ABUSE PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL

michelle · Senior Member

ABUSE PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL

caren34 · Member

Hi michelle

Well i'll start hey ,i was physically abused by both my mum and dad , and sexually abused by my dad.

Ok ere goes , my earlyist memory is being 4 , and from monday to friday we wore one vest then saturday to sunday , i did'nt change my vest on friday night , and on saturday morning i remember my mum standing at the twin tub asking me why? i'd forgotton, and she said when your dad comes back from work your going to get it , he finished at 12.00pm , got home about 12.30ish , my mum told him ,and he told me to bend over settee and took off his belt and whipped me 10 times on my bum with no knickers on , this became the norm, only it increase to 10 times on our bum and 10 on each hand ,at this point i'll stop

take care

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

** Warning - the post below may trigger some people**

Michelle,
I've noticed in some of your other posts that you seem to struggle with the level of abuse you've suffered, comparing those who've suffered sexual abuse with those who have not.

I struggled for years with the same thing - still do on many levels. I think physical abuse isn't taken seriously enough by almost anyone. I finally learned to accept that, although I don't have any memory of sexual abuse, I have almost all of the same symptoms, and with much of the same intensity. I don't want to trivialize sexual abuse at all, I feel that it's a profound violation on so many levels. But I'm sure that even survivors of sexual abuse will say that it doesn't come in only one type and that there is quite a range of symptoms in its survivors.

Even if you don't have all of the symptoms you hear described by other members, if you are here it is valid. Please don't trivialize or undermine your pain - it's still important, and it's still worthy of being healed.

(This is an area I have strong feelings about which I'll share here; I apologize in advance for rambling far too long below. I beg your indulgence, and thank those of you who have enough patience to wade through this post:)

I've learned that there are many supports, including therapy, self-help groups and literature, for survivors of incest, stranger sexual assault, and domestic abuse, but almost no support for those who've survived 'garden variety' physical abuse and neglect. And that there is really no 'description' in the public discourse that covers parent's hatred and psychological torture of their children; it's most often lumped together with physical abuse. It's almost as if the problem doesn't exist, or isn't of any seriousness. And yet, over the last couple of years, there have been so many high profile cases in the media here of parents who have killed their children, in horrible ways. The body parts of one child were found in garbage bags strewn around the lakeshore. And these were cases of 'just physical' child abuse.

There is also a type of physical abuse that seems minor, but is all about psychological terrorizing. This is the type of abuse that is hardest to quantify, or to describe, precisely because it is designed to 'fly under the radar screen' of most definitions of abuse. I once read that a way to stone a person to death without an executioner was for multiple people to place small rocks on the person being killed - that way no one person could say that they killed the victim, but the cumulative effect was still the same. I think that psychological terrorizing can be viewed the same way. When describing it, the only way to measure its impact is by telling all the 'little' things that contributed - but by then the listener has lost patience, etc...

I suffered from this type of abuse. My mother was like a master chess player. She could set up my life in so many ways so that I had no-where to go, no-one to believe me, and was setup to look like I was making things up before I ever said a word to anyone. So, of course, I didn't. And I've found that therapists do not want to acknowledge women as abusers, and can have very strange or threatening reactions if I try to deal with that. And many therapists do not want to acknowledge how serious 'just physical' abuse can be.

That's why this website and forum (many, many thanks to Jamie, by the way) has been a godsend for me. I've found support here that I've never found anywhere else.

I've come to believe that the lack of support and validation by the outside world is a serious trauma in itself. I've been hurt as much by not being believed or taken seriously as I have by my original abuse. Because of this, I've ended up living my life in almost total isolation other than work, because the cost of living the lie was just too much for me. I became totally estranged from my family, as the only way I could find of keeping my sanity and my safety. But, not being able to acknowledge that is so difficult. Anything but the most trivial social situations are almost impossible.

It wasn't until I was in my late twenties that I could even acknowledge that what happened to me was abuse - I had no words to describe it. I genuinely thought that what happened to me wasn't that bad. It wasn't until my thirties that I finally started to realize just how significant the abuse was. Not that I didn't have symptoms before that, just that I attributed my symptoms to other things.

So I guess the above was my long-winded way (sorry) of saying that I'm in extreme pain because of 'just physical' abuse, and have found almost no supports, which makes living with it almost unbearable at times. I'm hoping that this forum is a place where I can do that.

A thought just came to me - wouldn't mind feedback from others. When I look at the cases of child murder (by parents) in the media, I almost never hear mention of sexual abuse. I wouldn't mind hearing feedback from survivors of both sexual and non-sexual abuse to hear how many felt like their lives were genuinely threatened.

Thanks for letting me go on so long about this, and thanks Michelle for posting.

claudine · Moderator

*********Could Trigger************

GR&W,

I think you've made a valid point. Although I've suffered from sexual abuse, I was raised in an environment of violence, hostility and neglect. The sexual abuse mostly occurred later, in my teens, after I'd been beaten into a submissive state for years. I also witnessed the same abuse being dished out to my mother and brothers. There are so many layers to the damage that I don't know what stems from where. All I know is that I've been seeing a therapist once a week for six years, I'm on a ton of meds, and finding this site three weeks ago has blown open a bunch of new doors. (In a good way). My Father was an expert at hurting you in ways it wouldn't show. He threatened to kill one or all of us so if you told, someone else would pay the price. The sexual abuse was very traumatic and the shame and isolation is compounded by the fact that I was the only girl. My brothers weren't aware of that part. I've been trying to deal with that issue recently. But in therapy, alot of times I have felt that when discussing getting repeatedly kicked until I actually stopped crying wasn't getting the same response from my therapist as anything that was sexual in nature. The beatings were brutal. I didn't understand why they didn't inspire a stronger response. Also being a small child witnessing your mother being beaten by your father is very traumatic. We havn't even touched on the psychological abuse! Twenty years is a long time. I don't think I can talk about it anymore right now. I still get really paranoid that he might see this and know it's me.

c

Mel · Newbie

Hello, I'm new and don't really know where to start. I'm 39 years old and now for the first time I need to talk about what happened during my childhood. The problem I'm having is deciding where to post. I was sexually abused as a very young child but "think" I've dealt with that. The psychological and physical absue came from foster parents who my sister and I lived with for 11 years. This is where I have issues I'm not sure how to deal with. I feel that the "everyday" abuse is unrecognised and in a lot of cases not beleived. Reading some of your stories I feel that what happened to us, while bad for us, isn't bad as what you have suffered. Therefore I feel not worthy of telling you my story. Does that make sense?

I need to tell people what happened but there is so much of it. I don't want to take up your time by writing a lengthy post but I know if I start it will all come spilling out. Is there anywhere you an write an essay? lol.

Anyway, hello to all of you. Hoping to beign my healing now I've been pointed in your direction.

Mel x

michelle · Senior Member

Gr&W

I guess in away I have been very blessed. I have a therapist who truly understands my physical abuse. And has so much compassion and understanding.He seems to show more anger about it than I ever could. He always tells me I believe you.He has never took my abuse lightly.

I do not know what I would do with out my therapist.He recently took a 3 month leave.I found out yesterday he will be back at Thanksgiving. BEST news I could have received.

Just alittle about my abuse so you will know where I am coming from.

My mother was my abuser.She tried to drown me at the age of 4 in the bath tub. My brother was 7 at time the saved my life.

I always went to school with bruses in 3 grade she gave me one on the whole side of my face.

As I became older she would try to stab me with knives. One time she tried to hit me I ducked and she hit the wall and broke her arm.

It wasen't nothing to get up at 3 in the morning and clean house.And go to school the next day.

I also was the only girl she liked boys better. She also abused my older brother but not the younger one.

I think the names hurt the most to name a few.Whore, slut,worthless,I hate you. I did not believe them or allow my self to become that.

I always told her the only day I wonted to live to see is the day they put her blank in the ground.And I have lived to see it.

I feel where my anger is towards the third grade teacher and principal. They ask me what happened to my face and I told them my mom had hit me.They did nothing.

neighbors herd the screams did nothing.

I would also call the police and they would tell me to go back in the house.And behave.

Also told another teacher in high school.She told the principal I was not living at home and almost got me kicked out of school. because you had to be living with your legal guardian to go to school.

I cried out and know one helped.Thats where my anger comes from.

Thats why I do what I do today. Helping abused and neglected children.

Mel also a note to you I feel the same way about my abuse.Not being as extreme as the others.

I shared that part of me so you would know where I am coming from.

Thanks to all who have also shared there lives.

Michelle

amanda · Experienced Member

This may trigger so please be careful

no matter what the abuse everyone who has ever suffered anykind of abuse is welcome on this site and I actually have found something which gives me reassurance and safetyand a chance to talk with others who understand.

I will share with you the basics of my life and why I feel all kinds of abuse are equally as bad.

For me my abuse goes back further than what I can remember until three years ago I did not even realise it was named ritual abuse my family were involved in a satanic group I never questioned this was not normal I never spoke about it but then nor did anyone else I grew up with. The physical abuse side has left me with scarring that will stay as a reminder. The injuries sustained have healed but have left weaknesses I have epilepsy which is caused by scarring to the brain from frequent beatings I have a bend in my arm and it does not move like it should because of a fracture that received no treatment the cane welts have healed the scars remain as reminders of how they were inflicted and if I touch them I feel the pain. I have a crude tattoo of four numbers that was given to me because I was chosen Those scars will remain no matter how far my healing journey takes me.

I am sorry if I have upset or offended anyone it just felt ok to share

Amanda

spunk · Veteran Member

For me it all blends together. I was physically and emotionally abused by both parentss, sexually abused by my father, my mother sexually abused my brother and chose me as her special victim for neglect, and physical and emotional abuse. My father's SA did not truamatize me when I was very young, the SA was introduced as a game, fun, and not painful. However my mother terrorized me. I lived with the expectation and real possibility that she might kill me from about three years old. I saw my father as my protector from this.

Lisa

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

I'm so moved by what everyone has posted here that I hardly have any words. It breaks my heart to think that any one of you could ever have thought that your abuse wasn't significant. It also makes me angry beyond words - beyond belief.

Each of us have had such traumatic experiences. What is wrong with the world that so few ever came to our defence, and that we could spend so much unnecessary and wasted energy and time wondering if our concerns are valid?

My heart aches for every one of you. I can't believe how unbelievably strong you are. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

I think it is very difficult to compare individual responses to abuse. Each person is an individual, and the abuse was a personal violation, and our response to that is ours and ours alone. But it is through this experience we can support each other. I don't think it is right to compare one type of abuse to another and say one is worse than another, one may be more violent, or hurtful, or taking innocence, or psychological, or just plain neglect. The childs age when the abuse happened is also a factor. I have no wish to compete for the worst or the best, any child that suffers abuse should not do so. None of us deserved what happened, we were children to be protected and nurtured.

Sorry I will get off my soapbox now.

Though I think it can be helpful to know peoples background, so that our replies are appropriate. So saying - my background is

I was physically, emotionally, psychologically abused and neglected by both my parents. But as my parents were "pillars of society" and because of the way I was trained I thought the life I had was "normal". This lasted until I left home at 19. The effects of all this stayed with me, and gradually over the years I have seen and learnt that all was not well. I began to say that I was abused, but it was a label I gave myself (even though I did not fully understand what I meant by it) because I could find no other that would fit and needed to be listened to. All other attempts at getting help had failed as the symptom was being treated not the cause. I eventually went into therapy, and even then it was only after my mother died I was able to fully acknowledge what was going on. When I was 46 I went on a child protection course for work, the different types of abuse were given and there it was, a description of my childhood. Since then there have been firm pointers to sexual and ritual abuse, though I have no memory of them.

I still don't connect properly with my past, and look at it in separate adult way. Coming to grips with it, acknowledging it, remembering, and all else that goes with healing, that is what I am doing now.

claudine · Moderator

Hi everyone,

Everytime I post I tell myself, 'Ok! This is the last one!' I'm so uncomfortable doing it, but everything everyone is discussing is so familiar and I've never found that before. I just want to make sure that I'm not making anyone feel that their story isn't worth discussing. It all matters! That's what's so great about this site. I think the idea behind this particular topic is to try and explore all aspects of abuse and how it affects us now, not to judge who has had it 'worse'. Just trying to express an opinion makes me feel ill. I hope I havn't offended anyone. If I did, I'm sorry.

c

feemarie · Senior Member

First of all I hope i dont offend anyone with this.

It makes me very sad that we are comparing the types of abuse here. I came here because I struggle with the abuse i received as a child, as we all did and i am starting to feel almost guilty that i suffered sexual abuse and that some of you seem to think that its taken more seriously than the type of abuse you have suffered. I cant stress clearly enough that any abuse is completely wrong, i have always thought so and never compared my situation to anyone elses. I came here to feel accepted and i feel like i cant write my story here the way some of you have for fear of offending those of you who seem to think i get more recognition than you. let me make it clear i ahve never had any recognition of my abuse, apart from to be told it wasnt important and didnt matter.

what does it matter who had what done, the fact is we are all in pain and trying to overcome the bad things that happened to us, it is not a contest as to who was and is worse off.

again i hope i havent upset or offended anyone, that is the last thing i would want, i just want us to all feel comfortable on here, all of us or else where is the point, we all need it as much as each other or we wouldnt be here at all.

you are all in my thoughts, truly.

fee

x

michelle · Senior Member

Fee,

I myself do not beleive in anyway are we trying to compare whose abuse is worse. I feel thats how you choose to take it.

People are here in pain and looking for some closure.

I do not feel we are comparing.We are sharing a part of are own experiences and a part of ourselves.

Some are not ready to move to this level and that is ok.

I myself am truly comfortable on this site.If I am not its my free will to move on.

May everyone find closure and peace in there life. Michelle

feemarie · Senior Member

sorry michelle i didnt want to offend you. sorry to anyone else who i offended i was just sharing how it made me feel.

fee

x