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Post Info TOPIC: Hi Again.*may trigger**
margaret


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Hi Again.*may trigger**
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Hi everyone,
Firstly thanks to all who got me through and continue to get me through the last few weeks. I have had a flu this week which has left me feeling pretty crap. I just kept crying today just feel so sad for the little girl that was so afraid and had only her teddies to protect her. I cannot really connect with it really but when i see my niece or other children i feel so scared for them.
Anyway i have also been to my counsellor who wants me to go for 'specialised counselling' I'm so scared again and feel a bit let down by the counsellor who i have now established a relationship with. I know that sounds silly but it is so so hard to trust people with this and so hard to keep going and in a way start again.
Sorry for the trigger i cannot write anymore i'm ok though,
Thanks again
Sorry everyone i just donnot know where this came out of and feel really awful for maybe triggering anyone i am considering taking this post off as i really do not want to upset anyone and am so ashamed. Have real fear saying what i remember and have taken out some text don't know how to say things sometimes and am sorry if i have upset anyone Thanks

-- Edited by margaret at 00:15, 2004-10-21

-- Edited by margaret at 00:34, 2004-10-21

-- Edited by margaret at 00:54, 2004-10-21

-- Edited by margaret at 02:08, 2004-10-21

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Lark


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Hi Margaret

I'm sorry you still have the flu. I hope you've got some moisturized tissues and your favourite blanket and being kind to yourself!

It's always scary when we advance in therapy- The anticipation can be more upsetting than the actual sessions! Could you ring your therapist and tell her you are feeling nervous about the specialised counselling and whether she could reassure you and tell you a bit more about it?
I dont think she would be put out by doing that- That's what they are there for after all.

By the way your post is fine by me! I think the more you post the more comfortable you'll be about it.

Lots of cheer
Lark


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margaret


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Dear Lark
thank you for your kind reply. i always get scared after posting as i feel like i'm always asking for help and the old feeling of not deserving help come up so bad. I woke up this morning and was really going to try and delete the post I'm glad i didn't now.
I am going to see my counsellor this morning. it is wierd but i guess the feeling that i am different and need 'specilaist' help really triggers me. My father used to threaten to have me ptu away even at one stage in my life when i was 18 and trying to leave home. So for me feeling 'normal' is really important and not being afraid there is something wrong with me. It has taken so long for me to believe myself and is so important that others believe me but I'm afraid that the threats will come through and i will be deemed 'mad'.
I guess I just am so afriad still of my family finding out I'm seeing a therepist and the consequences that could bring.
God I'm rambling.. Thanks for the support Lark and your kind words.
M x

-- Edited by margaret at 09:25, 2004-10-21

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Raindancer


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Hi Magaret,


Im glad you didnt delete your post because you deserve support just as much as the person standing next to you. I think if i suddenly had to consider leaving a T that i had worked so hard with i'd be feeling the same way. Your T though im sure is only suggesting this in your best interests, it shows he cares and wants only the best for you....something he might not be able to give himself. I hope you can chat with him about this, tell him how you have been feeling since all of this.


Hope the flu has passed now and if not im wishing you a speedy recovery


Take care,


Raindancer



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jane


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margaret,


im sorry this is going to be short, struggling a bit myself, but i want you to know im here anytime for you. you have always been there for me.


please take safe care of you, post what you need, we will listen.


sending hugs (i think i remember youre ok with them)


jane


 


 



-- Edited by jane at 12:30, 2004-10-21

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claudine


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hey mags,


I'm not sure about how the process works where you are. What kind of specialist? Typically in the US you see a psychiatrist for meds and a psychologist or therapist for 'therapy'. Then there are assorted groups you could attend, open, closed, confrontational, or non, and so on. Of course it's still really hard to find the right one. Did you already attend this new session? How did it go?


c



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margaret


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RE: Hi Again.*Will Trigger memories*
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Thank you everyone,
It has been a funny day i am going to this specialised counselling on tuesday living in a country which has only just got used to the idea that sexual abuse occurs in the last two decades we are seriously ill equipped to deal with it and not every therepist feels they have the ability to deal with it. I know it sounds odd but that i'm afraid is the reality. My t told me he is like a family 'doctor' and i need a more consultant approach. I was in with him today and talked about how i feel so that is good....

Now i think i need to share my memory i deleted as it will help me but hopefully doesn't hurt any one elso so please please be careful with your selves with this



MT MT MT
Please be careful of yourself do not want to upset anyone..


I remember being on the floor of my bedrooom and knowing he was coming in i locked the door i was five... my mother banged the door so hard to let her in i was afraid not to before i opened the door i wet myself.. i was so afraid i then opened the door..... I feel so sick talking about this and feel the fear still it is so horrible

I am so so sorry please if this is not approaite the moderators will erase it. it is so hard to write i can't believe i have done this sorry sorry

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claudine


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RE: Hi Again.*may trigger**
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mags,


it's ok to talk about this. you're right, they are behind the times. There's nothing wrong with you except what you have been made to deal with on your own all this time. You need to talk about it. I'm sorry, it sounds so horrifying. you must have been so scared. Talk about it as much as you can here and with your 'specialist'. The info on this site is really good too. Read it over as many times as you need to.


((((mags)))


c



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margaret


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God when i read this it makes me so sick and the horrid feeliings are still here i feel so bad for having to reach out again but i'm really really sad for the girl i was sitting on the floor knowing what was coming... i'm still on that floor or in that bed in many ways. God i thought i was ok a few minutes ago but need a hug now.,
God i'm so sporry i will be sending a positive post soon and know this is feelin g sorry for myself sorry

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claudine


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your ok now mags


(((((((mags))))))


It doesn't feel like it now, but the more you talk about it, the more you learn to deal with the emotions so the impact diminishes.  Treat yourself gently, comfort yourself with warmth, and know we're thinking about you.


c



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margaret


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Thank you claudine,
I am so so blessed to have this site and all you wonderful people i guess now i just feel sad and angry at my mother not least my fahter. My mother laughed at my fear. that is hard to think about.
Anyway i'm ok today Trying to forget it is night time. I know know how night duty suited me so much..
Tahnk you all again x

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margaret


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Good night all hope eryone is ok i have been so so blessed by everyone here. If any one can please think of me i need that. thank you all the most amaziing people i have ever met XXXXXX

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claudine


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hey mags,


so glad you're feeling a bit better. It's normal to feel sad about the past as well as angry and fearful. Maybe you could try to come up with something you really enjoy at night, to look forward to, to try and counter the bad feelings? Just a thought. I have a tough time at night too.


c



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margaret


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Thank you all much better today and going out tonight to stay with my great friend so that will be great to have company thanks all yet again you are brillant x

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amanda


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Hi Margaret


Glad your feeling better you go out and have a good time tonight


There will always be difficult times as you journey but I hope you will continue posting and this helps


amanda



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jane


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hi margaret,


wishing you a really great night, you certainly deserve it.


take care as always


jane



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margaret


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Feeling so alone can't reach any of you my dear friends. have been trying for the night to register but i guess it is me and my bad computer skills!! i don't know but i miss you all so much. in the off chance anyone is still here i would love to hear from them.mx

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