I find depression hard to comprehend. My GP had to explain it to me recently. I'm 52 and was diagnosed when 14. My mother (the main abuser) told me I had it. She said I should be grateful she wasn't going to throw me out. That I was bad inside (the abbreviated version). She stepped up the abuse after the diagnosis and told me I was making her ill (because I was depressed) and threatened me that she would go into hospital again and never come out this time (my fault) if I didn't stop being depressed.

My first memories are of her rages, lies and saying one thing and doing the opposite. I couldn't handle it so I got upset (I was less than three years old I think) and she punished me for hours sometimes I think for the rest of the day. She treated me as if I didn't exist. Other times she said she loved me. I knew she loved my brother. When he did wrong she blamed me. She didn't punish him. I don't know what 'normal' childhood experiences are. So I cannot comprehend depression. I don't think I'm normally depressed. Maybe that's what happens when I get triggered though.

I read recently somewhere that teenagers who are depressed blame their parent/s for every little thing they ever did. That it's a symptom of depression ie poor parents. My mother used this idea when I was teenage and played the martyr (spelling? - sorry) to perfection. The doctors had no idea I was avioding her because I wasn't safe with her. All the years I covered up for her and she lied inventing bad stuff about me to turn them against me and get the sympathy for herself while accusing me of running telling tales which she had taught me was bad to do. Depression turns into one of the cycles of abuse: abuse - depression - nothing you say is believed or counts - abuse. The anti depressants made me so ill that they put me off taking tablets of any sort. For years I couldn't even take aspirin. My doctor anger is kicking in now. They believed the lies and made me ill with their filthy drugs. Sorry. Have to stop.

ouch

Hi Michelle,

Depression was a very large factor long before I started dealing with the abuse. I believe the depression was my way of not dealing with the abuse.  In my twenties I was on so much medication without any help to sort out why I needed the medication which did nothing but make the spiral of self-harm much much worse.

I still get bouts of depression but no where near as destructive as then, and now will not take mainstream pills - have discovered that alternatives work far better for me (interestingly if I lived in Germany the pills I swollow now would be the ones that would be prescribed by my GP!).

Today is not a good day, probably because I also have a bad cold and not enough sleep, and my little girl (at 23 she is still my little girl) is also very depressed as her hospital treatment is not going very well, and she is in a great deal of pain both physically and emotionally. Of course I cannot afford to get very depressed when others are dependent on me, so I give myself down moments, from which I know I can pull myself out of as soon I need to.  This may sound crazy to you, but I do hope that some of you will understand. 

Depression needs to be treated not just with pills, thats a busy doctors easy answer - one of my bandwagons, seen the harm that medication alone can do.

Take care all of you.