Hi Claudine,

I have to think about this a while. But one thing that I know to ask, is what do you think would be good for you? In your own best interrests?

In other words, would you get a positive benefit to yourself confronting them? Or would it hurt you? I hear you weighing that against your impulse. We weigh our rage, our desire to punish, against the people that we want to be, our sense of worthiness.

The anger, I know how to manage, let it out in real-life situations, use it as a tool to keep safe, to hold people accountable for their actions. The urge to punish and to strike back can be converted into a strong defense. Used to validate and support who we are, who we aspire to be.

But what is underneath, giving rise to the rage, I think, is sheer terror. What to do about that?

It's good to know that we aren't alone, that we can stand together and stand up to these people. We need some kind of distance from them and from the experience in order to cope, even if it isn't a physical distance.

Sorry to ramble here, this raises lots of questions within me.

Lisa

That makes alot of sense to me.

I'm going to ramble on some more, if you don't mind. Below, separated out is very triggering, so maybe skip this, if you dont feel comfortable with that.








My mother beat me constantly until I became big enough to fight back and to hurt her. She came after me one day, and I picked up a chair, prepared to beat her back. I told her that if she ever hit me again that I would come into her bedroom at night when she was asleep and kill her. I meant it. I was about 12 years old, maybe 13. She stopped hitting me from that point on. However, my father took over. He would attack me, and my sister at times, beating us, ripping our clothes off, so that he could "spank" us while we were naked. This from about 12-15 when I was removed from my parents home. My father enjoyed the defiance, it gave him the incentive he needed to perform these sexually-based punishments. Rape was a strong sexual fantasy for him. Years later, as an adult, long after all physical abuse had stopped, my father came at me in a rage. I picked up a large knife (we were in a kitchen), very prepared to use it if he laid a hand on me. He backed off immediately.









Always, standing up to them, anger overcoming fear, resulted in more severe beatings, up until I threatened them with death. I wonder about that. Maybe that's the difference in our perspectives, that I had my fill of standing up to them.

But the terror, instilled at such an early age, when I was defensless, is imbedded in me. Somehow I think that I have to deal with that separately. Just being in the same room with my mother traumatizes me today. We are at peace, in a sense. I tried to visit her after years of zero contact, but the backlash was horrible, paranoia, anxiety, loss of control, terror. I can't be around her, even by my own choice, without having this reaction.

I know this is probably very different for you, Claudine, and unique for each of us, depending on our circumstances. I can see how standing up to them might be exactly the right thing to do. All I can think, though, is have a clear idea of how that should play out, keep it within you own control. Hold all the power and use it.

Lisa

-- Edited by spunk at 20:30, 2004-10-21

-- Edited by spunk at 20:32, 2004-10-21

Hi Claudine

I think it is right to THINK the way you do but to act it out may not give the effect you want. Yes it is right that your abuser faces up for what they have done. They should be punished ! but do not go to thier level. I have wanted, since admitting to myself about my abuse, too GET THE B***ARD that did it to me. I cant ...He's dead. I rationalise that he's burning in hell!

 

I know that if I let all my anger out on an abuser I would kill them! Would that not make me an abuser, albiet maybe justifiably. I want to be above them and yes, I want all of them punished but in the right way!

Rise above them an show them wat your made of but, dont let them abuse you again by makin you like them please...

It may not be fair but neither was our torment.

Sorry if I'm talkin cr*p...

Rob

Spunk-o

I hate people

well, the  other people, with the hands and the books!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, that stupid incident upset me alot. just wouldn't admit it until now.

Rob, thanks I understand what you mean. I bottle up too much. We talk about rage 'moments' but would they vanish completely if we directed it all at the abuser? (JUST A THOUGHT) Your not talking c**p. I just wonder why, when I vent my anger, you see it as something I may act on instead of just venting? Do I sound different? Am I straddling that line? I'd really like to know.

c

-- Edited by claudine at 23:05, 2004-10-21

Hi Claudine,

I've been having some unintentional run ins with an abuser (saying that alone makes me cringe). The first time, some months ago now was when i was out drinking with friends and i noticed her stood there right infront of me. I felt a mixture of emotions and thoughts, one of them wanting to confront her, and yet at the same time i just slipped into the crowd and tried to hide because i felt so ashamed. To cut a long story short, i didnt confront her....infact the opposite. Whilst i was walking to the toilets i had to walk past her and thats when she stopped me, asked me how i was etc etc, i just stood their, dumb struck (and i thought ''she cant be for real'') but said ''im fine and you'' and thats when she pulled me towards her as i tried to head in the direction i was going and kissed me on the cheek. I had such a huge emotional backlash from this and its only just recently calming down, but there's a feeling of anger there, that everytime i see her i want to stop and yell and scream at her (only i dont because i find it hard to take in and accept what she did to me as a child was wrong..but that anger is there).

I think in your own way your trying to deal with the anger, coming here and posting about it, the way you feel etc...it gives you somewhere to try and ground some of what you are feeling so that it doesnt grind you down. Anger is good, its healthy in the sense that your directing the anger where it belongs. Venting your anger is good, and although i wish you werent feeling like this...didnt have a reason to feel like this, you've given me food for thought in terms of self care and possibly using such anger as a driving force in that and maybe thats what your doing since the incident in the bar. Just a thought though

Take care for now,

Raindancer

Hi all

what do they say an eye for an eye tooth for a tooth well if I ever confronted them I would kill them that is in my dreams I am so scared they would take me back into hell hole and I wouldn't be able to stop it there powers are greater than me I must never confront

amanda