A recent topic was therapy. I’ve had some a few years ago, a general  counsellor on the NHS, which helped but didn’t resolve my worse problems. Every time I tried to talk about the worse stuff the therapist steered me away from the topic. I’m not sure whether that was to safeguard me as the confrontation was making me feel suicidal at the time (Is it OK to say that?) or whether it was because she couldn’t deal with the issues herself. When my GP mentioned therapy a few months ago I said I wanted to talk to a male specialist in child abuse as my main abuser was female (the two others were male). So far it has not worked out for reasons I’m afraid to talk about openly.

Has anyone else experienced any of the following summarised below:

Abuse – difficulty talking – not being believed – not being treated with respect – loss of trust – stop talking – stress symptoms for no apparent reason – wrong diagnosis

Abuse – symptoms of stress – medical intervention – abuser takes steps to shut up the victim (threats and worse abuse) – not safe to tell the truth – wrong medical diagnosis and treatment
+ Abuser says all the ‘right things’ and appears to be concerned – third party reports back to victim how wonderful their carer is – victim thinks if this person who treats me is so wonderful that can only mean I deserve to be in pain (mental or physical) and I must be a really bad person and don’t matter.

Or they will never believe me now - loss of trust – complete isolation

Educational

Difficulty concentrating  due to hunger, abuse and trauma – poor performance – neglect because is not rewarding to teach / other pupils benefit more so resources and time are shifted towards ‘more deserving’ children without family problems/abuse – left behind – loss of self esteem or not developing self esteem – poor educational performance – difficulties with employment – give up trying – treated by society like a ‘sponge’

Social

Exclusion imposed by ‘caregivers’ – not safe to talk at home (get verbally or physically assaulted or intimidated to believe there is danger of physical assault) – only conversation carries undercurrents of abuse, neglect, win/lose situations, demands by caregivers/bullies for attention and admiration over areas victim is excluded from or one upmanship – don’t learn how to interact with people and make normal conversation + nothing to talk about + nothing say counts and is ignored or ridiculed – isolation – then told ‘being shy means you’re a self centred person only caring about how you appear to others’ (the main abuser’s behaviour was to be obsessed with appearances, truth didn’t matter)

Being rejected + bullied excluded and isolated (for me in the home/family but could be elsewhere) – unhappy – ‘Nobody wants you because you’re unhappy

Bullied – ask for help – told ‘It’s bad to say bad things about people – stop asking for help – bullying gets worse but bully is wonderful

Bullied – defend self – treated like a delinquent for one mild act – stop defending self and let bullying happen – feel terrible – favourite target for bullying

Rules

Revenge is wrong but rule maker gets revenge for the truth to suppress it. Victim continues to treat abuser well. Abuse becomes worse over time.
Wrong to ask for help. Despised for ‘Running telling tales’ but abuser makes up bad things about victim which are believed while victim isn’t safe to tell the truth. Saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’ directly to abuser causes aggression which they say victim has ‘provoked’. Stop saying ‘stop’. Third parties say ‘how can they know you’re getting upset* if you don’t tell them? + If you make the slightest slip the abuser becomes very aggressive and says ‘nobody treats me like that’ and ‘I teach people to respect me’ etc.

* Sometimes implying you’re a wimp, rather than that they are using bullying behaviour, or you can’t take a joke.

Controlling person has made up an imaginary world and uses those around them to act out their world. Telling the truth causes immediate hostility so victim stops saying things the controller doesn’t want to hear and is ‘trained’ to say only the things the controller does want to hear in order to keep the peace and stop the attacks – controller has their imaginary world reinforced at the same time as insulting their victim/s and showing them no respect. The controller also manages to say things which reflect positively on themselves and negatively on victims so third parties won’t believe the truth and demand admiration from victim for abuser. Victim told he/she is bad inside to ‘bottle things up’ and must talk so starts to talk and is aggressively shut up again and the truth replaced by lies which reinforce imaginary world.

(This is not the same as dissociation which is used to protect victims from too much pain and is OK.)

Feeling ill (physically) – tell caregiver – not believed – no permission to feel ill = not ill so must perform to their standards of behaviour & performance – unable to do so – sick person is bad or lazy and punished – even more difficult to achieve standards set = feel even more ill + loss of reputation + loss of trust + pain of punishment

If so does anybody have any suggested ways of moving away from these cycles? At the moment the search for therapy one is the worse but I’m afraid to say what’s going on even though it’s stressing me out big time.

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