'scuse me leckie but,

HELL NO!

Not in my lifetime

c

Forgiveness is a topic I wanted to talk about too. I was taught many years ago that I would not be forgiven if I didn't forgive. That I would be bad for not forgiving and that sinners must be forgiven. At ten I was convinced I would go to hell because it was bad to have feelings (I felt angry because they showed obvious enjoyment when I was hurting) and I didn't know how to stop emotions happening no matter how much I was punished. So I wouldn't be forgiven either and hell would follow etc. I've just read that not forgiving makes you ill.

How can I forgive somebody who never said sorry? How can I forgive someone who enjoys hurting me? The main abuser told so many lies and broke so many promises that even if she had ever apologised I couldn't rely on things becoming safe. I don't think she deserved forgiveness because I got the maximum punishment and zero tolerance treatment. When I didn't do anything wrong even though she provoked me, she invented things and blamed me for what she did and my brother did too. She blamed me for remembering bad stuff she'd done when I was trying to sort it out with her properly. I didn't know how to selectively forget things. Forgiveness involves reconcilliation ie letting the person close to you. That would put me in danger. That would cause injury not an improvement in health. I wonder who writes these forgiveness heals articles?

 +

ouch

Better late than never

I was told by two seperate therapists I would not move on unless I forgave them

I will never never never never!!!!!!!! forgive those B******D's how can I but I honestly believe I am moving on even if it is slowly

I thank the section in Ritual Abuse that says we dobn't have to forgive

Take care

Amanda

Here's a copy of a post I did a little while ago:

Forgiveness has two meanings.  If you look it up in a dictionary it breaks down as;
 
1) to cease to feel resentment against an offender
2) to give up claim to requital from an offender; to grant relief from payment
 
These two meanings have two clear paths in the healing process.  One is to give up your anger and no longer hold the abuser accountable for the abuse or blame them in any way.  The second is that you no longer try to get some kind of compensation from the abuser.  You give up trying to gain financial compensation, a statement of guilt, an apology, respect, love, understanding - anything.  Separating these two aspects makes it clearer to see what is necessary in order to fully heal from childhood abuse.
 
So forgiveness of the first type is not an essential part of the process, although the latter element needs careful consideration.  This part of forgiveness is more like acceptance.  You've accepted that the abuse damaged you and you've accepted you can make a difference and change the way things have been.  You now have to accept the way things are and move on down the healing route.  There isn't a mad rush to do this, it's just another leg to your journey.
 
Some people struggle with this especially when they remain so angry.  The anger and the forgiveness aren't incompatible, none of this pardons or excuses the abuser in any way.
 
The other type of forgiveness that is essential in my mind is self-forgiveness.  You need to forgive yourself for having needed, for being small.  You must forgive yourself for coping in the only way you knew how.  As one woman said in 'The Courage To Heal': I've had to forgive my genitals for responding, I've had to forgive myself for not being able to second guess my Father and avoid the abuse'.
 
You have to forgive yourself for the limitations you've lived with as an adult.  You must forgive yourself for the time you need now to heal, and you must forgive yourself, as generously as you can, all your compassion and understanding, so you can direct your attention and energy toward your own healing.  This forgiveness is what's essential.
 
Don't forgive your abusers, never forgive them - always hold them accountable for their actions.  Hate them.  But, you have to forgive yourself.
 
Stay safe
 
Jamie