normal things.

The interrogations. I used to hate going home. And the guilt.

My daughter takes her phone out. But she keeps it switched off. I can leave a message. She sort of tells me I'm not welcome to ring her sometimes. And I think good for her. But she sometimes phones home when she's inside a taxi. Call it safety insurance. I've always tried very hard not to use emotional manipulation. Just concerned they are OK. I've no time for this 'poor me waiting up till all hours stuff, aren't they awful making me go grey etc.' If parents don't want that they shouldn't have kids. Good parents know when to let go.

I was estranged from my family while I still lived there. At best I felt like a lodger. At worst an intruder. I don't want my children to feel that way. I want them to know they are independent adults who will share their doings with me because they want to and respect their privacy if they don't.

ouchzone

jane · Experienced Member

my family estrangement was very sudden about two years ago when all was disclosed. this was done against my will, but my sister wanted it "out". her needs were completely different to mine, i wanted it to stay away and never find me again. but that was not to be.

first she wrote to him (dad) informing him we were not asleep when he thought we were. we ran off and hid for the weekend, but we got a letter a couple of weeks later.

it was at this beginning stage of disclosure that things started to go badly wrong for me. the boxes my past had been tightly locked away in opened with such force, i was overwhelmed by it, i went on anti depressants and sleeping pills. i couldn't function, nothing was ever going to be the same again.

the next stage my sister wanted to inform mum, they had been separated about a year so there would not be any effect on their marriage. i was completely against this, even more so than telling him. she is a complete drama queen, i could imagine the weeping wailing, pain on her face and all the other cr*p. i couldn't cope with her, she didn't have the strength of character to deal with it. needless to say it was as i imagined it, only worse. she told me how bad things had been for her, living with him, what a b8st8rd he was. this infuriated me, she was an adult, she didn't have to stay, she chose to, i didn't have the choice. she then stated that she stayed for us, her children!!! look what happened to me when she stayed. there was violence, psycological, emotional and sexual sh*t to deal with. i now feel estranged from her, but she keeps trying to keep the relationship going, i am making it as hard as i can, (not intentionally) but my lack of enthusiasm when i speak to her and when she wants to see me and my children. i cant do it, but my sister and her think im strange for not bonding over this. my sister informed me at one point that mum was close to a nervous breakdown because of the diclosure and the arguements we had over it. typical, it was about her again! so even though we have contact occasionally i feel estranged, and to be harsh, i dont care. am i bad? this is a big issue in my councelling at the moment.

my sister then thought his family needed to know what a monster he was (her words, not mine) i was close to them, family get togethers were fun. i was becoming unhinged, i didn't know how to deal with the stuff in my head. his family didn't believe it and we were no longer part of the family.

my sisters lack of thought processes as to the posibility that people wouldn't automatically believe us asounded me, so that relationship has been under some strain.

my husband isn't the most supportive man i have ever met, so i feel completely alone. i have lost everything and this is so hard to deal with.

it was all recently compounded when dad's sister (who didn't believe he could do it, but found it hard to break contact completely, she rang at christmas only) phoned to tell me that my uncle had died. his/her brother. they didn't want me but it didn't mean i didn't want them, i was upset and was told that i couldn't go to the funeral. it was so hard to hear that i still wasn't wanted.

as for telling people, a few know, but i just say that i don't see my dad and to be honest people don't ask much more and if they do i say we fell out and that is it, subject over. one problem though, how do i tell my daughter, she still asks for grandad and when i tell her we fell out, her naturally childish way says we should make friends! that hurts so much.

im sorry for going on so much, but this hurts and i just kept going.

jane

Leila · Member

well some people in my family on his (my fathers) side had witnessed it and thought it was a one time thing, the one person that im certain that knew what was going on, tried to help and did, but passed away of cancer not long after. when i finally told everything, needless to say everything errupted. i heard every name in the book from liar to some names I can't mention. It's definitely not an easy thing to hear those names. i don't talk to his side of the family at all which is hard sometimes because i have a brother that i love and a little cousin and sister in law that i never got to know. my relationship with my mothers side of the family strengthened though. i made that choice not to speak to his side of the family though...the names, nastiness, guilt, interrogations and barrage of grief weren't something i wanted to deal with.

i have no regrets about letting everything out. If his side of the family chooses not to acknowledge what happened then that's their fault and they are out of my lives. it's very hard to feel ignored and not trusted over such an important matter. its difficult sometimes, but the love, even from one other person, shows that i'm important enough. i have so much support from so many people, and i'm so grateful for every day. i love who i have become, and it's a loss to them that they'll never know me.

no one should have to feel like theyre anything less then beautiful and worthy of love.

i let myself get upset for one day every once in awhile other then that is a no no. I take a day for myself when I need to but other then that there's no point. He and his family don't see me when i'm upset... only the good, loving people see it and it upsets them. it doesn't do anything for myself either. i made a choice to acknowledge the pain when need be, limit its time and move on to better and happier things.

-- Edited by Leila at 15:57, 2004-09-26