Helping a survivor

HAVOCA · Trustee

Helping a survivor

jungle · Newbie

I told my wife that I would be there for her in every way. Even if she has to call me at work 15 times a day I will be there to help her get through the day.

My wife suffered multiple forms of abuse as a child and has been in denial for the past 20 years. She recently started talking to me about it. Confronting it has caused her to suffer from depression on some days. On a particularly bad day recently she asked me "Why not go back into denial it was easier that way". What should I tell her??

HAVOCA · Trustee

Hi Jungle

It sounds like you've made an excellent start and are doing exactly the right thing. I'd like to thank you, on behalf of all the survivors in here for being such a caring and supportive Husband.

Denial is easier in the short term - but it leaves so many issues covered up. Issues that fester and grow into bigger problems, like anger into rage, doubt into low self esteem. The list goes on.

Although its hard for her to deal with all these feelings and emotions as they come pouring out, the tidal wave does evetually subside. Prioritising and dealing with each feeling, one at a time is the key. Don't let her feel intimidated or over-whelmed by the sudden rush of feelings.

Reassure her that after so many years in denial - healing won't happen over night. It's a bit like climbing a mountain - a lot of hard work but the view at the top is awesome.

We do help packs for survivors of sexual abuse and also for their Partners, these might help you both. (Help packs - Partners or Survivors)

Once again thanks for your strength and courage to deal with this terrible abuse.

Warm regards

Jamie

lonelyboy · Member

Reply to Jungle (though he only seems to have popped in once).

I knew my wife was abused before we got together. She'd done a lot of 'work' on herself, and it seemed safe to be with a survivor who knew as much about herself and abuse in general.

And I'm committed. We've been together longer than either of us have ever managed in a relationship before. But it's hard, and in many ways gets more and more so. It's hard to be with someone who is hyper-sensitive without trying to walk on eggshells, especially when she's aware of that as well. It's hard to be with someone who, as a result of her abuse, has no interest in sex. It's hard to love my wife. to fancy my wife, and to have her just not interested in me physically, and for her to see any physical contact as a threat.

Damn this could turn into a rant. And I certainly don't want survivors on this site to feel blamed or targetted by what I'm saying - just woke up with a dose of the blues, I guess.

the Boy

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi lonelyboy

Hope I don't cause offence or get thrown off by coming to tis section but I read both your posts and you made me feel nothing but kindness for you to come here and say what you have to show the compassion to your wife that some of us never get although we seek is one of the best things you could have ever done I am glad you feel you can post here because as a survivor I acknowledge we need to look after our partners to move on come here rant if you need too and I will leave and hope I am not in too much trouble

Amanda:smile:

lonelyboy · Member

I hope you don't get thrown off, too.

And I need support from survivors as much as from their partners.

Thanks for your post, and what you said.

Warmth and regards.

the Boy

jane · Experienced Member

ok amanda, if your going to get thrown off for coming on here, then so am i!

just want to say lonely boy, i think what your doing, coming on here is great, you are showing you care, by getting possible further understanding of your wife and for support for you as go through this.

you will certainly get that on here as i and many of us have.

keep posting

jane

(are we in trouble now amanda?)

jane · Experienced Member

sorry jamie, just went back to the main message board and it actually says "stictly for partners"

i only wanted to say hi to lonelyboy

i wont come back

jane

claudine · Moderator

I have to motor in 15 min and you just gotta keep me busy,

That's it! you're otta here!just kidding!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe the idea is the topic not the posters

stay out of trouble you two

c

amanda · Experienced Member

whoops very sorry won't venture forth again

amanda

HAVOCA · Trustee

Anyone can come in here - but the topics should be partner orientated.

Take care

Jamie

lonelyboy · Member

Amanda, Jane.

Glad you're not banned.

Warmth and good regards and well wishes.

the Boy