NOT ABUSING

michelle · Senior Member

NOT ABUSING

HAVOCA · Trustee

I know what an emotive topic this question can become, especially since the media jumps on the bandwagon that states 95% of abusers were abused themselves.

Of course these statistics are probably taken from institutions where abusers are detained, therefore the spectrum of the audience is very heavily biaise towards the offender. In reality, a lot of survivors/victims of abuse never come forward, they also never become abusers, so the over-whelming positive statistics are lost together with the secret of the individual's pasts.

Perhaps statistics and media hype are an important aspect in the decision by some survivors to keep their past a secret, fearing the eternal 'witch-hunt' or wrong assumptions by friends and colleagues.

The question 'does everyone who is abused become an abuser?', is obviously no. What is important to note though is that some abused children do grow up to continue the cycle of abuse. They are usually the ones who have never really questioned their past or tried to deal with it in the form of a healing process. Just to acknowledge the abuse and the affects it has had is normally enough to prevent the cycle to continue.

Another point of interest stems from the abuse manifesting into other types of abuse. For example, the sexual abuse survivor may have so much anger and rage inside that they direct it in the wrong way or at the wrong person. This in itself constitutes abuse and is often neglected when talking about the cycle of abuse.

Often the cycle can be continued by self abuse. This includes self-harm, negative messages and internal strife.

To answer the question, from a personal point of view, I have never sexually abused a child because I have never had those thoughts. I have never had those thoughts because I have acknowlegded the abuse and the affects it has had on me. I constantly struggled, as we all do, with self abuse of one kind or another, and I have always tried to channel my anger and rage into healthy alternatives i.e. sport, communication and art.

Everyone elses' thoughts would be welcome.

Stay safe

Jamie

ps If anyone has any doubt that they may become an offender they should seek help immediately. Taking responsibility for your own actions and thoughts is the biggest single contribution you can make to the healing process.

pps If you suspect either yourself or someone else of being in an abusive relationship with a child then contact STOP IT NOW immediately.

ouchzone · Experienced Member

There's two sets of statistics aren't there?
1 e.g. 95% of abusive adults were abused as children
2 e.g. 25% of abused children go on to become abusive parents (the study deal with sexual abuse only I think) i.e. 75% don't go on to abuse and 5% of abusive parents were not abused as children.

I used to wonder how people who had not been abused could become good parents because they wouldn't know what things were damaging and avoid doing them.
Being abused and going through other childhood traumas has made me more aware of responsibilies to my own (and children in general) and the awful consequences if things go wrong. I can understand why the cycle continues especially with emotional and psychological abuse. I think my abusive parent was maybe abused by her parent/s too. I find it hard to distinguish between discipline and abuse so I'm not sure about that. But her way of dealing with that pain was totally different from mine. Her behaviour patterns were alien to me and mine.

Whenever I become irritable (from feeling ill) I fear becoming abusive so I stop talking if possible. Also I still feel I must never make any mistakes because the slightest slip up would bring blame and punishment and I couldn't cope with 'deserving' the torture which was wrecking my health. I hadn't realised the extent to which I was self-abusing until recently and your posting. People talk about self harm now, but in terms of physical injuries. I think the stuff like feeling I'm a waste of space with a big burden of debt hanging over me for my existence (I was supposed to be indebted to the abuser) is also a less obvious form of self harm which needs addressing for all survivors.

ouchzone

amanda · Experienced Member

I have always had a big fear that I would be an abuser I lived and still do to some extent with the thought that I will turn out like them. My children know I had a "hard" upbringing but are not and if I can will never be privvy to the extent of abuse I experienced.

I now have to accept that although I never did and never will abuse children that over the years I have turned this into self abuse but as I continue to heal I hope one day to overcome this

Amanda

feemarie · Senior Member

I too have always been terified of abusing when i became a mother. While i was pregnant with my son it was a constant on my mind, i was so scared of what i may become.

My son is 3 years old now and I could no more imagine abusing him than flying to the moon, I think its either in you or its not. My father was/is obviously sick for him to have done what he did and i could never treat my son in a similar way. The statistics are simply that, statistics. They are not always truth in my opinion.

fee

x

HAVOCA · Trustee

"There are lies, damned lies and statistics."

"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies."

"Smoking is one of the world's leading causes of statistics."

bunny · Newbie

I have constant thoughts of what i would do to other. Sometimes i think that it is inevitable that i will. Every day we dont kill hurt other people is a bonus today is a good day

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Bunny,
You sound like you're in a lot of pain - it must have been very difficult for you to write that. I'm glad that you're posting here to talk about things instead.

Sending you good wishes.

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

I knew I didn't have any of the knowledge or assistance I needed to prevent myself from becoming an abuser, so I chose not to have children. Although I feel I could have been a wonderful mother in some ways, I couldn't afford to take the risk that I would take out my anger on my children. Although I mourn the loss of my ability to make a real family for myself, I don't think I was wrong to make that decision.

Years ago, I did take my anger out on my cats - who I loved dearly. When things became too much, and they were doing something that added to my stress, I would do completely inappropriate things - pick them up and throw them across the room, for instance. I've now trained myself to stop doing that, and I never let my behaviour cross over those boundries. Although one cat has passed away (due to natural causes), the other is almost 19 years old, in great health, and we are very bonded. But I'm very aware that it was NOT my right to train myself to control my anger and actions by learning to do this with children. Nor was it right to do it with pets, but I think that pets are a much easier load than children, and I may not have been able to overcome it at all, or too late, if I'd had the responsiblity of another human life. I didn't have either the knowledge of how to raise a child, nor the support or help I needed if I started to behave abusively.

I read a textbook on family abuse, and they pointed out that there were consistent indicators of 'vulnerable' families - those families with a history of abuse in their past, and a high likelihood of repeating the abuse. I don't remember all of the indicators now, but I do remember that some of them were: 1) isolation - lack of social network or contacts, lack of membership in communities 2) poverty, 3) families stresses: financial, health, etc...

So, although many abused children do NOT go on to abuse their own children, there are still risk factors that need to be considered. There are also things that can be put in place to help abuse victims not to offend.

I think, though, that there is a difference between not offending with your own children, and providing good parenting. In my own case, I thought that, even if I could find ways to prevent myself from offending, I didn't have the knowledge to become a good parent.

There was something else that textbook talked about that I found extremely enlightening: the concept of 'immunization factors'. They said that certain things occuring in the life of an abused child did a great deal to mitigate the effect of the abuse. One of those was significant contact with another person the child could learn from and feel safe with. I've talked to people over the years who felt that, despite coming from very unhealthly families, they had enough contact with good people in their childhood (often teachers) that this gave them the foundation they needed to build their lives in healthy ways. So, it seems, one of the best things you can do for your child is to expose them to good people, and experiences, outside their family. I think that, had I realized this years ago, I might have made a different decision about having children.

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

I had asked for help with my depression, and general negative feelings. I went to therapy and said that I had been abused as a child, not really understanding what I meant by that, but needing to make sure that i was listened to, and given the help I needed. It was 4 years later after going on a child protection course for work which listed the different types of abuse, and I could say, that happened to me. That was when I began to realise the unhappy childhood was not my fault.

The point of me saying all that is because I brought up my children not knowing I had been abused myself. There were things that had gone on at home, and I had promised myself that I would not treat my children the same way. I made mistakes and that is normal, but I did not continue the abusive cycle.

bev · Newbie

I think these statistics can be so damaging. They make me feel that if i tell of what has happened to me that friends may not trust me with their children. Once i was around a friends house (there were 6 of us in the room) and somehow the conversation got on to abuse and someone said that they thought that all people that had been abused should be on a register as they obviously were not safe to work with children. everyone seemed to think this was a good idea. This happened at a time when i had not told any of these friends and i felt so aware of 'giving myself away' if i opened my mouth to disagree so i had to leave the room. statistics like these really **** me off

when i first went to counselling one of my reasons for going was so that i didn't do the same thing. i'm not sure if i would have feared this if it wasn't something i'd read about alot, but i am aware that the risk is there if you have been through this yourself and that working through your anger and despair is the way forward to ensure you don't carry on the cycle. i work with children and i think i give alot to the job by way of empathy and think that bad child hood experience along with counselling will help me be a great parent when the time comes! I think it is a great shame if we let these statistics play on our minds too much, but at the same time we need to take responsibility of healing ourselves,
Take good care
Bev

michelle · Senior Member

WE are the exception to the rule.We are not abuseing but I myself am going to agree with the statistics. As I have stated before mine was physical abuse.And I have almost had my moments that I could have went over the edge.I struggled with that for some years. I truly believe physical abuse is a learned behavior. When I said I would agree with the statistics I ment on physical abuse only.

In know way do I have any comprehension of sexual abuse.And from being on this site I see there is a big difference between the two.And I feel in some ways we don't have that many of the same issues in common on how the abuse effected us.

I do not suffer from the hate or anger as a lot of you deal with.

My abuser was my mom she was demented in my eyes.I always thought I was agreat kid all my friends parents told me I was.This may sound conceded but I always thought every one loved me but my mom. It hurt she did not love me but by 16 I realized there was a whole world that loved me in my eyes.And I honestly still believe that to day.And I look at it as why wouldn't people like me I'm avery good and nice person.I myself do not struggle with my own enter peace.

I know I do not share the same pain with the ones who have been sexually abused.I am sorry but sometimes I feel like the out cast on this site.I always thought we all suffered the same.Now I realize you all suffer so much more than I ever could have imagined.

My heart truly goes out to everyone of you.And I hope one day you will find the enter peace you are searching for.

I hope in know way have I offended anyone that was not my intensions at all.

Take care

Michelle

feemarie · Senior Member

hi michelle,

please dont feel like an outcast. everybody feels things differently and although we all have different types of pain and different ways of dealing with things we have all suffered a terrible thing be it physical, emotional sexual any abuse. it is still hard. i think that you cant generalise on something like this because while one person suffers terribly another may cope better regardless of the abuse type. we have all been effected in some way and that is where we can empathise with each other.

you are in my thoughts michelle

take gentle care

fee

x

Brujah81 · Newbie

To be honest this is something that scares me alot, i dont have kids and for the very reason you have stated, concerns about abused becoming abusers. But on the other hand i think that surely an abused person wont abuse as they know the pain and life long suffering that you go through and surely they wouldnt want to inflict that upon another...

I dont know i am in two minds about this but still very concerned.. my two sisters who were also abused have very young babies and i also worry about babysitting them and also worry about my sisters, i have never had any thoughts about abusing anyone but the way the media and such drum it into you about abused abusing is worrying...

Kelly

michelle · Senior Member

Honestly Kelly

You should be concerned with having children.It is a big responsibility for any one abused or not.As I see you have suffered physical abuse as well as sexual.I am speaking on behalf of physical abuse.

When I was being punished it was always a beating.So I call that learned behavior.Thats what you know and you usually handle things by what you know.I am not going to go all into this .I am sure you understand.

My point is when one decides to have children.I think everybody should have parenting classes.Abused or not.It is beneficial to both the parent and child.So one may learn new skills on disiciplineing children.

And there are ways out there to disicipline without touching a child . And yes these methods work.Consistency is the key to all disicipline.

Time out is used a lot in the US.

Chidren just bring on alot of stress especially when there young. If you marry someone who will HELP you with the children.It makes life so much easier.Some men believe women should raise the children with out any help from the man.My words they need to get over it.

So if you do ever decide to have children I highly recommend parenting classes for both mother and father.

Just my thoughts on the issue.

Michelle

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi Michelle

Please never feel an outcast that is not what this site is about. I agree with what you said about learnt behaviour in bringing up my children and I don't think I have made a bad go of it the physical abuse was the hardest thing for me to overcome. I have no learnt good parenting skills but I was taught by an elderly nurse/carer on basic skills and they went a long way. I used time out my children laugh now because they reckon they spent more time in their rooms or sitting on the stairs then anything else but it worked and my daughter has said she will use the same way with her children. My other trick was I would remove the television or hi fi from there rooms at first I used to take the plug off but then I only had to put it back I'm a dab hand at plugs now pity they are all fitted.

Amanda

caren34 · Member

Hi

My personal experince is its either in you are not , both my parents were abused they then went on to abuse us kids ,and even though i thought every kid went thought what we did , i was only 17 when i got pregant , it never crossed my mine that i would abuse my children , i knew i wanted them so i could love some one and some one love me back with out the fear of any kind of abuse.

The only thing is i know only to well how easy it is to abuse myself ,and this in time hopefully stop , with the help of my therpist and anti-depressants

take care

spunk · Veteran Member

Well, I have to say that most of my life has been spent in abusive relationships. I think that it's important to recognize the pattern, even when we repeat it as victims. In my family there was a sadomasochist element to most interactions, and the roles were often traded off. And certainly my siblings and I abused each other physically and emotionally as part of our family roles.

When I became older, I often found myself in abusive relationships with men, and my own behavior, influenced by drug and alcohol abuse was also abusive. I was by no means always the victim, although I always felt victimized. I was abused in every way possible as a child at home, physically, emotionally, sexually. As an adult I continued the pattern, experienced domestic violence, mental cruelty, was date raped, and on and on. I also played a sadistic role, emotionally abusive, in these relationships. I tried to be different, but I always fell back on what I knew.

I think that Jamie's remarks are very much to the point. We tend to re-inact the abuse in a variety of ways that include self-harm, substance abuse, risky behaviors, etc. Also, we can only live the way we know how to live. It is very difficult to find internal well-being, healthy behaviors and relationships, etc., if we have grown up in dysfunctional, abusive environments.

I always hoped for something better, never married, never had children, because I could at least recognize that I was in locked in these unhealthy behaviors. My family history is steeped in abuse, I can trace it back to my greatgrandparents at least. Among my generation in this family, all of my cousins and my siblings (about 11 of us), only two have had children of their own. And those were raised in abusive environments. It's sad, but also reassuring to know that the abuse stops here.

Now, at age 50, I am finally finding a different, better way to live. I can finally say that my life is truly abuse -free. The difference is amazing.

Lisa