I hate me and just feel so angry

liz · Experienced Member

I hate me and just feel so angry

jem · Veteran Member

Dear Liz,

I'm glad you posted that last night because I can tell you its exactly how I feel at the moment.

I absolutely detest myself, I am in aa position where I have to take care of people and staff and its very hard work, yet when it comes to myself I can barely accept anything from anyone.

I dont do self harm ie cutting, I once took an overdose but survived.

My problem is I disclosed about 2 1/2 years ago, went to crown court and he was jailed for 6 months. Everyone expected me to close the door on it then, but I can't.

My wife stood by me and really helped me through all the pain. We had been seperated at the time of my disclosure.

I came back home to try and work things out after she knew about my abuse. But I feel I need to be on my own again. To be able to deal with my abuse, my newly diagnosed manic depression, and just being me. But I know I will be letting her and my children down.

Once again I am trapped and dont know which way to turn.

AND I HATE MY SELF FOR FEELING ALL THESE FEELINGS.

So I really know what you are going through Liz, Hang in there and see what a new day brings.

Take care.

Jem

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Re self harm. You're reading my thoughts. Plus I know my husband gets very upset about it. It's not a subject he copes with. Though I have been having thoughts like I ought to do it again recently. But I haven't. Not good for children having a self harming parent.

Only this morning I was trying to work out why I feel so ashamed every time I feel ill (woke up feeling sick) but don't feel that way about others. I was brought up to believe it was shameful to be weak I suppose and felt fallen out with by my Mum when I had measles, earache whatever. She always used to say proudly, 'I don't give in to it' 'cos she was ill. Doing the tough act. Making us pretend we didn't suffer because she was ill. I never used to want anyone to know even when I just had a cold. It made me feel so ashamed. But she'd exaggerate and tell everyone I had flu so I looked a right wimp. So it was never safe for anyone to know when I was ill. I still try to hide it now. Just after we were married when my husband said 'I don't feel well I've got a cold' I couldn't understand it that he'd told me. He didn't seemed the slightest bit embarrassed. I couldn't get my head round that one. When i was fourteen I was diagnosed with depression. Nobody knew what was going on at home. My Mum was really angry. She said I should be grateful she wasn't going to throw me out. She knew I was too bad to eat. I'd sit at the table in front of diiner and not do anything. I couldn't focus for more than a few seconds. She had to keep reminding me to eat. Then I'd put in one mouthful and forget again 'till she said it again. During that time my brother asked me a question. He rarely spoke to me except to bully. It took me a while to realise he'd spoken - to me- remember what he'd said- get a meaning from the words - work out a suitable reply, just working on that and she flew into a rage and said, 'don't take it out on H he's never done anything to hurt you.' Big lie. I got called so many names and she let him that I thought I didn't deserve a proper name like other people.

I suppose what it amounts to is that the incoming treatment was bad but the demands to be perfect meant outgoing behaviour was the opposite. Plus how you behave is good but how others treated you is bad. Since it happened when you were young and believed other older people knew better you belived the messages and it stuck. But inside you're a good person and treat others right. They taught us to feel bad about themselves. My Mum even went so far as to say depression meant I was taking it out on myself therefore bad inside. So having done what she taught me to do I was then bad for doing it! She was terrified of being blamed. Abusers can only continue if they get away with it. In order to get away with it they have to blame others. Usually the victim. Victims end up carrying their burdens.

When I think of self harming I sometimes use the 'Do as you would be done by' rules. So I'd never do to others what I did to myself. Never want others to live with the scars. Regret my husband had to live with my scars. Should be kind to myself as well as others. Difficult but it works.

I find bloo tack or plasticene helps for anger. Or a walk.

Don't know if that's any help to you.

Please be kind to yourself,

ouch

amanda · Experienced Member

Hello Liz

Hoping today may be a little easier

You have every right to be angry but please for me let your anger out here don't self harm yourself for us who already do it is a huge hurdle to jump as ouch says use an alternative I hold an ice cube tightly it gives me great release another thing I use is to snap an elastic band on the wrist they don't always work but even if it is only sometimes it is an improvement.

Another way I have recently found thanks to this forum is to throw stones into the sea I actually find this a great relaxer especially when the sea is rough. Someone else suggested supporting a football team and shouting at the screen I havn't tried that one yet.

You are not a hypercrite many of us are able to show others compassion but have none for ourselves I think that this comes from our past.No one will think bad of you and if they did they wouldn't stay on this forum for long (this is from a person who has real problems around self doubt but people here have taught me) so please express your anger here it is safe and no one will ever think bad of you.

I personally cannot forgive myself for what I done and hate myself I hate people showing me any feelings because I am unworthy of their compassion

I hope this is not too waffle I did know what I was trying to say to you but it look wrong written down

Keep posting and take care

Amanda

suzy · Newbie

Hi

I can't believe others feel the same way as me. I have worked in the caring industry for 10 years in different roles and soon as i need to care for myself i clam up, i feel that i am not worth to be cared for and the fact that i hate myself i fail to do things myself. I can't look into mirrors as i hate wot i see back. I can't even go to hairdressers as i don't feel worthy enough for someone to cut my hair. I do self abuse when the feeling of such self hate gets to much. It feels good for a while then i hate myself more for doing it. i no it is not the answer.

Im new to the site and its making me realise that the things i do and feel are what others are experiencing. I hopfully one day will be able to tell my frioends and family what im going through and i think everyone that has spoken out and shared their secret are the most bravest people i no. I wish i just had the strenght to do so to

claudine · Moderator

Hey everyone,

I think that compassion for others it actually related to understanding your own suffering so, maybe, in a way, it's an attempt to acknowledge the pain you bear? Does that make any sense?

suzy, posting alone is brave. I havn't told any friends about my abusive past and have only recently started to try and confront some of my family. Whatever you do, ultimately, you have to help you. Maybe 10 years of helping others can help show you the way. I think we try to prove our 'worth' by helping others and yet still refuse to believe we have any. Keep fighting.

c