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liz


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Posts: 123
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Stop the world.....
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Hi there people


I've just taken the dog for a very wet walk in the woods.  She didn't enjoy it that much and neither did I.  Needs must and all that.  Have a dog and there are  responsibilities attached to the end of the lead - I know all that.  She didn't get a walk yesterday so she really needed one today.  It should have been longer but I just couldn't face that. 


It's miserable, raining, grey out there and pretty much matches my mood.  I've had a cold/cough for the past fortnight which has refused to go away and now I'm taking antibiotics for a secondary infection/ sinusitis.  I just feel totally cr*p. 


We're going away next week (a bit of peace and quiet for you all here) because it's my son's half term week.  Renting a cottage somewhere by the sea.  We didn't get away in the summer because I was helping my husband to clear his parents' home (both now in a nursing home and needing house proceeds to pay for the home)  And though it will be good to get away and spend some time as a family I'm kind of dreading it.  And I don't know what that's all about except I know I'll miss this forum. 


Even when my other half is around I feel lonely.  He isn't one for talking - show me a man who is though the ones here do ok! 


Everything is just really hard work at the moment.  My energy levels are nil really.  No interest in anything much.  Just boring.   


And I guess I'm echoing other people's posts here because I'm just so sick of facing/coping with my past.  It just doesn't go away ever.  If it's not the actual *b*se, then it's the whole thing of not being wanted in the first place, of still wanting this overwhelming need to be met regards this unconditional love stuff, of mourning for all that wasn't ever there. I just can't let go of these needs.  Which is pretty stupid really cos they're not going to get met - they weren't then, and they aren't now.  Why can't I get that into my thick head and learn to accept it? Stupid as well. 


And there are no answers are there?  We can't undo our pasts, can't turn the clock back.  The damage has been done and God it just feels so hopeless. 


Before either Jamie or Claudine come along and get cross with me I'm NOT suicidal.  I have a wonderful son and a daughter (who just happens to have 4 legs and barks), a husband too.  I'm not about to leave them a legacy like that.  And I know I should be grateful for them and I guess I am BUT for all that they don't take away this current/past sense of overwhelming pain. 


I know I haven't exactly cheered your day up with this posting.  I needed to get it out - probably very selfish.  I'm sorry.


liz x:



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Raindancer


Veteran Member

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Liz this isnt selfish, you dont have to pretend here with us that everything is all rosey when its not. The weather yes, its damn miserable....im looking out of my window right now and its the same here, cold, wet, grey (doesnt help with the way we are feeling does it). Sorry to hear your not feeling to great at the moment, but i do hope that your time away with your family gives you that much needed and deserved break. I felt the same the other week (as last week i went abroad) and i can tell you a big part of me did not want to go...but the week went fast and i was suprised at how much i enjoyed myself 'time out'.


Hoping those anti b's kick in soon, no wonder you dont feel so good...seems you have things piling ontop of one another.


Take gentle care,


Raindancer


p.s) my dog is giving me that ''I need a pee pee'' look and im giving him that ''pleaseeeeee dont make me go outside'' look



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claudine


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hey lizzy,


I hope you in a better place today. You're not going to ever get 'kicked off' for talking about your feelings. Alot of what you've said, I said myself.  The worst thing for me when I feel that low, is to be alone. Even if I don't really want to, I force myself to be around others in a fun enviroment. This doesn't always work, but it's a distraction. What kinds of activities will you be able to participate in while you're away?


I'm not very long winded at the moment. 15 hours on a bus knocked me out.


((((liz))))


c



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liz


Experienced Member

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Posts: 123
Date:
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Hi Claudine & Raindancer


Thnx for your replies.  Wish I could say I was feeling better this evening  but I'm not.  I just haven't felt this low in ages.  Almost can't find the words to express where I am.  Though maybe I don't need to - i guess we've all been where I currently am. 


Holiday activities might include  - well will include dog walks  - hopefully along the beach.  I have too say I do love the sea and watching the waves break, the whole continuity thing is kind of comforting and maybe restores my soul - so looks like I'll be spending alot of time there!


It's fun too watching the dog dig in the sand, having the freedom to run along the beach and maybe paddle in the sea - her not me.  , The North Sea is freezing!! Just hope she remembers that she can't drink it - the first year as a puppy she threw up everywhere.  


Walks I guess - there's some lovely countryside around there - North York Moors etc


Reading - if I can find a good book to lose myself in.  Praps ought to try and get to the library tomorrow/Friday.


Games - Board games and the like.  My son and I like playing - Cluedo, monopoly, card games - a good way of chatting with him!


The evenings will have drawn in and we'll probably spend more time inside. 


Maybe once we're on our way and I've done all the packing, ironing, etc then I'll feel more positive.  It will be good to get away and leave the city behind for a week.  Will miss this forum.  That's going to be really hard.  I've come to depend on being able to drop in and be there for others and find support for me.  I know a week isn't forever but even so it will be tough. 


I really could do with crying and just letting myself release some of this pain...


 thnx 4 being there today


liz x  



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