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HAVOCA Home -> HAVOCA Message Board -> New forum: http://www.havoca.org/resources/forum -> PSE READ: opinions v support
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ouchzone


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PSE READ: opinions v support
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I’m finding the blaming very draining. I didn’t understand before when someone asked me if I was afraid of getting angry reactions when I was only bothered about triggering others. Now I understand.


 


Suppose for me what it boils down to is that there are times when I just need support not opinions. But people don’t always say what I need to hear. Anybody understand this? So I’m becoming even more afraid to talk and progress to the bad stuff I need answers to. Think somebody will get real mad with me. Couldn’t cope with that over the really bad stuff. Where I came from I was the only one that didn’t matter and didn’t have anybody to share my life with. Nothing I said counted. Can’t cope with attacking mentality.



ouch



-- Edited by HAVOCA at 09:46, 2004-10-06

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HAVOCA


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RE: opinions v support
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Hi Ouch


It's a great post and a very good topic.  Some people do want other people's opinions as well as their suport.  Others are just looking for support.  Conversely, people who offer support sometimes include their opinion.


You shouldn't be afraid to listened to other people's opinions, but that's easy for me to say, I understand that it's not easy for you to do.  Just because someone writes their opinion, it doesn't make it the law .


Perhaps you could start each topic with FOR SUPPORT ONLY.  that way people would know you just need encouragement rather than their opinion on the matter.


Other people's thoughts would be appreciated, Ouch has made a good point - perhaps we need a new section for 'support and encouragement' only.  What do we all think?


Regards


Jamie


 



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Raindancer


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Hi Ouchzone.


I dont have anything to add to what Jamie has suggested, would you be able to say in your posts what you where looking for (support/opinions)?


Jamie i dont have an preferences on this, only that i think it might be more empowering for whoever is posting to say ''I only need support right now please''....so that we can learn without fear that its alright to ask for our needs to be met. Just my two pennies worth



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HAVOCA


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Good point Raindancer.




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margaret


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I really agree with Ouch. I think if i am vunerable and get opinions that don't sit well with me it can affect me grately. I think that Jamie has a great idea. I also would have found it nearly impossible to ask for support and this site is helping me do that but I'm still afraid at times to post. (My issues I know!)
Anyway think it is a really important topic.
Margaret

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spunk


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This post raises alot of important issues. I dont see anything wrong with using headings that say "support wanted" or "opinions wanted", etc. I do think that it's difficult to limit responses, though. If I offer a suggestion to someone or offer my opinion, I intend it as support. I do think that it's very healthy for people to be able to say "This is what I need". I would certainly respect any post where a person was able to say that specifically, and would try to be responsive to that.

However, there is a danger in telling people, "This is what I want to hear", because behind it can be the implication that if you don't say what that person wants to hear, you have failed them in some way, or made them angry. etc. I have seen lots of people stay stuck where they are, not able to move forward, because they never see past their own pain, aren't even able to listen to the possibility of change.

We can learn and grow by listening to other people, whether we agree with them or not, or even whether or not their intentions are to be helpful or to be critical. The world is full of all kinds of people. I think that there is room for a wide range of ideas and behaviors within the rules of positive discussion and support. The more we learn to take care of ourselves within this diversity, the better off we are in the long run.

I also think that this is a balancing act, in the sense that we have a right to expect others to respect our needs, as we clearly state them.

How's that for waffling? ;)

Lisa

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HAVOCA


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Lisa, Not waffle at all! Very good point.


Everyone,


There is obviously a very fine balance between receiveing the support you need and the support you think you need.


I still think if people have issues then they should simply put 'For Support Only' in the header or at the beginning of the text.  Those with opinions should either leave well alone or start a thread of their own.  That's a good comprimise between helping the individual and supporting the group.


Good work everyone! Phew!


Jamie


 



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