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Post Info TOPIC: Avoiding Triggers


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Avoiding Triggers
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Hello I’m new here. I’m not very good with people so if I do something wrong please say. I’m still terrified of making the slightest mistake. I think any posts I make are capable of triggering someone, sorry.


 


This site is excellent and so far it’s a place I feel reasonably safe with. There’s several things I need answers to that I cannot supply for myself. Does anyone understand this?


 


One of the big problems for me is that I’ve received the message that it’s bad and cowardly to ‘run away’ so that my perceptions are that this includes avoiding triggers. So this site is safe because great care is taken to protect people from being triggered. People who are cowards are despised and in order to feel less bad I suspect I’m doing the emotional equivalent of self-harm by confronting my deepest pains (but without any therapeutic benefits as I don’t have answers to the worse things so confrontation makes me feel worse). It’s probably like eating nuts to someone with nut allergy. If someone has a physical problem they are not treated as cowards for avoiding sugar, (diabetes) or paint (asthma) etc but it comes across frequently for psychological damage caused by abuse, neglect and past trauma. I get really angry when people say ‘It’s good to talk’, as in ‘always’. Sometimes for me it makes things worse (but never on this site so far). That makes me feel there’s something wrong with me. When I get triggered I more or less stop functioning for variable lengths of time. This is at best inconvenient and at worst terrifying. I feel as if I can no longer carry on. I spend days with zero energy trying to hide how I feel because I’m terrified of people finding out. And there’s no relief if I manage to sleep at all because the nightmares start up again.


 


I was often given messages that I was bad. The shouting and solitary confinement lasted for hours. It was wicked to have feelings. I couldn’t work out how to stop having feelings and the extended punishments made the feelings worse so I thought I must have been born bad. Because the punishments lasted so long I thought I must be very bad. When I said ‘I can’t’ she said ‘there’s no such word as can’t’. I wasn’t told how to achieve things, just punished until I did. There was no mercy and no second chances. I deserved all the mental agony. When I said I would try to do better she said that wasn’t good enough I had to actually do it. When I said I wouldn’t do something wrong again she said ‘yes you will’. My brother enjoyed provoking mental pain and anger. When I said stop (the bullying) he did it all the more and laughed. My mother said I provoked it but I know minding your own business is not provoking behaviour. Two years after I’d been sexually abused by a relative in the extended family she told me that if a woman gets assaulted it’s her fault and that men ‘can’t help it’. I was ten. This was very frightening as it meant I wasn’t safe anywhere. I don’t know whether she realised something had happened or not.


 


When I was ill she either didn’t believe me or did believe me and despised me for being weak. She always made things worse. I still feel ashamed when I get ill or I’m in pain and have the greatest difficulty even telling my GP. I used to get similar treatment for being ill as the punishment for being bad. When I was a teenager I was told I was ill because I was bad and that I was making her ill and she kept threatening me that she would end up in hospital again and not come out this time, as if you can cure people by threats. When I was injured the first thing she always said was ‘don’t cry.’ By the time I was four I had stopped crying. When I was eleven she thought I might have broken my arm. She behaved as if it didn’t matter much. I had to get out of the house away from her as the pain was so bad I was having trouble stopping my eyes running. I was terrified she was going to start shouting at me and I knew that if she did it would make my eyes run even more and she’d never stop shouting and I couldn’t stand the shouting. When I had bad earache she wouldn’t have any more to do with me. My Dad took me to see a doctor. It was my fault when I was hurt or I was being a nuisance and in the way if I was ill. I’ve had the experience so often that if someone intervenes it makes things far worse. And that small things lead to disaster. So whenever I get re traumatised by the triggers I’m terrified people will notice I’m not functioning. And they might try to bully me into talking about why, which will trigger me even more. Some people try to bully others into talking as soon as they find out something is wrong. I’m always wrong and she was always right. So it’s not safe for them to find out when I’ve been triggered. But the effects are so great that it’s hard to hide.


 


Does this sound familiar to anyone?


 


The main questions here are: Is avoiding triggers the same as running away? Is it right or wrong to avoid triggers? Nut allergy v cowardice. Are people right to try to force you to talk about things that are too painful to talk about?


 


Ouchzone



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Experienced Member

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hi ouchzone


Just to let you know I am thinking of you I also am not good at words and sometimes I make mistakes but in the words of my therapist we all make mistakes we are only human not easy to accept when like you I spent many years of always being bad and in the wrong but slowly very slowly I am breaking through that barrier an learning that even when triggered I will not be punished.


You have already found that this is a safe place to be no one will ever force you to talk and you can drop in as and when you want with no one thinking bad of you.


Our abusers for many years instilled into us just how bad we are its not easy to forget this or the punishment we suffererd but with help from those we now feel self with the barriers hopefully will slowly break down.  


As to triggers I still run from them at times I let my alters take over my life I accept that this is something I have done for many years that gave me safety (its not me syndrome) and is difficult for me to overcome but now when I do it I accept its not cowardly but part of me.


I hope this helps if not I am sorry but I am thinking of you 


Take care


Amanda



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Dear Ouchzone,


I'm so glad you've found a safe place here.  I hear and understand what you're saying about being called irresponsible and cowardly if you try to avoid triggers.  I think that it's our job in life to grow, but we don't have to expect the impossible, or even the improbable, and I think that it could even be considered irresponsible for us to put ourselves in harm's way, if there is no benefit to ourselves or others.


I now think about avoiding triggers the same way I felt about driving before my thyroid was diagnosed.  When you have a severe undiagnosed thyroid problem the effect can be similar to being intoxicated - especially your balance and motor skills.   Even though I didn't know what was wrong, I knew that I shouldn't be driving.  I endured years of criticism that I was lazy, or worse, if I didn't participate in car pools, etc...  Eventually, I realized that I would have been criminally responsible if I had got behind the wheel and caused an accident.  I'm glad that I stuck to my guns and didn't drive until I knew I was OK.


Just my opinion here: Most triggers aren't as easy to avoid as driving.  But there is nothing to be gained by facing them just for the sake of facing them, and you could be setting yourself back and doing yourself, and possibly the people around you, more harm than good.  On the other hand, it's important to make sure that you are stretching yourself in ways that truly let you grow and heal, and if you shut yourself away too much you could end up in isolation, which can harm you in other ways.  But even isolation can be necessary at times.


I think that the voice telling you that you have to step unflinching into your triggers sounds like more of the abuse you carry with you from your mother.  People who are genuinely concerned with your well-being might ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with, but only to help you grow and learn, never to hurt you.


I have almost the opposite problem as you.  I was the oldest, so it became my job in life to take the abuse, and to try to protect my younger brothers.  I just learned to step into the abuse and endure it.  I've never learned how to step away.  I'm still working on trying to learn that it IS Ok to step away, and that often it's wiser and more responsible.  I eventually ended up isolating myself, because it was the only way I could step back.  I'm now starting to learn how to carefully engage in my life.  But it's sure not easy.  And no matter what I do, it's still difficult to differentiate the voice of reason from the steady stream of abuse that still plays in my ear from my family.


I really wish you well.  Take good care of yourself.



-- Edited by Growing roots and wings at 04:00, 2004-09-08

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We bequest our children two lasting things. One is roots. The other is wings.


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Hi Ouchzone


Until a year ago I thought that I was immune to being triggered, and could not understand what people were talking about.  I am sure this was because the barrier I had built up in my mind was so strong nothing could get through.  Then I had a reaction to something I read, and I knew I had to stop reading and move away from that page, but fortunately the triggering only produced moderate dissociation.  I haven't been able to work out what does trigger me, but I am able to recognise when it happens. 


I did try to work out if it was better for me to keep with the dissociation when it occurred to see if I could learn anything about what had been the trigger and why.  Nothing came of that, I realised later that the dissociation was actually closing my mind to anything to do with the abuse.  So my tactic now it to try to stop the dissociation taking hold, by "grounding" myself to what is around me.  As this usually occurs in therapy, my therapist knows that to help me she needs to talk to me, and to ask me questions that I have to answer.  Once I am grounded and with my agreement we then talk about what the trigger was, and this can give greater understanding.  If I start to dissociate again, I will again ground myself, and we start discussing it again.  Usually within about 5 to 10 minutes I can start to talk about the trigger with only very mild dissociating.


So in answer to your questions, avoiding triggers is not the same as running away.  The response to a trigger is a protection device that your unconcious has devised to keep you safe in the face of extreme danger.  Knowing your own responses you can assess whether they would be appropriate at that time and place.  So avoiding triggers in public is probably a very good thing, but in therapy knowing the triggers can help in the healing process.  If you are in therapy the therapist would be able to help you with this.  Avoiding triggers is not cowardice, it is a very sensible thing, assessing the outcome of facing up to a trigger and knowing if it would be in your best interest or not.


If something is too painful to talk about then you have the right not to talk about it.  There is a proviso to this, that even if you don't want to talk then please don't try to bury it, and forget it.  To my cost I have found this causes other problems.  I have found that having talked about some of the painful parts of my life they lose some of their controlling power over me.  (I liken it to being scared of spiders, and being able to overcome this fear by frequent controlled contact with them.)   It is necessary to find the right person to talk to, and that may not be a partner, relative or friend.  For me it is a therapist, someone who is totally independant, and does not know any of the people involved.


I hope this helps.


 



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Sallyjack


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hi ouchzone,


i'm really glad that you feel a little safer on this site, it can be hard finding a safe place. from what you've said it seems like you've never really had much nurturing or care. im sure alot of people can relate to some of the things you've talked about and i know i can.


i dont think its cowardly to avoid triggers, we must all do things when we are ready to do them not when someone else thinks we should. there is a difference between challenging ourselves and pushing ourselves into damaging situations. taking time to heal is sensible not cowardly.


i dont think i avoid triggers anymore, though sometimes its hard to tell, i sort of welcome them in a way because they let me know what bits of myself i need to work on next. ive found that the more i heal the less impact triggers have on me and things that would have sent me into a panic a while back have little effect on me now. it just takes time and gentleness.


on the subject of triggering others try not to worry about it, its not your responsability. its good to be aware that what we say might upset someone but if you feel something deeply your not doing anyone any favours by keeping it to yourself (having said that i hope no-one is offended by what i just said) some of the biggest healing experiences ive had is when someone has accidently triggered me.


big hug


Hazel x



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