CRYING

segelov · Experienced Member

CRYING

LittleDragon · Member

oh lordy.... its like listening to myself think! i cannot let myself go.... its like the scariest floodgates of them all, i physically choke suff down to avoid the explosion, and i know it means the explosion will be ten times bigger when it happens.....

ouchzone · Experienced Member

That's what my first memories of abuse are about. I cried because I found that she had been lying to me. I wanted her to love me but she didn't. She used to fly into a rage and say I was "making a scene". I'd get solitary confinement for hours. She pretended I didn't exist. The shaming was unbearable. When I fell over the first thing she said was "Don't cry" I fell over while running on a gravel path when I was four. I sat there quietly while she washed gravel out of both knees. I was so proud of myself that I never cried even though it was agony.

I'm terrified of getting 'caught short' and crying. I can't cope with other people crying sometimes (It depends why they are crying - when I can't care but know I ought to). It triggers me. I get distressed (angry) when people encourage crying because it triggers me (selfish I know). When I used to get PMT I was tearful for no apparent reason. When I was a teenager I was terrified of this happening when she was about. I would have died of shame. When I was eleven I knocked myself out. When I came round I couldn't move one arm and the pain was very bad. I couldn't stop my eyes dribbling a bit. I had to get out of the house and wander round in the freezing cold because I was so afraid of her shouting. I knew if she went into the "STOP IT, STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT" loop I'd flood instead of shutting up and she'd never stop shouting and she'd rage and I'd be in disgrace for a long time and she was already ashamed of me.

In theory I'm anti crying but when I listen to music my eyes run and it's wonderful to peel onions and not get blamed!

Torn right apart by this one.

ouch

Raindancer · Veteran Member

There's two sides of this coin for me. I find it sooooo hard to cry for myself, but have and do cry on other peoples behalf (strange i know) but i suppose its a start...and at least on those rare times im able to 'release' some tears.

Raindancer

amanda · Experienced Member

cannot cry crying is a weakness cannot show I am weak, weak people get punished

This is what I was taught this is what I struggle with today I try not to believe it but it is so hard

This was the one way I let my children down I could not cope when they cried I did not know how to respond

I still don't know how to cope with this emotion the fear is too great

Amanda

leckie · Senior Member

hi segelov

no your not the only one it took me untill i was 44 to be able to cry ye that was just a few months ago as it was beeten into me by my stepfather (my abuser i hate that word stepfather ) and he told me that boys don't cry and if i didn't stop crying he would kill me i soon learnt not to cry no matter what happened ( i could only cry inside) but when i evetually did cry with jill by my side i couldn't stop and i still do when i feel afraid and lonley it did make me feel better getting it out, because no one had ever seen me cry before it was like i was feeling and doing a new emotion it felt good.

everyone has to cry some times the sooner the better

take care

john x

michelle · Senior Member

I do not cry for myself I just can't.My therapist has been trying to get me to cry for over 3yrs I don't believe it is possible.I just don't worry about it I do not believe it is a big issue.

I can cry for everyone else sad movies you name it I can cry.But not for me.

Michelle

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Can't cry, spend all my will and energy fighting it - end up looking the same as when I've had an anaphylatic reaction (serious allergic reaction) - face all red and swollen - can't see my eyes, barely recognizable. Certainly not very attractive!

The only time I shed tears (I don't think it's really crying, not sure how to describe it), is when I'm so angry that I can't contain it, but am not in a position to express the anger. It must be so confusing to be viewing it from the 'outside'. I imagine it looks ludicrous: tears rolling down my face, but me going on trying to 'calmly but emphatically' make my point.

I had a friend in high school who could cry at will - big theatrical perfect tears rolling down her face - makeup perfectly untouched. She got out of so many speeding tickets that way. It always made me suspicious that she could do that so easily.

liz · Experienced Member

Hi

I don't do tears either. Though maybe I'm making progress albeit slowly. There is so much unexpressed pain 40+ years. I feel I want to , tight ache in my throat, but have become so used to swallowing my tears back that I feel I've forgotten physically how to allow myself to let go. I need to be able to cry - how else to release all this pain. But so afraid of no-one being there if I did ever let go, and yet desperately afraid of other people seeing my total vulnerability. Catch 22.

It's kind of reassuring to know I'm not alone on this one. I don't know what the answer is except that maybe in time when I'm ready and feel safe enough the tears and sobbing may happen......