lying to stop people getting close to you

leckie · Senior Member

lying to stop people getting close to you

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Nice one this.

I find it extremely difficult to lie. Sometimes I wish I didn't! But I understand what you are doing or why you are doing it. What I do instead of lying is be as obnoxious as I can, cold or rude, nothing really bad just enough to say 'back off I'm not a nice person to know'. Some years ago I did it to a doctor who I thought had too relaxed a professional manner. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I must have overdone it because he got really unpleasant with me. Poor bloke must have been really fed up trying to put the patient at ease and getting sarcastic and scornful responses. I shudder now to think how rude I used to be to him. When things got out of hand I couldn't see anyway to put it right either. Luckily we moved house so I left that behind me and tried to be a model patient at the next practice which was very difficult as I find it hard to cooperate - it feels unsafe. Now I'm paranoid in case it's in my medical notes like a character reference that I'm a real rotter!

I think you've already done the first stage. Being honest with yourself about what you are doing and having the insight to know why you're doing it. I can see that it would be a huge hurdle to admit that to someone else because you would have to trust them first. I find it very difficult to let people near me both physically (meal times are bad because people sit close at tables, doctors are worse, nurses even more so) and emotionally etc. Any good relationships & friendships in my life I have had to work at and get to know people slowly. Could you start by saying something like, 'I find it very hard to let people near me. It's because of my past'. See what reaction you get before you continue. Of course sooner or later unless you've got a very good memory you're going to contradict yourself. That will pitch you straight in the deep end I should think.

I suppose lying is like living inside a story. It becomes real as you live it. Could it also be a form of dissociation do you think?

Anyway it doesn't sound crazy to me just a self-defence mechanism and you're very brave to bring it up.

Good luck

ouchzone

-- Edited by ouchzone at 23:52, 2004-09-22

leckie · Senior Member

hi ouchzone there is no way that you are a rotter thank you for your understanding its just that i feel so bad about the lies they were not deliberate cant even tell you why or when they started but they did all the lies have stopped and everyone knows about them which made me feel a bit better so thanks again just wanted to know if i was the only one, i never wanted to hurt anyone

as i said you are not a rotter and the doctor should have understood why you did what you done if he puts anything on your notes it should be ( be gentle take your time and listen to the patient as this patient is special and needs to buld up a lot of trust and please be understanding ) you should not be put down for the way that you are feeling

take care john

-- Edited by leckie at 21:04, 2004-09-23

Sue · Veteran Member

Hi,

I do not lie because I am not afraid and I do not care if someone calls me crazy. Naturally I am nice to everyone and smiling all the time. I love to have a lot of people around me. I live now in the unfriendly Vienna and it is hard to have friends. My husband has and had no friends to have any contact. If you mean to have close relationship cut short with a lie, that is not necessary. Just say I am not ready for a close relatioship. if the other party find out that you lied they would get hurt. You tried how emotional hurt is not a nice thing. Non of us would wish anyone to be hurt right? you have the right to say NO.

Sue

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Leckie,

Uhm good topic,

I don't know how to start, but I have leid to. same as you not becuase I want to hurt anyone or upset poeple but becuase I gues as ouchzone said it's a selfdefence mecanisum, I lied alot to my parents for years, there know everything now, but I had to to keep myself safe.

Don't beat yourself up about it, I think we all have ways in which we cope, and sometimes our brian takes over and as you said you can't remeber when it started or why, I don't remeber who abused me but thats becuase I not ready to rember. The lies I think are the same it's your inner self protecting you.

Not sure what else to say

Take care

Frog

leckie · Senior Member

I NEVER WANTED TO HURT ANYONE I DIDN' MEAN TO HONEST JUST NEVER WANTED TO LET ANYONE CLOSE TO ME BUT I NEVER COUNTED ON FALLING IN LOVE I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO I REALLY DIDN'T I HATED TELLING LIES SO MUCH IT MADE ME MORE DEPRESSED AS I HAD TO DEAL WITH THE FACT I WAS LYING TO SOME ONE I FELL IN LOVE WITH AND WANTED TO LET HER IN AND THE ABUSE IT LITTERALLY DROVE ME OVER THE EDGE WITH GUILT

I AM SORRY FOR LYING TO EVERY ONE I AM HONEST

JOHN

ratty · Member

at last there are others who understand where coming from i to push people away loads to pretend im this really cold and un feeling person when in fact i feel everything but its safer to push people away in case we get hurt again as most of us have at some point in our lives. we have all learnt to hide feeling emotinos for variuos reasons and some times this can take longer to un learn but hang in there if you have found someone who you can stop putting your barriers up with then thats good it not gonna happen over nite but youve taken the first step admiting it to your self guess that the best place to start

good luck ratty

suzy · Newbie

Hi leckie

I lie to people all the time to stop people breaking through my brick wall. I pretend im this confident, assertive strong person when inside im screaming just help me!! I let no one through my wall and feel very isolated and lonely. I fear that i will remain alone for the rest of my life. In my ideal world i would be happy, married and have children but in relatately i no thats never for me, it has been taken away by my abusers. I can never trust anyone or let anyone become close. I am ashamed by what i have let others do to me and feel others will judge me and dislike me. Why wasn't i strong enough to stop them? i dream of telling people about my abuse but have never trusted anyone enough to do so. why does my life seem so much harder then others what did i do wrong? i hate myself and feel worthless why would anyone want to get close to me anyway.

leckie · Senior Member

hi suzanne i uesd to think the way you do till i met jill and boy she blew my mind i wanted to tell her but couldn't basicly for the same reasons as you but you know what she did not judge me or blame me it was just the opisit she loved me and that is what helped me through WE ARE NOT TO BLAME for what happened to us in any way we were afraid and could not do anything to stop it no matter how much we wanted to it took years for me to let jill in through the wall but she stuck with it and took the wall down with me so please don't say that you will never find some one to be happy with and you can trust it takes a long time but it will happen when that someone comes along so please do not hate yourself for something that was forsed upon us we couldnt stop it we have all been left with so many scars and and fears inside but believe me it can change i also could not tell anyone untill about five months ago after jill and i broke up because of the lies she was finding out but breaking up was the best thing that happened to me it made me so determind not to let him win again ever so i cracked went through months of agony trying to kill myself but i have got there and he has not won i have and you will to when its time as it cant be forced you have not done anything wrong your abuser did not you, you are not to blame, and there is no way that you are worthless you are a verry special person

and you have made that first step to telling people your here arn't you thats a big step so be proud of that its taken me over 35 years to get this far and i am proud of that so you should be to ok

just remember your abuser will not win if you dont want them to you are here posting and talking so you dont want your abuser to win do you

take care john x