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Post Info TOPIC: Tonight
numb


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Tonight
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Not sure how I feel, probably numb sums up alot of whats going on.  Tonight I know that my sis*** is enjoying all the glory at a family party.  Engaging all her relatives tht she has not seen for many years getting them all seeing this wonderful caring person who lives such a wonderful life on the otherside of the world.


I am sitting here wanting so much not to be here on the boards not wanting to be anywhere wanting to escape all this cr*p  there is so much in my head but I cannot get it out.  I sit in front of this screen wanting to write and nothing comes.


I feel bad for taking and not giving for being so negative all the time. 


Enough of my self pity



 


 



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claudine


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hey numb,


it's not self pity. You feel bad and have good reason! You feel like she's getting away with something, fooling the others while you suffer. Recently I backed out of a family trip because all of my brothers wanted to include a visit to my parents! They still went! I felt awful! It's what made me seek out help and find this site. I couldn't stand the feeling of betrayal! I think that some of them are still feeling guilty and are avoiding talking with me. It also ,made me 'tell' more specifically about the sexual abuse I suffered at his hands. It's never going to be acceptable that some of them will not be able to deal with all of this. It's always going to hurt on some level. I think what I found was that I really need other's like us for support and understanding. I'm not ever going to get that from my family. But It's not going to stop me from looking for help somewhere else. Not anymore. I think that's why your here too. So don't feel bad about talking about your feelings. It's what you need to do! You can give when you're feeling stronger. Everyone here understands that.


c



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leckie


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hi numb


claudine is right in what she says i am sure that i can talk for everyone here that we are amazed at how much of your thoughts and feelings you are sharing with us and it is an honour to listen to you, its not self pitty its your feelings and why shouldn't you get them out its the best way if you can saves it all festering inside of you ready to blow up one day i only wish i had the courage to talk as you have when i need to, and you i feel you are giving into the comunity you have been giving some of us the opertunity to face up to our own feers while reading and replying to your posts my heart is still with you.


take good care tonight numb


>>>>>>@<<<<<<<


 thinking of you john



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numb


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Thank you c


Alot of the pain is unknown as it is only fairly recently I have started to feel - life was so much easier when I didn't feel didn't do emotion.  Now well who knows - i just know that when I felt this bad before I had a major breakdown and the fact that is close to happening again is scaring the hell out of me. I always promised myself I would never get this low again - but it has all happened so quick -first my health issues kicked off alongside the pain of therapy and flbs/memories then this week she puts an appearence into the whole proceedings.


 


Being here and receiving support is hard for me as I don't have people around me who know of my pain and I am not good as asking for help - know that comes from always having to be independant get on ando make the decisions and take the consequences.  Well I cany do that anymore.


I am fighting this need to escape to isolate to cut myself off completly the only place i feel safe  -


thank you


 


 



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Frog


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Hi Numb,


I can't think latlty of what to say,


But I just wanted to say this, it's not self pitty and we are all here for you and we do understand totally, it's ok, your not wrong.


Take care sending lots of hugs


Frog



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claudine


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hey numb,


i know what you mean about wanting to isolate but then, that's something else that doesn't feel so good. It may feel safe for a little while, but it's too lonely. Do you feel safe here? It took me a little while to, but I do now. It's so hard to go through all of this, I know. I'm still doing it too. It'll will ease up after the night is over. If you can concentrate enough, a good book or a movie might help you through. Or, just keep posting and letting us know how your feeling.


c



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jane


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hi numb,


i know tonight is difficult for you and i understand completely. it is so difficult to know that the person that caused you all that pain, is enjoying being with people that should be beside you. i dont have the words to help as this is something i struggle with so much myself. but i want you to know i am here listening when you need it. you are not alone and you dont have to be, come here and talk, we are all with you tonight.


stay safe


jane



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numb


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This morning I promised my gp that i would take some tablets and get some rest - i guess i sleep 2 hrs on a good night at present.  But cant even open the packet sitting drinking coffee (decaf) scared to open the packet how stupid is that.  I know I don't have the courage to take too many but now I am frightened even to take a couple - the other night I did and really they did not help that much.  Gp gave me a warning this morning of where I am heading - didint need to be told and it scares me. This is all such a mess.

-- Edited by claudine at 22:14, 2004-10-15

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leckie


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you cannot make the pain go away that easy numb all you will do is hurt yourself and everyone here that cares for our friend numb you are doing the rite thing now talking i know it seems to you that you are asking for help all the time  but your not all your friends want to be there for you and we want to give you the suport you need to get through this take care numb

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claudine


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numb,


If you don't think you can sleep right now thats okay. It helps to distract yourself from bad thoughts by making a phone call or watching the telly. Get out of your own head for a break. Your Gp probably figured sleeping was another way to get through the night but we all know how hard that is. Don't bottle things up, let it out, tell us about it.


c



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Frog


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Hi Numb,


Been trying to think of something useful to say since I read your post about a half hour ago, and I can't think of anything.


But we are here for you, you know you are right, you know the truth, and we know the truth to.


I know you feel so so despret right know, just try an relax imagine shes not here, imagine shes back aborad.


You are a very specail person, who deserves so much better than the pain you have to suffer right know, but keep going the good and better time is just around the next bend, keep going.


((((((((((((((Numb)))))))))))))))


still here if you need us..........



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numb


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Just read my posting from earlier  cant say three hours sleep has changed much but know another few hours and it will be morning and another night will be over.  Just trying to stay calm and not go into panic again.


Know I keep apologises but I am truly sorry if I offended anyone or triggered you with my posting.  Guess it is a sign that I am beginning to trust my friends here and say how things really are at present.


Going to make hot drink and probably tackle the ironing, crazy or what.


thank you all so much


numb



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amanda


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Hi numb


as always I am with you I hope this morning is a little better trouble is we need sleep to heal but our minds don't understand that please don't be sorry you are with friends


Take Care





amanda



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