My Story So Far... (Could TRIGGER)

Frog · Experienced Member

My Story So Far... (Could TRIGGER)

ellie · Senior Member

Frog,

Please dont be sorry, you did the right thing to write it down. You said you didnt have the words but your pain, confusion, frustration and feelings of helplessness were clear. You dont always need the right words to get your feelings across. You have so many questions and so many bits of the puzzle that need to fit together. I too have lots of questions and it drives me mad. I have before just witten the question down to look at on a later date, just get it down on paper.

I too am scared to remember (like you it is in the bathroom), my therapist said if it had already happened what am i scared off? For me im scared to accept what happened - Im scared that what im thinking is true and if its true why didnt i stop it, scream, shout and why didnt my mum help me. I also think i wont be able to cope because i have days when im barely coping now.

Frog, regards the pain; for me i have to curl up on the sofa and cuddle a big squashy soft cushion and instead of fighting the pain (which i used to do) i let it consume me. I can do this because i feel safe in this position on my sofa.

I dont know if this helps or makes sense, i hope so. I have also sat and written for a long time, ended up crying for hours and then scribbling all over my writing, it just released the frustration that i was feeling at the time.

You mention therapy, did you have a good therapist?

Please take care, thinking of you.

Ellie.

Raindancer · Veteran Member

Hi Frog,

Im not really sure what to say, but i do want to acknowledge what you have wrote because i know its not an easy thing to do....well done. I do hope that in time you are able to find the answers to your questions with support.

Take gentle care,

Raindancer

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi

Thanks for your replies they were great.

I was seeing counseller before were I went to college, she was great. But I have left college now. and she became pregnent. but I never seeked anymore thearpy as I didn't want to go to a private place for counselling I was scared that they were untrustworthy.

All the time i was in counselling I coudn't cry I couldn't. now I want to cry an still can't.

I still live at home with my mum and dad, it's very difficult when I was a kid. they used to try an make me see there ways if i didn't there would be an argument. I would try and resist for days to say anything against them, try to hold back the tears then I would just burst shout out and then it really bad. my mum would follow me upstairs would shake me to stop crying and then my dad would appear they would talk about me as though I wasn't there. I rember my dad saying "shes doing this on perpuse" I would have to stop crying clean my face say I was sorry and go back downstaires and stay they smile and laugh untill it was time to go to bed becuase if I didn't they would know i was still upset and it would carry on for a week or so things being drumed into me my mum getting upset and being horribale to me. I would go to bed and would stay awake untill they were all alslep and cry silenlty.

Its the same now an I am 25 years old. If I was to cry they would ask questions beucase they worried only natrul I suppose. just so difficult. I went to the docs alittle while back and cryed I don't usally do that.

gone on again sounds so sad but I fine really

Take care

Frog

ellie · Senior Member

Frog,

You are not going on at all and do you know i smiled at your last comment 'im fine' because thats exactly what i say when i sit down at my couseller's place and im not really!

No wonder you are having trouble being able to cry with that history, as a child you were punished for feeling sad and angry and not allowed to cry. It will feel better (thats not the right word for it really) when you do cry, i think its more of a release. Ive been in therapy for about 11 months and remember needing to cry but not being able too and scared that once i started i wouldnt be able to stop. Of course you do but at the time i just couldnt let it out. I have cried in sessions recently but its mostly at home when i am on my own and feel safe enough to do it.

It must be so difficult for you living at home with your mum and dad, you cant really get any privacy without them wondering whats going on. I dont really know what to suggest and its silly to ask if theres a possibility of moving out because you probable would have done that by now.

I go to a private couseller, to start with i accessed the staff couselling service at work (NHS). I was asked what i wanted to work on and said ' some issues in my childhood' that was the first time i said something and the hardest. She straight away said she wanted to give my tele no to a couseller and i got a call the next day. I got three free sessions from my employer and then decided to carry on privatly because she has private clients. My couseller had been abused as a child and she is excellent. I admit that i have been fortunate in getting a good couseller first time as i know lots of people have had bad experiences.

Have you looked into cousellers in your area, i think this website can give you contact numbers and it has a section on what to expect or ask your couseller re their experience and knowledge. I hope you find somebody to trust and help you.

Take care

ellie

Frog · Experienced Member

Thank you Ellie,

That reply meant so much as I am feeling low tonight and felt alone, but funnly enough I have justt cryed my eyes out and feel alot better, I guess talking about it more just started me off.

Thankyou for you advice I will look into more counselling I think I need it right now so I have an outlet. I used to enjoy it I found it was time for me, were I could let out my despest darkest fears and feel safe.

unfortinatly I can't afford to get a place of my own. I trying to save up rit now. Butt have just started a new job will in May but still on 6 months trial and not going so well had quite a few days off sick, as couldn't really cope with the stress. I was made redunant from my old job, although I feel it was that they wanted to get me out, as I had been off for two months with depression and before that I was up for a disaplanary for using the phone and internet to much. I was ringing friends ans emailing them I was going through a really bad time. I know it was my own fualt. then second day back I was made reduntant. I worked with my mum for a few months and then got my current job, but not finding it easy.

My ex husband is still learking in the background cuasing hassel for me.

I do howerver have a wonderful friend who gives me so much support, it's not easy for him but he is so understanding, and so patient, I love him to pieces, and he's the best thing since sliced bread for me!

It's funny I looked back at what I have written and think I am someone else looking at this thinking she's had a though time, to me I don't now I guess well I don't now sometimes I feel I am not me! Does that make any sense.

I also supprise myself with how much I write and how much they is to come out.

I am sorry for your suffering to I wish I could change it for all us here, and thankyou Raindancer for your rply to the support is so good and helps so much.

Thankyou Havoca I am so glad your hear

Take gentle care, be safe

Frog

ellie · Senior Member

Frog,

Im glad you were able to have a cry tonight, i might join you later! Sharing your feelings, writing here and talking to your friend are all going to help but i agree that i think finding a therapist is going to help.

I do hope your job goes well and thats all the more reason to go ahead with therapy. Ive had some time off recently from work and have found it difficult, i end up lying about why i had the time off and become defensive. Im sure that doesnt look too good. Again we are stuck because i have gone in when i have felt dreadful and ended up having a go at a colleague (she was doing something stupid though) but its out of character for me and i got into a bit of trouble.

I know what you mean about looking back at your writing, it feels the same for me. I still cant believe that i actually write here, cos it still frightens me sometimes. But i know i can say things and people will understand, i never realised how much support and comfort i would get from writing here.

Thats a prompt for any guest thinking about becoming a member!

Take care frog,

ellie.

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for your reply I know what you mean about the support here it's fornmanal! (can't spell)

I am sorry you have time off to and having trouble, it's so hard at work I know. It's not something I find I can explain to poeple either. I fear there reaction.

I will take you advice and get some help - it can only help.

I feel alot better after having a cry, it's hurts but releases alot and helps so much.

I found on the oh I can't remeber where it is, Oh I know under the section gossip Jamie put on this car driving game it's great! also reading the gossip section is a good break too.

I don't know what to say to help you rit know.

Take care, do something nice for yourself!!!

Frog