sorry i feel like i am going back the way now and i shouldn't be as i know i have come this far in dealing with my abuse from my stepfather before i met jill my x partner i lied to people about a lot of things having bad health to stop people getting to close to me and me getting close to them iwas so afraid of letting anyone into my life, i couldn't cope with that then i never had to talk about my past, i also told people that my mum was dead (but she wan't ) she and the rest of the familly just reminded me of what happened and at that time i was not ready to deal with it e was the one and the only person in the world that could help me but i couldn't tell her i had to let her know through dreams and find out for herself that way and yes she was so supportive i knew i had chosen the rite person to fall in love with but it was still to hard to let her in tottaly as much as i wanted it to hapen, when i was being abused by my step father after he had finished with me i went to bed and cuddled into my teddy i caled it jane it soon became that she was my only releas and comfort i always cuforted her and told her it was ok she was good and i was bad even through getting battered black and blue and broken bones she was allways there as the years went on she became my twin in my head but she was the good part of me and i was the bad part that was left ill day that he tried to throw me out of a window because i would not do as he wanted but at the time i had jane in my hands so when he put me out of the window and held me upside down jane fell i wanted her back but couldn't get her so i let him do what he wanted in the morning i went to find jane but she was torn apart she was dead to me but i seamed to die then to i was just left with the bad bit and the good had all gone so to me jane did become reall so jill thought i had a twin that had died in a way i did it took years for jill to find things out i had become so withdrawn and depressed but i could not see this jill did she tried to get me help but i refused as i was not ready to face the past at that time jill never understood that and that it would only all come out wheacebut the fact that i had been lying to her was making me worse but she eventually found them all out wich i needed her to do i wanted her to know everything but couldn't tell her i was ashamed about lying to her but we split up 8 months ago because she could not cope anymore over this time she found out about all the lies the abuse and eveything else i was even strong enough to tell her of the lies myself thats when i knew it was over i was on the way to the top my whole mind and body felt dierrant and i can even talk about my abuse now with some amount of eas but i have just found out that jill has bean telling everybody what i had done not about the abuse but only the lies even so called friends that i used to have in the hotel we worked in so now they all hate me for what i have done but they dont know why they just think i am alier and was really crule to jill but am not i never ment to hurt her i love her but she should never have told them my mental health was between us now i am starting to feel ashamed and angry agian maybe i am just all bad inside i thought i was doing ok but i feel like dieing again already tried 6 times only the thought of jill kept me safe but i'm scared it want stop it if i try again i don't want to go back the way sorry

leckie