The Pain

Frog · Experienced Member

The Pain

liz · Experienced Member

Dear Frog

'Good on you' I say! I hear so clearly what you are saying - I could have written that. And it really hurts doesn't it. Devastatingly so. Love and security and being wanted and being accepted as we are are all basic human needs. When they're not met it hurts. Big time.

And how can the lack of all these things NOT make an impact. They weren't there for you. Parents are supposed to be there for us.

And you're still looking for what you didn't get then. Oh FRog - I can identify so strongly with all of it. It isn't fair at all. And I guess it's good that you are getting angry about it all. Starting to express the pain and the injustice of it.

i'm grieving for all that wasn't. Probably why i'm so very low just now. I'm still wanting what I needed then. It's such a long process - though all I can see at the moment is a sea of pain.

I haven't any answers and I'm not sure you were looking for any anyway. It sounds like you've had this realisation and though it hurts like hell I think that is a huge step forward. And I think you think so too.

I'm with you all the way on this one. Thanks for sharing it with us.

liz x

Frog · Experienced Member

HI Liz,

Thanks for replying, I am sorry you low right now I know how it hurts, but hey I love you and I am proud of you, just for being you, That was a great reply and your posts and replyies are very good and worth reading.

An you right I wasn't looking for answers, it was a realisation, and everything you said is right, I feel it is a really big thing and it does hurt like hell, but on the other hand I feel I have lifted a wieght from my shoulders.

I wish I could offer you some words of comfort right now but I can't think of anything helpfull to say.

I have my very dear and close friend and I feel I get alot of love and care from him, and that feels very good, he really is a rock for me.

He helped me a couple of years ago, I was extreamly low and he bought me back from the brink and still helping me. I saw him tonight and we were talking about all of this.

I hope you can find someone who will be there for you to. If not I'll be there for you, if you want.

Thanks for you reply it was nice, and although I wish you didn't have to go through this, I am glad I am not alone in this, that sounds so awfull to say that, but I hope you know how I mean it.

Take care, big hugs

Frog

liz · Experienced Member

Dear Frog (or Froggie) as Claudine might say - as she gives us all nicknames! Bless her!

I was touched by your reply. Thnx. It's really hard for me to take on board when people say nice things like that - but gradually over the weeks that I've been coming here I'm slowly allowing myself to receive from others and it does my self esteem the world of good.

It's a good feeling when we have these moments of realisation isn't it? something quite profound and special. And that's a step of healing I think. And for a while it can buoy us up and give us a glimpse of hope maybe.

I experienced a similar thing a few weeks ago when I realised for the first time that the abuse I suffered wasn't my fault. It was the end product of all that had come before (or not happened) in the case of my parents not wanting me, loving me, accepting me. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. Doesn't take away the fact that it happened but it does shift the blame somewhat and that for me was a biggie. It also gave me a breathing space for a few days which I very much needed.

I already gain much support from you Frog. i like your honesty amongst other things. Your sense of humour and your courage.

And i do know what you mean when you talk about being glad that others feel the same way. It helps me certainly to know that others are walking a similar path. Makes me feel less alone and more connected to others. Makes a huge difference.

You're great Frog! Thnx for being there for me too - done any more colourful washing recently?!

(((((((((((Frog))))))))))))))

liz x

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Hi Frog

I'm really glad you were able to express that. But sorry you're in such pain.

Re:

I realise now that alot of my pain comes from the emotinal side of my abuse. My Parents, I am not good at getting angey, or expressing my feeling, as I was always tuaght if I did, it would be major punishmeant.

That's exactly how it was for me. The punishment may have differed but the severity was unjustified. When people mention 'discipline' and 'rules' I still get anxious and angry because I associate these things with ruining health and being justified on the grounds of 'it's the right thing to do so tough'. Also that I'm a bad person because I'm so uncooperative and have 'behaviour problems' (can adults have them too?)

Re:

My Mum used to say to me when I was crying "what makes you so specail"

That really made me wince when I read it. What the hell it must've done to a child coming from her mother. What makes me so b****y angry is that the social workers don't step in over stuff like that but if it was a broken arm they would.

Re:

My who life it's been like I am in a acting role I had to act a certian way agree with everyword from there mouths, pick up the pieces when they fell apart.

Yep that's how it was.

Re:

being bought up catholic your not suppose to blame poeple your suppose to forgive them.

One of my major issues too. But I think they're gradually changing. Certainly working on it from all the feedback they've had about abuse damage it can't be ignored.

I've always wondered what it was like to have a name that's also a word like Mark or Mat and people using it like 'wipe your feet on the mat' or there's a dirty mark on your shirt. Thanks for the opportunity to find out. It feels rather funny! ouch!

Talking of dirt do you know how old people keep themselves clean? (This is an un-PC joke but since I suspect I'm the most ancient one the forum maybe I'll get away with it) Tell you later.

Liz,

I was distressed that you've only recently come to realise it wasn't your fault. That you've taken on a burden most of your life that wasn't yours to carry. Sorry you're not feeling too great at the moment.

My two penneth

To ask parents for anything was 'manipulating' This covered fresh air and exercise needed to relieve the tension and breathing difficulties. It was self centred and selfish to talk about what I had been doing alone (because I'd been robbed of all my friends and nobody else would have anything to do with me). Getting what she wanted was essential. She constantly talked about the wonderful things she had done. Getting anything I wanted however small made me 'spoilt'=bad. Other people were allowed proper food. I thought children were supposed to be fed properly but apparently not. She didn't care that I was going hungry. Indifference to me is harder to cope with than abuse. I was told not to ask for things and to take 'no' for an answer. So I realised that in life I either hurt or I didn't hurt and I was bad. Some choice! I became very independant. That was bad too. I was told I was bad if I didn't ask for things. I tried asking (with great difficulty) was told 'yes' then they didn't do it. Bottom line = whatever I did it was wrong.

Thanks Frog, Liz and everybody for your support. When someone airs a problem it helps others to gain insight for their own. That's a big step towards peace. Big thanks to Jamie for setting up this much needed forum

Answer to what wrinklies use: wait for it, S-OAP

ouch

Frog · Experienced Member

Hi Guys,

Ouch great joke S-OAP, I love it!

Liz Froggie I love that to

I am glad my post has helped you guys alittle, I really enjoyed reading your replies, to hear your take on things realy helps me to.

Will Post again in a bit.

Froggie