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feelings (orginally posted by michelle)
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Original poster: michelle

So many of you write about your feelings you carry inside.I myself do not understand this.When I was living in the physical abuse I cried all the time and felt so alone.But as the years have past I feel nothing know pain or the extreme anger you all talk about.I did feel some anger  when I was in the 9 grade but that was years ago.


My therapist has even had me write a letter to my dead mother who was my abuser no feelings there.My mother pasted away kinda young I do remember feeling a great relief when she died.Really I was happy I thought she got what she deserved DEATH.



I consider myself a very nice and kind person.I can truly feel everyones pain but some how I cannot connect with my own.Truthfully I do not know if I won't to have the anger so many of you talk about.



In know way am I judging any one for there feelings I'm just trying to get a better understanding of how our emotions are.



I have come to learn so much from this website and I am trying to get a better understanding of myself.And maybe one day I also will be able to connect with my own personal feelings like so many of you have.



Thanks for Sharing, :  



  Michelle  



-- Edited by kachariw at 09:56, 2004-09-08

-- Edited by kachariw at 09:57, 2004-09-08

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Sallyjack


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Hi Michelle


I have the same experience as you about feelings.  There was one stage in my life where I could only feel negative feelings, and even those were mild.  Anything good in my life just happened with no good feelings to go with it.  I may not be a good example, but I have realized that I suppressed any good feelings I had because I was such a "bad" person, and did not deserve anything good.  The bad feelings were suppressed because expressing them would lead to punishment.


Since that realization, I have slowly started to feel more, at the moment it is more the negative feelings, but even so they are there.  I am sure there will be a point where your unconcious will feel it is safer to express how you feel, and the feelings will come. 


One thing I have learnt to accept is that I may feel something, but I may not even know what it is.  This is because my feelings were not acknowledged by my parents, and often I was told that I didn't feel "happy", "sad", or "angry", which means I am not able to always identify what it is I am feeling.  When this happens in therapy I have to try explain the physical feelings as a reaction to whatever we were talking about, and then she will try to identify it for me. 


I am certain that you will be able to sort out your feelings, they will emerge in time. 



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hazel


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hi michelle i used  to be pretty numb and thought i didnt feel anything for myself too. i hardly cried and felt generally emotionless for a long time. it took quite alot of digging for me to find the vunerable side of myself and like you i didnt think i wanted too because it doesnt seem all that appealing but i also felt i was only living a half life, like i was seeing the world from inside my little bubble and was never really part of it. thats why i kept digging around inside myself to find what other pepole told me was there, feelings. i thought i wouldn't find anything but i sure did.


and wow what a shock to find that i was real after all, it was both positive and negative. yea i get upset and hurt now and i sure do get angry but these feelings give me a chance to look after myself which is great because no-one can love me like i do. the other upside is the happy feelings, i really feel them now not just echoes of them. im at university now doinng fine art and i wouldnt be able to do it without all of my feelings, good and bad because now i can really create something whereas back then i had nothing to express.


ta for your post, take care Hazelx



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2Qwirky


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Feelings confuse me too.


I dont know what I feel half the time. Its just a shaky stressed ill kind of feeling when I talk about stuff.


I am not sad, and I am not angry. Its just how it was and I got on with it.


However... 10 tonnes of feelings come up at inopertune times. Well they are thoughts that drag me down and lev me feling Bad.


I am trying to fight this bad feling by repeating stuff to myself iver and over. Its not working yet but its the only defense ive got against myself.


"I have always been completely good"


"I am a good person"


"I have a right to be here"


"My feelings are nothing to do with NOW"


its hard work.



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