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Post Info TOPIC: confusion, could trigger
maw


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confusion, could trigger
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Hi all, dunu what to say really, im so confused. but ill try.


ok im male and 42 years young :) with 4 beautiful children 21, 14 ,11 and 9, also i have a lovely wife, who i love dearly. so why am i so angry? go off on one at the slightest thing? im only hurting the people i love. I trust noone, until they earn trust.


im not guna go into details. but last weeks events made me dig into my past (took me 2 days of deep thought) why arnt my brother and sister effected like i am, they went through the same as me, we all came from a broken home, my parents split up in around 1967/1968, while we were all young children.


this is what i came up with, when i was 6 years old, hmmmm........ I was sexualy abused by the nextdoor neigbours son, i was six years old, he was around 20 (a guess) but i didnt know it was abuse, all i remember is running to the shops to spend the "two bob" he gave me, i was happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i only remember the once, but i refer to it as "when i *used* to go in the anderson shelter" (air raid shelter) in my recent thoughts. maybe i only got a tanner (six old pence) the other times.


i didnt realise till i got older, around 11, that it was wrong that i had masterbated him. (can i say that? if not please delete it) and i never felt any shock horror feelings. which confuses me greatly.


i had nightmares, sometimes climbing out of windows, and running away in my sleep, other times locking myself in the bathroom, during my youth.


when i was in my mid twenties, my father and me were playing darts in a local bar, my father was talking to this man (i didnt know him) i just kept on throwing the darts at the board, getting some practice, to beat the old man at darts :)


when dad came back, i asked "who was that" he told me the name. *it was my abuser* (i duno if my parents knew about my abuse)


I flew into a rage, and attempted to follow the "low life bastard" my father stopped me, i said "do you know what he did?" the reply was "yes, but hes retarded, leave him alone", did my dad know something else, did he know what had happened to me? i didnt ask. i was totally numb. which in a way is a good thing, i dont want to goto prison. the bastard has screwed my life up enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


my nightmares changed, i was no longer the scared child, i started having "fightmares" so my wife tells me, i cant remember these. basicly i was fighting someone in my sleep, and yes my wife got it. :( i didnt beleive it, hence the difficulties it caused in our marraige.


also my nana mentaly abused me from the age of 6, shes dead now, thank you god.


im abusing alcohol, have self harmed (burning/cutting wrists, etc)


will it get better or worse? now that ive come out of denial?????


its been 4 days since i told anyone about this, including my wife, i told her after i told the doctor, now im awaiting counselling.


can i be affected by this abuse? ive gone over 30 years without giving it a second thought, but i knew.


im just confused


sorry for any bad language, its just how i felt.



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Hey, MAW,


It'll get better, you're doing the right thing by talking about it and getting counselling. It sounds like you've been blessed with a lovely family. They'll see you through it. Keep seeing them as you allies. Don't exclude them, they'll help you.


c



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Hi Maw,


One of the things i've started to recognise between my brother and I is not just how different our childhoods where, but how we seem to cope/react differently. Its only now im starting to notice that he does have his own issues as for so long he tried to hide this. I guess what im trying to say is that maybe your siblings have been affected by their pasts (whether or not they are aware of this themselves)...but we dont always see this.


As for will it get better or worse? Well i try to tell myself at times, that when it feels as if it could get no worse...the only option left is for it to get better. I know its not this easy, and that words make it seem/sound so simple, but your trying Maw. You've opened up to your wife, your doctor and your now awaiting counselling. I think (with alot of hard work) in time you'll see the benefits and hopefully things will get better for you.


Take care, Raindancer



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