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Post Info TOPIC: Oh well...Here goes!*may trigger*
rob


Veteran Member

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Posts: 44
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Oh well...Here goes!*may trigger*
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Hi, It is so hard doing this...


HiI'm Rob...I used to be a newbie!


For most of my early childhood, I remember good times. My parents worked hard and we were a happy family (I've got the photos-B+W). When I was 9-10yrs old, a life changing trauma  happened and my family descended into despair, choas etc. All I knew was that my sister needed special attention (I am aware of circumstances now but not fully-HORRIFIC!). It was school holidays and I needed to be cared for during this time. Relatives and friends supported us the best they could. It was during this time an elderly retired aquaintance of the family offered help. For a time , My mother would take me to him and pick me up at lunchtime. I cannot even write the rest! I knew I was not the only one as he took me to another place one day, their was another boy there. At least that day I was safe!


I wanted to tell but everything was so upside down, I chose to live the abuse and deny it happened. Eventually, things settled. I never saw the man again and never have. I know this denial affected me. My adolesence was disturbed. I found it difficult to relate on an emotional level to those who showed care and early "love" but abusive relationships, I could cope with. I eventually married into a physically and emotionally abusive life. I accepted it. I thought this was only what I deserved. It faltered after 12yrs! I began a new life but still had difficulty relating at an emotional level.


There is so much ANGER inside me!!! I wanted to be with the man who abused me now! AS AN ADULT!!!! I will show him! However, I know now that I would be a bully. I would physically abuse him! He's got to be dead now. I rationalise that he was a coward , a snivelling little man who was pathetic.


I have had professional help. Yes, it did me good but, it has'nt cured the prob. I never told anyone this, not even my family know, about 4yrs ago, I began a new relationship to a wonderful person. She saw straight through my deception because she also has been there. It seems happy for me now but the anger, the emotional difficulties and confusion about why and who I really am without "the mask" still haunts me. I am on the journey and finding things not easy but I have to go on!


Thanks for reading this and sorry for goin on for so long.


Rob 



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jane


Experienced Member

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Posts: 116
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rob,


never apologse for putting your feelings out there on this board. i wish i was brave enough. all the posting i do and i still dont "tell" i think you are a very brave, strong person, no matter what your own self belief is, you have shown yourself to be just that.


im so sorry you had to live through and live with those events. i think denial is a big part in all our lives, but we are here now, getting heard, giving and if we let ourselves, taking support.


i sometimes wish i had the anger, apparently i should get it so im able to move on, but that is so difficult as there was violence in my life as well and i fear anger. to be honest i fear myself, i am too much like him.


i also struggle with who i really am and it frightens me that i wont like who i am under the happy confident helpful persona i put out. i want to stop this again, but i have promised myself i wont give in this time, i along with you and others i am going to stay on this journey and hopefully we can help each other along the way.


just know one thing, you are not alone in this we are here and listening.


take care, stay safe


jane


by the way, well done on getting to veteran!



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ellie


Senior Member

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Posts: 53
Date:
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Hi rob,


I cant put into words or explain very well how i feel for you and what you are trying to deal with.  The very thought of being taken to your abuser and having to keep all that inside must be so painful.  Of course your angry and rightly so, i can even feel angry for you.  I have had one fleeting moment of feeling angry at my abuser, i was driving when i saw a man who looked like my father.  I had to  take a second look because i felt compelled to drive straight into him.  It scares me to think i could even think that or react so quickly.


Your parents probably thought this person was trustworthy and their attention and enery was all focused on your sister.  There was no way out for  you, you had no choice.  How could you have possibly said anything when all this turmoil was going on in your family.  You were a child needing support and he was a b*****d (actually like your description better).


As jane has said i think you are very brave to post and it has made me think about how i might be able to share some things in future posts.  By the way excellant job on finding a special partner to spend your life with.


Take care and thinking of you


ellie



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claudine


Moderator

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Posts: 185
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Hey Rob!


Bravo!


Listen, 9-10 year olds don't really understand about choice. Don't blame yourself for 'choosing' to live the abuse. What kind of choices do children have when faced with such horrendous things? Did you really believe you had one? Did you even know how to begin to ask for help? Of course not! None of us had a choice. No one would choose this, no one. Children's logic and reason don't work the same as adults. That was used against you.


I understand the anger, I think everyone here does. I was consumed by it for years. I don't know what has changed. It's still there, maybe I've just pushed it so far down that I'm left with only the depression now. It's not an improvement. I really think it's better to be angry and try to express it. Like crying.


I'm so glad you felt you could post!


c



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Lark


Senior Member

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Posts: 88
Date:
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Hi Rob
It sounds like you are going through so much and I think you are so brave and everybody here is so brave. There is just so much emotion! It seems if we arent angry we're sad or confused or ashamed or just disappointed. I wish I had more holidays from my feelings. It would be fantastic if we had the ability to just turn them off whenever we felt like it!
It will get better.....
Lark


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rob


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 44
Date:
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Thanks Jane, Ellie, Claudine and Lark


I really appreciated your replies. It felt that I had broken through a barrier after recent days. I have felt really UP! The anger (expressed verbally) though is still with me. It is like a pressure cooker, steaming away but under control most of the time. Occasionally, HISS! and someone gets scalded! usually, it's those close to me (mis-directed!!!!). I must learn how to diffuse the anger but that's where I'm struggling. Any ideas anyone? I've tried directing it through physical excertion by exercising etc but, that does not seem too work


Still tryin!


By the way Claudine... Posted an evil Guess the movie but you may be confused!!! (I could'nt resist).


Thanks again to you all...


Rob.


 


 



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