Who am I?

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Who am I?

segelov · Experienced Member

Hi ouch

Roots - now thats a thing - I used to make them up, after all I had to belong somewhere and I did not belong where I was, my parents had abanodned us to in a strange place, they allowed our religion to be changed so that we would be even more confused. In later years I have been trying to find my "roots" only to be abandoned yet again, the birth certificate that my mother uses is that of a child who died along time a ago, so my mother is not even who she says she is! And to all intents and purposes my father never existed. My mother has alwys told so many stories and has confused so many people, so there is no knowing what the actual truth of it all is, the current story is always the one that fits with moment!

And as for living a schizophrenic existence, thats amazingly familiar. Like so many I will not allow my children to suffer because of what happened to me, that does not mean that I have kept everything from them as I do believe that truth is the best policy (mostly). But I have worn so many hats and the one that no-one ever saw was the very scared, introverted, afraid of my own shadow me; I to all the people that I knew was the life and soul of the party, I was a good conversationalist, I made wonderful food, I made everyone welcome, I was good at my work and always progressed up the rung, but if people got too close, I went and looked for another job or I moved house. I now choose to live in a very small enclosed world, because the effort of being what I am not is too difficult.

So many hats that I have worn, now down to a couple or so only, and I now have a partner with whom I am able to be myself, I am lucky in that I have after many years met a soul who cares for me as me, not as another needy person being more needy then I, not another person who required a mother substitute. I suppose he is the first person with whom I engaged in a close relationship that I have known who was never abused in a systamatic way. I am now at the stage of my life that I will alow myself to be me most of the time, that means that I am essentially a solitary person, who likes to get wrapped up in her little extended family, books and the garden, and trying to find out the whys, the wherefores and the "roots" of my existence.

I do hope that I have understood what you are saying at least a little!!

leckie · Senior Member

hi ouchzone

i think i do understand like you i couldn't ask for help ( when i was at school and asked for help i never got it teachers helped the ones that didn't need it ) so to that extent i stoped asking and never asked for help again maybe because of the rejection i don't know and my life has always been in diferant pieces the vertion that i made up to keep people out so as they wont find out about my past, my children whom i love so much was a differant part so they would not see my pain, and the part that is inside me trying to fight with the past and deal with it ME because i knew i was in there somewhere and wanted out but was to afraid to face it again, this is why i hardly knew the diferance from reality and the fantasy me ( the lier ) but i now know that the lier part has gone from me and i am dealing with the abuse now so i can find out who i really am

take care ouch

leckie

michelle · Senior Member

I believe we live in a world today that we can see mothers being cruel to there children.In the news children are killing there parents everyday for abuse.

My mother was schizophrenic and abusive.My whole neighborhood knew that if they didn't I told them.She was the crazy one not me I did not have the problems.And at a young age I never allowed my self to believe I was the problem.

And as a adults I know we should be more rational about are thinking. I cannot understand how someone would allow a abusive person to dictate how one may view there self. Why would you give them the power to ruin your whole life.

Take back the POWER

Michelle

ouchzone · Experienced Member

michelle

Allowing others to dictate how you feel

Maybe because your parent was so obviously ill you wouldn’t take on board anything from her. I think most children do take on board what parents tell them when they are very young or grow up with less obvious signs of illness or abuse. I didn’t know that I was being abused. Emotional abuse is very subtle. Young people look to their parents for care and believe what the parents tell them because they are older and more experienced. Sometimes my parent told the truth and sometimes she didn’t. It was difficult for me to know which was which. I didn’t know she was abusive until I was much older. I was told right from being a baby that I was bad. I was punished for long spells for having feelings. Since the punishment was so bad I thought I must be very bad. I had no reason to think otherwise. Young children conform because they fear losing the care they depend on for survival.

I am in the process of taking back the power. That's why I'm here.

michelle · Senior Member

Ouchzone,

I was not aware my mother was schizophrenic till I was a adult.I realized at a young age other mothers weren't beating there kids and telling them they hated them.Maybe I was just a little more preceptive about things.My mother also tried to kill me many of times.I just knew that wasn't right. My T said I had very good survival and copping skills.I don't know maybe I'm just different.And as adults I feel we should be able to understand any abuse was not our fault.

Michelle

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Ouch, I think you have a point.

As much as I wanted to tell myself and others that my mother had the problem, and not me, both my parents were well-regarded, and it just wouldn't work. My father was nominated for teacher of the year, and my mother had legions of admirers. When I tried to tell a cousin of mine, she said to me "You know I adore your mother, don't you?"

I know my mother would have said that there was nothing wrong with her, and everything was her father's fault. The unfortunate truth is that both she (and my father) carried the abuse to the next generation without taking any responsibility. I'm trying not to make that mistake myself.

Some of the things I'm trying to figure out in therapy right now are:
- what exactly was wrong with my mother (being that she didn't have any 'symptoms' that anyone outside the family was aware of),
- what are the implications for anyone growing up in that environment,
- which problems that usually result can be fixed, and which have to be managed, and
- how can I evaluate whether or not I have any of these problems, and what can I do about them?

Michelle,
I'm very sorry that you had to go through that with your mother, and I'm glad that you had support from your friend's families. It sounds like a very good thing for you that your mother's problem was so obvious. I'm sure that helped a lot. I wish that I had that kind of label to help me classify my mother's illness.

Any Psych. 101 textbook tells me that infants who experience conditions severely enough outside of the norm are often left with permanent damage. There are some things that can be corrected with retraining, but others leave a physiological imprint that can only be influenced, such as PTSD. There are many people on this forum with PTSD, and all the known literature (in fact the very definition of PTSD) speaks of the permanent changes to the brain as a result of trauma. This means that, as much as people may try to convince themselves otherwise, their brains will always react to trauma triggers as if the trauma were actually happening. From what I understand, the best one can hope to achieve is to dampen the response, and the younger the age of the victim, the more permanent the damage. I believe that neglect has similar, but not as well documented, effects.

That's not to say that we can't use our will to its full effect to overcome what is in our power to. As a matter of fact, it's the only thing we can do. However, if every adult was "able to understand any abuse was not our fault", therapists would go out of business!

J.