Where should I go?

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

Where should I go?

claudine · Moderator

Hey SallyJ,

I can understand to a certain extent. I don't remember everything and at times it really is beyond frustrating. I've started asking some family members if they can tell me some things from the past and have had some shocking flashbacks. Other times, just hearing a story makes me understand my response to something now. But bringing up the past abuse has started causing all kinds of problems and issues within myself and my family members. Ultimately, I feel strongly that this will benefit me, but I know I will lose people along the way and it's going to be really difficult and painful. I detatch myself alot also but it usually comes back at me with a vengance. Putting off the emotional response, whether or not you can help it, won't make it go away. I wish it did. I associated with my abuser long after, trying to pretend everything was 'normal'. I wanted that so badly. But it just isn't so and it never will be. I'm constantly unsure of myself, but I do know that what he did was wrong. And I do know he will never acknowledge it or think of me before himself, ever. I'm trying to get to a place where I can live in the present and look to a future and I'm not there yet. But I think it's an attainable goal. And maybe along the way I can help some one else.

I guess the best thing to do is keep it open. Don't bury it. Gt away from the people who are unhealthy for you and find people who can help. I didn't believe they were out there for a long time but I'm beginning to find that I've been wrong.

c

segelov · Experienced Member

Dear Sallyjack

You could be me. I look at my abuse from a distance most of the time, but for me it is definitely a necessity, as other wise I could not cope with the rest of my life. I know that I have to sort it all out one day, but that day is not here yet.

My sexual abuser thankfully dissappeared from my life when my mother abandoned me. But as I always had a huge desire to be part of a close family, I attempted to reform my relationship with my mother after I left care and married, this relationship was never very satisfactory, as my mother saw her children as means to various ends, to getting things done, to assuaging her guilt through what she might wish to do with her grandchildren, but she never learned about not promising anything to children unless you had the means and or desire to fulfill such promises. I finally realised that my mother had not changed and that she still hated me when my second stepfather died - and I have not seen, or spoken to her since the mid 1990s, out of the seven of us in the UK she is in contact with only two of us.

I still have huge memory gaps, when I fisrt started acknowledging my abused childhood, I only acknowledged the sexual part, other people would say when describing my childhood how bad it was - maybe we are all conditioned to believe that what we went through was "normal". I do believe that we need to keep it there in the open, I do believe that to bury it is not good for us, however if there is any reason that it might interfere with others, say like ones children we need to keep a lid on it until there is a safeer time.

Hope this makes some sense???

Sue · Veteran Member

Hi,

have you ever thought about Hypnosis?

Sue

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

Thanks for your replies

Claudine - talking to family members has helped confirm in my own mind that something was wrong, but it did not give me any more information. My father has blocked it out himself, as he was also abused by my mother. and though he was not totally innocent himself he does regret his part. The trouble is I'm not sure how much he was involved, because I don't remember. As for trying to bury it all, again this is difficult. My unconcious has buried it, including the emotions, my concious wants to dig it out but for some reason the unconcious is not allowing it to happen.

Segelov - I like you would not allow my mother to treat my children the way she treated me. It was so hard to stand up to her but thank goodness I did. The possible sexual and ritual abuse that occurred is something I do not want to believe in, but my therapist advises that it is a possibility from what I say, and to be aware that it may have happened. Not remembering anything of this makes the possibility difficult to understand. I don't want to make memories, so that they match the possibilities.

Sue - As I have just written, I am aware that I might make memories, and I don't want that to happen. So I am wary about hypnosis, to me it seems on the surface a very good idea, but I have reservations. Will a fertile imagination give me a false memory, also if I am not remembering anyway am I ready. Is it possible that my unconcious knows I am not ready to remember yet.

It is all so frustrating.