Physical affection towards children

HAVOCA · Trustee

Physical affection towards children

amanda · Experienced Member

I have looked at this many times Jamie and its difficult to share I have two sons and a daughter all now in ther late teens early twenties and I look at them and think you havn't made such a bad job they are young mature independent individuals who know right from wrong they make my life worth while.

It has not been easy bringing them up I was sure i would make a mistake or some of my many fears would affect them. I lived in fear they would be taken from me. I feel some guilt that they don't know there extended family but I had to make sure they were always save.

They have never been smacked infact they have never been "punished" in the ways punishment means to me. If they did wrong we talked they were never "bad" children I actually don't think there is such a thing.

My biggest worry now is there relationship with others when they were children I think I cacooned them to prevent them experiencing what I did I worry they may lack some of the grounding needed to get on with others I also need to let them go to explore the world outside.

In answer to your question It was hard being a mother as I had learnt no parenting skills I wanted my children to be safe and free but did not know how yes I have made mistakes big ones at times but the love they give me shows it was not all bad.

I do confess that I was so protective of them they were not going to be abused in the ways that I was that I was over protected of them I would not let them out of my sight for a long time and I trusted no one

The children would ask about things when I was a child the did you's etc I changed the subject or ignored them my past remains a mystery to them how do you tell the ones you love just what childhood meant to me they know that for some reason they do not see the extended family and as they mature I dread them pushing me for reasons why

I sit and cry as I am writing this yes I have regrets but no I don't regret having the children I just regret always living with the fear I might hurt them like I was hurt its the old story the abused becomes the abuser and it has taken me a lot not to slip into this and make my childrens lives the best.

Hope this gives others who are pondering with starting families it is hard rearing children is hard but it is even harder if you were abused and have no parenting skills but I say its worth it

love Amanda

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

Having children was a huge decision for me to take. I had been indoctrinated so well in thinking that I was bad I believed that the badness was in my genes. I took the decision not to have my own children but to adopt. I do not regret adopting in anyway, but I know now how wrong I was.

One of the things I have learnt is that by seeking healing and working towards it I have the strength to break the cycle of abuse. To have survived abuse, and not to be caught up in the generation cycle of abusers means I do not have to act the same way to my own children (now grown up with their own children). I made mistakes, as the only role model to work from had been an abusive one, but at the time I did not recognize I had been abused as a child (that came much later). All I knew was that I would not hit my children, I would talk to them and explain, if I realised that I was wrong I would say so and apologize, my husband and I would agree on decisions, and most of all I would protect them from my mother. It was the only time I stood up to her, when she was unreasonable to my children.

My daughter (who was abused herself in her own family of origin) now has two of her own children and she is bringing them up much better than I ever managed, so my poor example has been enough. My grandchildren are confident, and happy.

So my advice if you are still wondering about having your own family is that you will not treat your own children the way you were treated. You will make mistakes, that is unavoidable, but your children will survive those mistakes. The love and care you give your children will be enough, and they will give you great joy.

ellie · Senior Member

I will try and answer this question as best as i can with the awareness that i have at the moment. My children are 12 and 11, I started therapy 10 months ago so i had them before i could accept or wanted to believe what had happened. I thought i was coping ok untill everything started to flood in and i couldn't cope.

With my daughter i have wanted her to voice her opinions, disagree, rant and rave - everything that i was not. However it seems a double edged sword because when she does act like this i have this little voice in my head saying 'how dare she speak like that/behave like that/I would never have acted like that! (Of course I didn't). So i want her to be different from me but sometimes find it difficult to maintain and struggle to keep my reactions consistant.

As my children have become older i am more anxious about being able to protect them. They go to the park, go out on their bikes, visit friends and sleep round friends houses and i feel as though i have less control over what they are doing. I don't want to be over protective but i find myself questioning how much i can trust other people with my children. If they want to sleep over friends i drive myself mad with thoughts like 'what if they are an abuser, how do i know? do i trust them?'

I also feel that i have to be the perfect parent and when i have become angry and shouted at them- because sometimes they have frustrated me beyond belief! I feel guilty and that i should have handled the situation better. I think i'm started to act like my father and then cant get this out of my head. Therapy has helped in this area, i was getting so irritable because i could not cope with how i was feeling or what i was thinking.

On the positive side i wanted to make their childhood fun especially when they were younger. We would do messy, creative and spontaneous things. I wanted to make their childhood different from mine.

I wish i had addressed my abuse before i had children because i am now more aware and i think i would have made a better parent but i obviously was not ready to face up to what happened. I think you will instinctively want to make your childrens childhood different from your own. Most parents would agree that the instinct to love, protect and nurture your child is very powerful and natural. Plus having addressed your abuse isssues enables you to be aware of issues that come up and understand why they are there.

ellie

caren34 · Member

Hi jamie

i have 6 children , i had them but was still in denial untill 2 years ago, but the way my parents were i swore i'd never bring mine up the same

Well i have'nt , i kiss cuddle my children , i compliment them , i love them i protect them, everything in my life is the children, if i'm tired are stressed i NEVER ever take it out on them , i'v never been nasty are evil

The biggest thing is breaking the cycle ,so my children don't go on to abuse

anyway hope this helps and good luck , you can be a good parent if u want

take care

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi All

I wanted to write a reply and say I scared wittless of having children, I would love to have Children but I am so scared.

When I was 14 I did some Child minding 5 days a week through my summer hoildays, when I look back I think what the hell was that mother doing leaving a 2 year old baby in a 14year olds care. but I did enjoy it I would take here to see the ducks and we would feed them we played games. and she was teething and one great thing happened onr afternoon she was so quite and I could see she was in so much pain, and she was sat in here push chair and she put her arms out to me so I got her out of her chair and put her down. then she put her arms out again for me to pick her up, so I did and she cuddled into me and we sat there for an hour or so and I just held her, and she just was quite and held onto me, I was so touvhed by this it was an amazing thing for me.

But other kids scare me. I was once out shopping and I walked into a shop and this young gril about oh don't know how old maybe about 4 or 5 years old, she must have thought she new me she grabbed hold of my hand and wouldn't let go, I freaked I thought Oh my god what if someone thinks I am trying to kidnap her or something I tryed to get away but she had such I tight grip I asked her to let go, and she didn't by this time I was really paniking then she let me go and I exsited the shop so fast, but I felt so stupid maybe she needed help and what did I do but run.

I have babbled on abit know an I am sorry. I am scared that when I have kids I won't be able to protect them and that I would be so paranoid about they safety. So I am not much help but thought I would shear my thoughts. but as I said above in the first bit about the little two year old just cuddling me, I felt when I picked her up the frist time and got her out of the chair I would put her down again as I wanted her to have the choice of what she wanted, I am worried about touching kids I guess cos I feel someone will acuse me of something and also more importantly that I feel they have a right to make that choice, and when the two year old put her arms out to me again I then felt it was ok, for me to pick her up again.

don't know if this is any use!

Frog

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Before I had children I thought that I could be strong enough that my past wouldn’t affect them. I wasn’t going to let abuse and neglect blight their lives. I didn’t realise that there were actually two major things to consider.

1 Will I copy abusive behaviour patterns?

2 Will having children around me cause painful triggers.

There was also a third issue. I felt unhappy about the way my abusive parent treated my children. She didn’t abuse them and for years they didn’t know anything bad about my past. So I became torn between the two generations and it was very difficult for my children who had never witnessed any abuse when they found out that I had been abused by a person they loved.

Right from the start I had difficulties with parenting. I think it may be harder when the abuser (or one of them) is the same gender. I’m very mixed up about gender roles which had strict boundaries for my generation. My Grandfather looked after me when I was a baby and my Dad and adopted Grandfather loved me. My role model was my father which made things very difficult because I’m female. I found it difficult to bond emotionally with my children.

When I felt well I never had any fears about becoming abusive. When I felt ill (physically), which for me happens on and off every day, I was afraid my irritability might affect them badly or that I would say something in the wrong way or become verbally nasty. The fear would stress me out and cause me to feel more ill. I don’t believe feeling ill is a valid excuse for abusing. But the social worker excused my mother’s behaviour on those grounds. As if young people should accept being abused from parents who feel ill or are tired etc (or from people who have learning difficulties). I think I tortured myself every time I felt ill. I also became aware that I couldn’t always look after them the way I had planned. That the unlimited energy of my youth wasn’t there to tap into whenever I needed it. Occasionally as they grew older they needed to talk about things which triggered me badly. It was so important that I didn’t stop functioning that I couldn’t help them. Parents are supposed to be able to tell their children, ‘You can talk to me about anything.’ I knew it wasn’t true for me so I never told them that. But I’ve tried to make it clear that I can’t deal with the subject rather than that the subject is taboo to everybody. I know they are affected by my mental scars and because I’m very withdrawn a lot of the time.

I do get very painful triggers around children, from my own and other people’s. I cannot always cope with this.

It’s been really tough. But I’m glad we went ahead and had a family. They are now teenage/young adults. None have taken to crime or drugs. They work hard and are successful and reasonably happy. They know some of the bad things that have happened to me but there’s things I don’t want them to know. What they do know they don’t understand and that’s good because it means they haven’t been in such painful places. I love to hear them laughing. And they mostly have good relationships with their siblings which is something I find incomprehensible.

I hope we're not putting you off having children. The positive side is brilliant.

ouchzone

maw · Newbie

Hi there HAVOCA, having children is a big responsibilty, also a great joy. they bring moments of laughter, happiness, joy. their first steps, first words, first day at school, first time riding a bike, etc.

They also really change your outlook on life, looking back now, i would have been in loads of trouble, if my first daughter wasnt born, shes 21 now, just finished uni, going into teaching. im so proud.

but the good comes with the bad, the small child grows up. i remember when she was 16-18, i wouldnt go to bed until she was home and safe (sometimes 7am), whereas my wife seemed not bothered. "shes just growing up" i was told.

i found it difficult to "let go." i felt the need to protect her at all times, i was wrong. i gota go through that another 3 times, but ive learnt so much, the next time will be easier. i have 4 kids.

my wife got nothing in her childhood, meaning xmas presents, birthday presents, nice clothes etc. she spoils our kids rotten :) saying "i never had any of that, they arnt going through the same."

if you decide to become a parent, ensure that its a stable enviroment for the child/children. dont just bring a child into the world, for the wrong reasons. im quite sure that you wouldnt, but its a real big desicion.

im just comming out of "denial" and im looking at it this way, dont let your *abuser* ruin the rest of your life, move forward. enjoy your life. dont let him/her win!!!!!!!!!!!!!

michelle · Senior Member

Jamie,

1.Ask yourself what kind of father do you won't to be?

Do you wont to set on the side lines or be a major part of your childs life?

Children establish there bonds in the first 2 and a half yrs of there life.

I have seen to many dads who do not get involved.Men can change diapers,get up in the middle of the night,Baby set while mom goes out.

It takes two to raise a child not just the mother.

I know I am not answering your question right away. I beleive you should ask yourself these questions if you do not wont to participate in staying up all night and exc.

Than NO you should not have children.

Rasing children is hard but the rewards are great.Also take parenting classes a must for any parent. Abused or not.

If you see you are having trouble coping with raising a child.Go back to therapy.There is know shame in that I am always looking to better my parenting skills.

And I consider myself a great parent A-1. I do read a lot a books on raising children.Or ask my therapist who I consider a great parent.

Spend is much time on parenting skills as you have on over coming abuse.

You will do ok.

I hope this was not to harsh.But to many men take parenting lightly.

Just my thoughts Michelle

Ps I have the most affectionate and loving children.boy and girl

maw · Newbie

hi michelle,

i see your points, but your overlooking, certain facts. i never changed my childrens "diapers" (i call them nappies) i also never bathed them. maybe it was because of what happend to me? i duno, but i consider myself a good father.

i have got up in the middle of the night, babysat, comforted them when they hurt themselves, E.T.C.

but i would never change their nappies, bathe them, i done it once, and i felt uncomfortable!!!!!!! its different for men that have been abused.

im always there if they need me!!!!! and i would die for them, all 4 of them!!!!

i have two girls 21 and 9, two boys 14 and 11, they love me as much as i love them.

ps you sound like a perfect mother, your children are lucky to have you.

-- Edited by maw at 02:42, 2004-09-16

michelle · Senior Member

maw

I guess I did over look the facts.My point was so many men won't to have children.But do not won't to be involved after they get here.

It may be totally different in the UK. I am speaking about men in the US.

I had to discipline my children.Even though I had been physically abused.And that was a major step for me.But I was always working on being a better parent.

My son often says he doesn't need my psychology stuff used on him.I guess I tend to go a little over board with it .Also it dosen't help his sister is majoring in Psychology in college. I have defiantly used the books raising my children since I had know parenting skills.And I can say my children have know issues and very high self esteem.I have always been honest and open with my children about everything.

I know I am way off the subject.I just take parenting very serious.

I hope in know way did I offened you.

Michelle

feemarie · Senior Member

Hi

I am a "single mum". my son is nearly 4 and his supposed father has seen him once 4 days after he was born. he then decided not to be involved in his life. i was angry but now i think this was a blessing in disguise. i dont want my son growing up with an unreliable part time dad and i know his"father" would have been very unreliable. I didnt plan to have my son and was terrified before he was born but i wouldnt change a thing, i have raised him so far well and believe myself to be a great mum. he knows i am always there for him and that i love him more than anything in the world. he is a very happy and confident little boy, so different to me as a child which makes me exceptionally happy!!

i dont know if i would have planned to have children as i was always very scared and it seemed like such a big decision. it was taken out of my hands tho and i think thats the best thing that couldve happened. imagine if i had decided not to have children cos i was too scared, i would never have know the wonderfulness of having my son and the love of being a mother.

i have to say tho, i dont agree that children establish there bonds in the first 2 1/2 years of there life. obviously they bond then but they establish bonds aftwer that too. I met my partner when my son was 2 1/2 and my sons bond with him is incredible. also while it is the ideal thing for 2 people to raise a child it is completely possible for a child to be raised by only the mother, or only the father for that matter. obviously some men dont want to be involved after a child is born but i have also known that be the case with mothers, they rush back to work to get away from there child using nannys and childcare as they find it too difficult. I know many many wonderful fathers who cannot do enough for there children. its not all about changing nappies and batheing and late night feeds etc its about being there for them loving them no matter what.

Maw, i understand about feeling uncomfortable changing nappies bathing etc. I used to rush changing my sons nappy to get it over with quickly and now although he is only 4 i have taught him to wash himself in the bath as i feel uncomfortable doing it.

all i can say is that the love you have for your child is unlike anything else and i am glad i got caught out and ended up with my son, the thought of never knowing this is devastating to me now. it really is a personal choice and big decision wether or not to have children but sometimes if its taken out of your hands that can be the best thing in the world too!

gentle care everyone,

fee

x

leckie · Senior Member

hi all

i had three children i brought them up the best i could but it seemed when they got to about 13 years old i seemed to back away from them stoped having physical contact no huging or kissing think it was just my mind as i got told that if you had been abused you grew up to be an abuser that was always in my mind and well it made me back off maybe its just because i am a man i dont know after my x wife adn i split up i met a woman with three girls all teanagers i wanted so mutch to bond with them but i could not touch them and it made me feel so sad and angry because of what my stepfather had done i am suffering like this just wanted to hug them when they were upset or crying but i couldnt sorry i love them all so mutch couldnt even tell them i loved them incase that was rong

i would never abuse anyone but that feer is in my head and will never go away

sorry leckie