Non existent sex life MAY TRIGGER

liz · Experienced Member

Non existent sex life MAY TRIGGER

rob · Veteran Member

Hi

You sound as if this is something you would like to resolve. I feel the very fact that you have raised this issue in a way says this. I am able to relate to how you are. My partner and I, having both come from abuse have been also at this place following disclosure. Have you tried sensate focus? We are going through this and I must say it is slowly working for us. Why not try?

Do'nt hate yourself. Your partner is still with you even though your relationship does not feel perfect. Whose is? Talk through this, work together and see if you can both discover a new life.

I wish you and your partner all the best. I think this was a real brave posting!!

Rob

claudine · Moderator

hey liz,

you posted a challenge for sure. I'm in a similar boat. Having great difficulty with flashbacks during, but havn't said anything. How do you broach that topic? Especially since you're not being honest so first you have to deal with that. Really difficult situation. I go for very long periods without any physical contact whatsoever. I'm not being very helpful, sorry. I certainly understand how painful it is. I guess the hardest time is when you realize that you don't want to do it just for him anymore. Then you have to make a decision. Maybe it gets better when you do that. What do you think?

c

Lark · Senior Member

Hi Liz

Looking back I'm not really sure how my partner and I got to where we are today. I dont think it was any one thing.

I had a LOT of therapy but most of all I had to stop feeling bad about neglecting that area of our lives- that was hard! AND believe him when he said it was Okay by him to take things slow. That was so important!

I dont know how or when it happened but sometime in those first years while my partner was reassuring me I
suddenly discovered that I no longer associate what we do with what happened. They are so seperate and it is such a relief. It took quite a lot of effort though.

Dont give up, just by facing the problem you've taken some important steps!
Lark

liz · Experienced Member

Hi Rob, Claudine and Lark

thanks for replying to my post. A day on and i wonder whether I said too much. It felt right at the time but equally i'm rubbish at keeping my self safe. So though it may have been a brave thing to do Rob, i'm not so sure it was the most sensible!

However, I guess deep down that I wouldn't have posted if I didn't want to find a way forward. Maybe, it just means more work with my therapist in processing the sexual abuse. for me that feels like I need to remember it all and somehow find a way to say what actually happened so that maybe I can work through this awful sense of shame.

I've started to write some of the worst/most intimate bits down. Steve, my therapist has read them but I know for me that I need to be able to actually talk about it all with himbecause that's what I couldn't do back then. Shame is tangled up in it all. And guilt, and just the horror of it all.

I don't know what approach to take with hubby. Having said on the post that I go through the motions so to speak makes me feel dead ashamed. Honest but ashamed. I don't want to hurt him though can see that I'm doing just that even though I think he's unaware of it all.

Thanks for replying though - wasn't sure whether it was acceptable to say what I did. I'll keep you posted on any progress.......

liz x

claudine · Moderator

Oh, suuure, get me to fess up and then back peddle! Nice!

!!!! KIDDING !!!!

Squirmy subject, don't feel funny

c

-- Edited by claudine at 00:05, 2004-10-10

claudine · Moderator

hey lizster!

i'm not angry!! sorry I joke too much sometimes. really! please don't avoid posting, it's about exploring feelings,I'm sorry i made you feel that way!!!i'm a jerk! i'msorry!!

amanda · Experienced Member

Liz excellent post and well done for taking the step to start it cannot really comment here as my sex life has been non existent for years because I'm too scared ashamed whatever to let anyone close enough you know the four minute mile well I could run it in a minute if anyone came near.

Claudine don't ever change this is you and your joking is part of you. Your no jerk and take it I know plenty of them when topics like this come up the sheer sensitive nature of them makes our prickles rise but for me they make me think they reassure me I am not alone and they let me know I am no freak

All take care

Amanda

rob · Veteran Member

Hi everyone

Liz, you keep on posting! I will bet everyone on this site is having probs with this one! I will state I am! The difficulty is as it is such a sensitive subject, no one will talk about it. I am willing to bet that this line starts off debate. Someone had to be first and people will follow. Some will be honest, some will lie, some will shy away! None of us are wrong in this.

It is so difficult for anyone to discuss regarding this, even those "norms" (APOLOGIES) out there do! Please no-one take offense-WE ARE NORMAL, just different! I just did not know what word to use for non-abuse people in the world.

This is a good posting but very, very difficult!

Rob

jem · Veteran Member

Liz as ever you have started an excellent post.

My story is a bit different. I was abused by my uncle, whom I suspect was homosexual but was trapped in a marriage with two children at the time.

I had wondered at the age of 13/14 whether I might be "gay" but didnt really have the chance to explore, as that b****** took the decision out of my hands. I never really re explored it as later on in life I find I have terrifying flashbacks. I dislike being in the company of men, except ones I really know, and hate public places shared by men ie:changing rooms, toilets etc.

I have had a good sex life in previous heterosexual relationships. Non exisistant in this marriage though.

I was truly robbed of my decision.

I can really feel for you all though, because I know how it feels to be in a situation, that triggers, but is so important in relationships.

Good post Liz.

Stay safe everyone

Jem

liz · Experienced Member

Hi people

Thanks for your posts on this one and your encouragement too. There is much I still want to say but feel afraid that the content will act as a trigger for people. And. my embarrassment gets in the way too....

However, I'll try and just say to you all - please take care and stay safe.

It isn't just the physical act of sex which I can't handle but also all the sensory parts too. They just all take me back to the past. Even if my husband is just having fun on his own I find that difficult. Even if I play no part in the proceedings. It freaks me out.

I can't say anymore. I'm sorry.

lizx

liz · Experienced Member

Hi there people

It's me again. No-one's posted on here since my last post.

Can't say i blame you - it isn't the easiest thing to do. But I want to find a way to move on and moving on can only happens if I talk about it..... Actually I think I'll take the whole subject back to T and let you know how I get on there.

liz x

numb · Veteran Member

Liz

You have taken a big step posting and I rreally respect your courage in tacking a subject that most of us probably stuggle with this. The fact you had no replies to your last post is I believe there are so many emotions around this subject. Please carryon posting you are such an encouragement to us all and it helps when one person steps out of the comfort zone.

The whole subject of sex makes me shudder, a mixture of past and present situations I guess. but I know that the past has played a huge part in this side of my marriage that I am ashamed in many ways to acknowledge how much. For me things have moved on and I don't believe there is any going back. But I truly hope that you will be able to work through this for you and your relationship.

Yes take it back to t but keep on encouraging us to face up to these issues.

Numb x

rob · Veteran Member

Hi Liz, Hi everyone

Just for support Liz, look at the number of replies and VIEWS! Does that not tell you this topic has created interest. Way to go!

Keep safe!!!!

Rob

Sue · Veteran Member

Hi Liz,

Never feel embarrassed to write about sex. it is part of our life. I always felt that I make love to the person who loves me and I love. The differentiation helped me to enjoy life. When i got sure that my husband does not love me amongst other things I decided to leave him. Now he is just a room mate. That should have been posted as Gossip for the special section right? I just hope you keep posting and tell us of the newest news. Take care and we are always here.

Sue

liz · Experienced Member

Hi people

I'm not going to give up on this posting. I know it takes us outside the 'comfort zone' but how else can healing happen? for any of us? Ok so this might not be the right place for you - and that's fine, or the timing isn't right for you to talk about this stuff now but I need to explore some of this and it's darned lonely on my own!

I saw my T today and mentioned that I'd found this amazing forum and some wonderful people too. We started to talk about when I was a teenager and at that time I was called Elizabeth and him just mentioning that name triggered stuff. I was back there amidst all the horror and fear and pain and shame.....

Part of my problem is that it has always mattered what people think of me becasue that's where I've got my self esteem from. Wrong but true. And therefore it matters to me what my T thinks about me. We spent some time exploring all of this and iI managed to say to him that that I'm afraid that he will judge me, judge what happened to me and find me a waste of space and time. He has kind of reassured me that he won't judge me, or what happened and i'm apparently not a waste of either of those commodities.

He isn't embarrassed talking about sex. And all of that kind of helps. I feel kind of reassured that he will be there for me. with all my embarrassment and shame at what she did or more correctly at what she was made to do.

I'm afraid that what I say here will trigger others.

But even mentioning words such as wank, breasts, come, f***, can't even say the p word - what you guys have and we haven't. Hate it, the word and the object. But i have to be able to talk about such things if I want to find healing. For me I know I have to go back to those times and talk it out. And maybe more than once. Until I can look my therapist in the face as I tell him about the details of my abuse. I see that as the only way forward to taking away the power of it all.

But I struggle - writing those words down was hard enough.

And that's all I can say for now. And it matters too what you all think of me......

liz x:

amanda · Experienced Member

Liz

you want to know what we all think of you well I cannot speak for others but I have said it before and I will say it again to me you are a brave kind compassionate person who I have found a great deal of support in I have gained from the strengths you give out both when posting and when replying to posts

I don't think anyone will disagree with this we are here for you like you are here for us

Take care

amanda

jane · Experienced Member

liz,

im not sure i am capable of posting in this topic, but i want to say that you need never worry about what we think, i for one think you are an amazing person, you are kind and compasionate, even when you are hurting, you have the time for others and that is something i have found personally. if this is something you are facing and want to talk about, go ahead and discuss it. the topic title will warn anyone off that is not ready to deal with it.

as has been shown and already mentioned, the amount of interest in the post shows that it is something we are all interested in, it is a direct link to our histories and you are brave enough to start the topic i think many others actually want to talk about. maybe one day i will be just as brave and put my own feelings out there, but for now, keep talking, we are here with you.

stay safe.

jane

liz · Experienced Member

Dear Jane and Amanda

Hope you don't mind the joint posting.

Thank you so much for your encouragement, your support, your care and your love.

Means more than you will probably ever know. I am struggling at the moment. But now that my T is back and new stuff was triggered during today's session I know that the only way forward is by facing my past and that means all things sexual.

I ummed and aahed alot before I first posted on this subject because nothing had gone before and therefore was it the right thing to be doing? and for all the embarrassment that I feel I just know that I have to face it. It's part of my healing process - a big part - as I guess it probably is too for those who have also been sexually abused. How can it not be?

To receive validation from you is just so important to me. To be heard makes so much difference. I don't feel as alone anymore. The trauma remains to be processed but in being able to share a bit and say those words - well kind of - didn't exactly spell them out did I? but it was a start.

Watch this space......

liz x

claudine · Moderator

********may Trigger***********

ok well, not permitting myself to make any cracks! It's a self defense thing sometimes. This is a really hard topic for me. The first adult male body I saw naked was my father's. It wasn't an accident.

ok that's all I can say for now.

c

claudine · Moderator

well, it seems just posting that upset the hell outta me. maybe I'm not ready to do this.

c

numb · Veteran Member

((((((c))))))

are you ok - im here listening and caring if you need to talk. The least I can do after the love and support I have received over the past week.

I keep avoiding the posting but also drawn to it. A couragous step for Liz to post but it is certainly a topic than many of us have issues with and stuggle with facing.

Know I comment.

Take gentle care

Numb

Lark · Senior Member

I just realised I lied in my last post!
Well, I didnt really! It seems when I start talking about something I immediately move to the positives and talk about those and then later I'll remember that well it's not actually that great at all and I'll think.....'oh yeah, that thing' and 'oh I forgot that thing' and all these things just keep popping up. It's funny that some stuff is so buried that I actually forget until hours after I've been asked about it.
I dont think I'll write about mine just yet except to say that there are some acts that I feel are violent even though there is no reason to feel that way. No rational reason anyway.
Keep posting everyone
Lark

liz · Experienced Member

Hi there People

I said I'd keep returning to this posting and each step of hard fought progress seems to me to be worth sharing. Can't remember totally what I've said in previous postings so if I'm repeating myself then I'm sorry.

All along I've felt that for me I need to go back to the actual abuse and talk it through, unpack it - the physical side along with my thoughts and feelings. It has never been enough for me just to say 'I was sexually abused'. All those years ago there was no-one to tell and all that happened I now need to share - if you like for my T to act as a witness to those grim times. He wasn't there then but he can be there now.

But as an adult my embarrassment and shame get in the way and I've found it nigh on impossible to get past this stumbling block - until today that is. And i'm not saying I've cracked it yet but feel that what happened today is working someway toward this.

I decided to have a brain storming session. Large sheet of paper and a pen. And TOGETHER we alternately came up with words connected to sexual parts of the body and sex. (slang words - whatever). I'm not saying it was easy and eye contact on my part was nil BUT together we filled that sheet of paper. Seeing those words on paper was powerful stuff and at the same time seeing them in black and white slightly reduced their impact.

I'm not finished there yet. I still have this need for my teen-age self to talk about the horror and pain and all that but with the help of this 'prompt sheet' I think she has a better chance of sharing that intolerable burden.

My T commented on the session saying it was a brave thing for me to have done - and I kind of agree with him. Brave and powerful and a step further on.

liz x