Fear

claudine · Moderator

Fear

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Are you using an alias? If not would you feel safer using one instead of your name? I'm bothered about being identified too but for different reasons. I think it's called hypervigilance. It's a symptom of extensive abuse.

Every time I think about my abusers I feel depressed. I cannot think about them without that happening. And guilt.

Fear is a normal response to so many years of pain. It's your body's response to try to keep you safe.

I have trouble logging on sometimes. It's because I feel guilt about telling the truth (after years of covering it up). How sick is that? I guess the damage affects us in different ways but it's a result of what's happened to us.

ouch

claudine · Moderator

thanks for replying, ouch, I am using an alias but I'm afraid he'll figure it out. He always found out when I did anything either by going through everything while I was at school or forcing me to admit to things. I'd make things up if I thought it's what he wanted to hear, just to make him stop. Talking about it makes me feel sick.

c

ouchzone · Experienced Member

It's called abuse of power. You're being maipulated. I can understand why you would say what you thought the abuser wanted to hear. It's to stay safe.

With my Mum it was like that too but the other way about. My brother and I were 'taught' not to say certain things she didn't want to hear. We had to pretend we didn't get hurt by her being ill all the time or my Dad being deaf for instance. We had to pretend she was wonderful. She got in a rage if people blamed her for what she had done wrong. My brother complied and I think he believed in the lies. I couldn't do it so I stopped talking. I suppose that was easier for me as she was never physically violent.

I wasn't quite sure why you felt sick. I'm hoping you're not blaming yourself for the stuff you make up. Because none of this is your fault.

I feel concerned that you may still be in danger from your abuser. Are you sharing the same house?

ouchzone

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi Claudine

I was an adult when I finally fled my abusers but the fear that I will be found still haunts me.

My parents were involved with a group who worshipped Satan and I was chosen from a very young age to be their gift to him.

I still question why I was so weak to remain there even when I was grown up with my own children I fled when my daughter was born because I did not want her chosen too and the boys were becoming indoctrinated with the thinking of the disciples even though they were young.

I left with nothing all I have from the past are my memories I wish I could have left them behind with the posessions then maybe life would have been easier I know that not to be true but I can hope.

I have a new identity but it does not stop me being paronoid because I am still that person and I hate her.

You cannot erase the feelings the thoughts the way you function but on good days I imagine it very different

Take care

Amanda

claudine · Moderator

Ouch (i kinda like writing that for some reason)

Thanks again for you're feedback. I sometimes made things up to satisfy him and at other times I also just remained silent. He didn't like that, though. That was resistance. Rebellion.

I feel ill all the time my stomache is constantly in knots. The more I talk the more consistent the sick feeling is. Sometimes at work, I just want to hide in an elevator or an office so I can crouch or curl up for a second. Then I feel a little better.

My father/abuser doesn't even live in the same state as me. But a phone call would have just as much impact as him walking through the door. I can handle a punch or two, after awhile, you don't feel it anymore. Words hurt more.

Amanda, I know what you mean about questioning why you didn't leave. For some messed up reason, I waited until I was kicked out. I have no idea why. I was 20 when that happened. I guess I blame myself for that, too. (like there aren't enough things?) I don't really have good days anymore. Not to be depressing, I do have plenty of good moments. I'm looking forward to a good day,again. Doing alot of digging right now and it's really hard. Thanks for listening. That helps alot.

c

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Abusers teach victims to blame themselves. When the abuser is a parent the lesson sticks. I know because I've done it too. I couldn't handle the phone calls either. And found the silences were provocative to the abuser (unintensionally). If you don't agree with abusers you're 'treating them like dirt' or bad etc. I wouldn't agree with lies or hurt myself or her other targets (she tried to drag me into her bullying of other people too but I wouldn't) anymore to please her but she got very offended by the silences when I couldn't think of anything acceptable (to me) to say. Even though I just wanted peace. The abuser blames the victim and teaches the victim to blame themself because the abuser is weak. Too weak to be an adult and say 'yes I was wrong'. 'Sorry' would be out of the question because they would have to stop the abuse they become addicted too. Abusing makes them feel good, relieves their pain/stresses for a while I think. So they can't stop. They are the weak ones. Have you ever noticed how upset an abuser gets if someone abuses them. Even ever so slightly.

ouch

spunk · Veteran Member

I am still afraid of my mother. Just being in the same room with her has caused me to suffer sever PTSD symptoms, including extreme anxiety, hyper-arousal, paranoid thoughts, etc.

I am not afraid of her in a rational way; I don't expect her to harm me pysically, Iand her behavior towards me is no longer intentionally cruel. My response to her goes all the way back to the original trauma that she inflicted on me, it's part of the wiring of my brain, that I respond as if my life were being threatened just by being in her presence.

This fear is also translated in to a fear of defying her wishes or holding her accountable for her behavior. My brother, sister and I all sort of shut down to some extent in our dealings with her. No one has ever dared to stand up to her in any way, except for me, and I paid very dearly for that.

I can't control the fear, but I can control myself to some estent. I'm working really hard these days to take the fear component out when I consider how to relate to her.

Lisa

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Hi Claudine,
I used to think that I didn't feel any fear of my mother, just anger. But one night when coming home from work with my boyfriend (now my husband) there was a car parked outside our parking lot driven by a woman who looked like her. I had a flashback. My reaction was immediate (pure unadulterated terror), and I didn't really understand what I was doing until much later. We had to cross the street in front of the car, and I put my body between the car and my boyfriend. I didn't say anything to him - he didn't know what was happening. I didn't want to waste any time talking - I just had to get in the building. Once we got in my apartment, I locked the door and wouldn't let either of us leave. I was so terrified I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep that night.

Ever since then I haven't been so cavalier to tell myself that I could stand up to her, and have to admit that, yes I'm still afraid. Of course, I've tried to do some role-playing as to what i would do if I saw her again, but I don't have much success, even in my own head. I have to say that it helped me a lot when my mother-in-law told me that they would stand up to her for me if anything happened.

I know that it's unusual, and statistically improbable, but I truly believe that she would attempt to cause me serious physical harm if I were to come into her life again.

Spunk: You said:
"No one has ever dared to stand up to her in any way, except for me, and I paid very dearly for that." I relate to that statement in a hundred ways. In some ways, I found it validating, because I've actually seen the worst behaviour, rather than just living in fear of it.

Regards,
J.

ellie · Senior Member

Hi Claudine,

Im glad you posted this, its taken me a while to reply because the fear still grips like a vice and im actually having trouble to continue with this. I still fear my abuser even though i have not seen him since i was 11 years old.

Two incidents that are prominent; the power in the house was tripped a couple of months ago, i was in the house with my family but i thought it was him. I was terrified i thought he had cut the power and had come to get me and i didnt feel any safety even though i was not alone.

He found out my address before and my name even though i had changed it and managed to track me down. He turned up when i was in hospital and thank god was stopped by the staff and asked his name. Even though he had not got near me the very fact that he was up the corridor was petrifying. I wanted to run but was frozen with fear. I was in a hospital full of people but felt totally alone. He was threatened with the police before he would leave.

After that he sent a letter, ive kept the letter so i have his address because i also fear for my childrens safety if he ever found me again. This is really frightning even though im an adult, it doesnt feel like it. My stomach is in knots and i feel physically sick.

ellie

claudine · Moderator

********possible trigger**********

Hey ellie,

I think I'm still struggling with the fear of 'telling'. I've started to talk recently and until now, no one has threatened to disrupt his 'place' in the family. Even my mother was aware of the abuse but instead of helping me, she was jealous and rejected me.

I'm afraid that as I expose the past, he'll try to shut me up like he used to. I have a hard time feeling safe. I never answered my phone until I got called ID. I don't answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. At traffic stops I have to slowly look at the cars around me to make sure he isn't in one of them. I hate living like this. I wish he would just die already.

I'm sorry you feel the same way.

c

ellie · Senior Member

Hi claudine,

Im so sorry your mum treated you like that, my mum was ineffective at protecting us but that was all and in the end she did get us out. I am glad you posted this subject and the amount of replys shows that people need to talk about this.

I have also had the thought that i might feel better if he was dead but couldnt decide if i would feel better or not. His face haunts me and i see people that look like him, strangly my brother cannot remember what he looks like and would not be able to reconize him. I thought that was probably worse because i wouldnt know who to look for.

Take care and thanks

ellie

claudine · Moderator

Hi ellie,

It did take awhile for a response on this one, which made me feel a little isolated, but I don't feel as bad anymore. I've gone through periods of not being able to remember his face and was so happy about it! But it didn't last. Your mind plays funny tricks on you, doesn't it? Lately, just seeing familiar features disturbs me. As my brothers grow older, they look a little more like him and I can't stand to be with them. You're not going to believe this but one of them actually came to a halloween party impersonating my father, dressed like him and everything. None of them knew about the sexual abuse then, but there was plenty of violence. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't let him in until he changed. He thought it was funny.

c

ellie · Senior Member

Hi clauline,

Its amazing how our minds mess everything up sometimes. Why cant everything be in the right place and the right order and why does it forget things and then spit things back out when you thought it had been sorted.

Your brother not a sensitive soul then?? I think they just dont think sometimes but then its seen as us being overly sensitive instead of them behaving like a twit. My brother has also started to look like my dad, when i last saw him there was several times when i looked at him and thought 'oh my god'. I hope this goes away because i dont want to be thinking like this all the time.

Take care

ellie

claudine · Moderator

Ha! That 'twit' crack made me laugh.

Thanks, I needed that!

c

claudine · Moderator

Hey ellie!

You just turned me into a freakin' 'veteran'!

c

claudine · Moderator

major knots.

just spoke with a brother who recently confronted our father, I'm really torn up. He said some really messed up stuff. I feel like I've eaten glass. I told about the other stuff, I can't even put it into words right now. I told everyone, he hasn't changed, but I would have liked to have been proven wrong. My brother told him he should be in jail for the thing he's done. He replied, 'I've done worse than you know', full of hate. he's so twisted. How am I supposed to confront this? I want to ask him what else he's done to me because I can't remember. It's in pieces. I feel so sick.

c

ellie · Senior Member

Hi claudine,

im so sorry, it sounds like its really hurting. I understand you want to find out more because you cant remember but give yourself some time and space. Ive been told things in the past that have really torn me up and part of me thinks 'just throw it all at me, i can take it, i dont care how much its hurting i want to know what happened' (bit self- destructive really, not looking after myself).

So please give yourself some time and comfort, if you confronted you may be putting yourself at risk. (is it right you live away from you abuser) i might be wrong but dont rush into anything and make sure you feel safe.

Do i remember you have a dog? i have a dog and take him for long walks in my favourite places when i need a bit of space. You might have other things that help, try and do some of them today and make yourself feel special, you deserve it because you are a very special person.

Thinking of you and hope it eases soon, write some more if you need too.

ellie

jane · Experienced Member

hi claudine,

how you doing?

its difficult to know what to say right now as i remember everything and have no idea what it must be like to be recovering memories. i just want you to know that i will always listen and i am here anytime you want to talk. the fear of finding out more must be so paralysing, i feel for you so much, i wish i could stop it for you. always remember you can talk it out here as and when you need to.

stay safe always

jane

claudine · Moderator

hi jane,

i just want you to know that i appreciate your reply. i'm not ready for this one. it's pretty bad. i need some time.

c

claudine · Moderator

hi ellie,

thanks, you have been so nice. so has everybody. you're absolutely right, i want it all, i want to know. but it's probably not a good idea right now.

c