Oh boy, do I ever understand about the mask, and the concrete block.

Funny how when I wear the mask my stomache hurts all the time. But the further I get in my career, the less safe it feels taking off the mask. So now I have to have the mask on whenever I step out the door. I've ended up becoming isolated, because it's just too much effort to keep the mask on. Plus, part of me feels like I'm just too old to want to do that anymore. I used to be able to go out, socialize with a lot of people, have fun. But the more I became aware of my past, the more that conversations around me feel so trivial. I feel that, if I can't speak the truth, I don't want to talk at all.

Sometimes I listen to the inane chatter that goes on around me, and I want to just scream. All the political posturing and preening - what a waste of human potential.

I work for a national bank, so the mask has to be on pretty tight to stay afloat (that's a horrible mixed metaphor, but what the heck!). Plus, I work in a male dominated area, so I need to always be on guard. Luckily for me, my past role as guardian of my younger siblings means that I never shy away from a challenge or a fight - it's usually when I come into my own - and I have an advantage because so many people underestimate me, expect me to crumble. Instead, I stand up tall, put my shoulders back, and dig in my heels. Every time it happens I can remember when my father (who was 6' 3", 220 lbs) hit me across the head like he'd hit a full grown man (I was 9 or 10). I could see it coming, like it was in slow motion. It was one of those 'aha' moments. I can distinctly remember telling myself, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to show any fear, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. And I didn't. I'm not sure, but I think that's when this particular mask I'm wearing now was born.

Although it didn't stop the abuse, it certainly slowed down the physical abuse. I think that's why I became such a pariah in my family - they hated that I stood up for myself.

The other mask I try to wear, but never seem to get right, is the 'good girl'. You know, the one who always smiles and never, ever talks back, who always nods and says "Yes, of course", or "How high"?

But now I live my life like everything is dangerous, everything is a potential fight. Sometimes I can't concentrate at work, just longing for something that feels real, or moral, or good.

I'm sorry if I've depressed everyone - it isn't always this bad. Just now I'm procrastinating writing my Performance review (writing 12 pages of forms bragging about what a great employee I am is inherently traumatic for an abuse survivor). On top of it, my new boss (after a re-org) is very much like my mother. 6 people have quit so far - you'd think the company would do something, I think he has friends in high places. But that obviously isn't going to happen, so it's time to put on my mask and my armour and try my hand at political posturing.

I really apologize to anyone I've depressed here - thanks for letting me rant. I wasn't aware of how much anger is in there. I guess I've figured out why my stomach hurts...

J.

Thanks for this one Jane

Quote - Growing Roots and Wings: "I feel that, if I can't speak the truth, I don't want to talk at all."
That's what I did at home. I practically stopped talking. Then got told I was bad inside because I didn't. But if I said the truth she shut me up again. I hate it at work (or anywhere else) when people do that greeting. 'How are you?' 'cos I find it so damn hard to lie but I say 'fine' only I'm not. I've taken to 'surviving' and a huge grin, it kinda deals with the hurdle every time a new person pos into view, without lying. I know I'm supposed to say the same or finish the answer with 'How are you?' but I know there's the slight possibility of being triggered if they tell me they are not OK (for specific reasons that I know I ought to empathise with but instead get angry with people for because of my own history of neglect and exclusion).

Quote - Jane: "then in the morning there will be the mummy mask, that's a happy face again"
I wish my mother had put on a happy face. I got the whole lot, threats of baliffs taking away all we owned, her being constantly miserable (and telling everybody how cheerful she was and making fun of miserable people), disapproving, discouraging  saying bad things were going to happen. And the stuff which now triggers me big time so I stop functioning all together. It's too much to burden a seven year-old with. Too much for a teenager. Too much. One day when I was maybe 7 or 8 she said to my Dad she was going to pay the paper bill and in case she didn't come back he needed to know that X had paid her bill but she hadn't written it down yet and X didn't have a receipt. I said 'what do you mean not coming back it's only 5 minutes down the road'. She said 'well anything could happen'. The way she said it and because she had spent lengthy spells in a mental hospital I thought she was planning to chuck herself in front of one of the lorries that thundered down the main road we lived on. I saw her go and went all cold. I wondered why my Dad didn't stop her but I supposed he couldn't pin her down for ever. I had already spent months thinking she was dead and sometimes not knowing whether she was alive or dead when I was 5 & 6. Those ten minutes were pure hell. When she came back I was very very angry with her for putting me through such torture. But she never knew anything of what she'd done.

When I was nine my brother came home from school one day and said he was too ashamed to walk to school with me because I looked so miserable. She turned on me angrily and said, 'You mustn't look unhappy. People will think I'm a bad mother.' At the time I was so weak from long term hunger I kept trying to stand up straight but couldn't. I was in constant physical pain (which I was afraid to tell her about) her problems and rejection of me and my brother's bullying were making me very depressed. I had recently been separated from my friends yet again and decided not to make any more friendships because being torn from them so many times had caught up with me. It was less painful not to have friends to be ripped away from.

So there's two sides to the mask. I think it is very importort for other people's welfare, particularly children in our care that we wear it. But it is a very difficult thing to do. That's why I think forums like this are so important. I don't think anybody needs to apologise for ranting here.

I'm also aware of being on the receiving end of my GP's mask. I suspect he has poor health. But he's a brilliant doctor - the best I've ever had. I'm enormously grateful that he keeps his mask in place and I think he is very strong to do that.

Also sometimes I find that when I don't want to get up and go to work that once I put on my mask and act cheerful I actually feel better myself even though I know I'm living a lie.

I walk past building sites and it says something like this is a hard-hat area and I think my mask is like that. I put it on like protective clothing only I'm protecting others as well as me. Tough but necessary.

 

Quote  - Growing Roots and Wings: "hit me across the head like he'd hit a full grown man (I was 9 or 10). I could see it coming, like it was in slow motion. It was one of those 'aha' moments. I can distinctly remember telling myself, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to show any fear, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. And I didn't."
I was getting emotional/psychological abuse from my mother. I wouldn't answer back or show distress of any kind. I tried to wipe my face clean of any expression. So she had no excuses to blame and punish me. The result was that she went to greater and greater lengths to get some response which would satisfy her and started dragging my Dad into it too. I think bullying people is like an addiction. They know it's damaging but they keep getting worse. And the victim's mask becomes reinforced concrete.

Hope you haven't been offended by my post. I feel torn apart again. But I'm glad you took off the mask here and I do care about you all hurting like this.

ouch

Once again Jane you hit the nail on the head.

Does anyone remember Pink Floyds album "the wall?"

I equate that album to how I felt for 20 years, so rather than put a mask on I built a wall around myself to protect me and my "secret."

The wall got so high that no one could get through and I was acting my life out. Nobody knew the real me because they couldnt get past the wall.

The wall was my coping mechanism. It hid me, protected me, made me feel safe.

But when I realised if I took my life, then my Son would be in as much danger as I had been all those years ago, but no one would be able to protect him.

So I told my secret and my wall came crashing down.

I was so frightened all my coping mechanisms had gone, I was alone with my secret.

It was a case of stop the world I wanna get off!

So rather than masks Jane I had my wall, though I have got masks now funnily enough.

 

i realise that we are different with different people, for example, when at home with partners and kids i am different from the person i am at work and you are right that this is universal.

the masks i wear however, are on top of the ones mentined above, so its extra multi faceted. i feel low, but my children dont need to see this, they need safety, security and a happy place to be when at home. im not happy at the moment, but they need protecting, why should they also suffer from something thathappened long before thay arrived.

at work the extra masking is required, who wants to look at my miserable face every day! recently though i am finding that the mask is slipping and im finding the effort to keep it in place so tiring.

i seriously need some time out away from the masks, they are hurting me, they're too tight. noone gets it, they expect the mask to stay in place, its in place for them, not me.

just saying this is hard, i realise how stuck with them i am, im alone under these masks and it is swallowing me, who am i?

Jane

Re: 'the masks i wear however, are on top of the ones mentined above, so its extra multi faceted. i feel low, but my children dont need to see this, they need safety, security and a happy place to be when at home. im not happy at the moment, but they need protecting, why should they also suffer from something thathappened long before thay arrived.'

You're so strong to do that and I think it is so important to do it too. I never want my children or husband to get hurt because of my past. That's why this forum is so helpful. We can take our masks off here. I wouldn't want our children to be the adults of tomorrow seeking help on the net. So it puts us folk with children right in the middle doesn't it? Juggling responsibilities to others with our neediness.

Thinking of you,

ouch