Not such a good day

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Not such a good day

liz · Experienced Member

Hey Growing Roots and Wings

I'm sorry to hear that you had to have the cat put down last week. She certainly had had a good innings hadn't she? but I can know something of how it is when a beloved pet is put down. It's tough. A member of the family. A big loss. Have you got some photos of her? Allow yourself to mourn, weep - whatever. 19 years is a long time. Whatever her age losing something that we love is a loss and needs to be worked through.

And sounds like there's grief too for your father. Families! who'd have them I say? Thank God you can choose your friends. Perhaps you can allow yourself to grieve for your father too. I don't know much about you so I don't know whether your father was a good person or not - i don't know whether he was your perpetrator.

And with your husband not being around at the moment that makes it tough too. There is alot happening around now. Have you got some friends around you who can support you and love you and be there for you?

Just know that I'm thinking about you, holding you in my thoughts today.

Try and take good care of yourself though I appreciate that is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

liz x

claudine · Moderator

I'm so sorry GRAW. Losing a pet is akin to losing a child. They are dependant and love you unconditionally. I've had cat's for as long as I can remember. Like them better than people most of the time. They're comforting. It sounds lik eyou gave your kitty a good long life. Alot of them are not so lucky. You might feel like this is rushing it, but why not go to a shelter and save an unlucky one? It would certainly keep you occupied! I know I didn't want to when I lost mine, but when I got there, I changed my mind very quickly.

c

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Thanks so much Liz and Claudine.

This morning was really tough - I automatically reached for the cat food to fill up her dish, called out "Good-bye" when I was leaving, etc... I feel a little better tonight - I talked about her with some people at work. And I'm getting smarter, I only talked about it with people I know I can trust. I was reminded how many good people I work with - there were so many people who gave me sympathy and support - even the people who don't have pets.

I can't work up the courage to get another cat yet, and I want to wait for my husband to get back first, so I went out today and got a goldfish. I've got the fishbowl setup, and the bubbler going, and he seems really happy. It's so nice to be able to make someone happy.

Liz, my father wasn't my perpetrator, but he was definitely part of the problem. My mother was my abuser, but my father abused my youngest brother (physical and emotional). When I broke off contact with my family, I broke off contact with my father in support of my brother, not for anything he'd done to me. Now I regret having done that, but it's too late now to do anything about it. The minister at the church where he is buried recommended I not try to contact my family, even recommended that I take my husband's name instead of keeping my family name. I don't even know where to begin mourning that.

When my cat started taking ill I remember saying to myself "Not this weekend, please god, not this weekend." But the vet that we took her to was fabulous, amazing, and my husband and I held her right up to the end, so she would know she was loved. In a way, it kind of helped teach us that we can show love and commitment through anything, and that the most important thing is to let the people you love know that.

My husband put away her bed, and her toys, so that I wouldn't be reminded. But I've taken them out again - it makes me feel better - reminds me that she's gone but not forgotten.

I'm sure that sounds very strange to those people who don't have pets, but I think those of you with pets will understand what I'm talking about.

liz · Experienced Member

Dear GRAW

I wonder how you are today? I really felt for you when you said you reached for the cat food.... one day without her isn't going to change the daily habit of 19 years. And I'm kind of glad you've brought out her things again. I know where your husband was coming from in not wanting you to be hurt in continuing to see them but as you say it's a kind of reminder that she isn't forgotten. Part of the grieving process. I'm glad too that you were there for her at the end. The one last thing you could do for her as well as being a 'good' thing for you too.

I guess in time another moggy will come and live with you - and you'll know when the time is right. Meanwhile it made me smile that you've bought a goldfish - its' something about the need to care for something living isn't? the need to nurture and love. I guess you can love a goldfish! I hope he/she brings pleasure.

GRAW I love your quote about bequesting our children with 2 lasting things - one is roots and the other is wings. I find it quite poignant. This 'letting go' business is life long I guess. My son is 12. ACtually you know that cos of your posting to me about Scouts! so I won't repeat myself. I think he knows he's well loved - unconditionally, and I hope I can always be big and brave enough to let him go places and have experiences that will be of benefit and fun. And ultimately when he leaves home.....

Sounds like you have alot of mourning to do regarding your family situation. Are you receiving support through therapy? That can be a good, safe place to allow yourself to face stuff.

I hope it won't be long before your husband is home again. Meanwhile I'm thinking about you.

liz x

amanda · Experienced Member

Hello Growing root and wings

Just to say I am sorry about your cat 19 years is a long time but from your posts I know you wouldn't want her to suffer I have a goldfish its called wanda (the film buffs will know why) she is quite funny she knows when its feed time she will never take your cats place but I hope time heals your loss

Thinking of you

Amanda