start (read with care i may anger you)

jane · Experienced Member

start (read with care i may anger you)

ellie · Senior Member

Jane,

I am feeling so emotional writing this response and i wanted to get it down as quick as possible because everything you have written sounds as though it could have come from my own thinking.

You are not a bad, warped or wrong- please, please dont think that. I have couselling but still think im quite early on in this healing buisness and it seems such a slow process. i went into therapy because i was being triggered at work (i work with children) was being haunted by my memories and couldnt sleep.

I still cannot express my anger about my dad and a lot of the time i dont even feel angry at him. I feel angry towards my mum because she should have got us out sooner and done something. Its too scary to be angry with my dad because i still fear him even though i havnt heard from him for 12 years. On the odd occassion i have felt angry towards my dad its because i remember things he did to my brother- but the feeling soon dissapears because i think i will lose control like him.

I dont know if im helping, but just so you know that i feel the same and i think its normal to feel like this right at the beginning especially when you have had to suppress your feelings for so long. You will find a lot of support here, so please continue to write.

You need to give yourself time, this isnt a quick process and it takes so much effort and energy to keep going forward. You will feel that you are going backwards because i have felt like that but you will feel as though you are making some progress eventually. Do you have support from a friend or your sister?

Please take care, thinking of you.

ellie

jane · Experienced Member

thankyou ellie,

i was so scared of putting that post out there, i feel guilty towards everyone here for not having the anger but i needed to ask. my sister has the anger in bucket fulls so we dont discuss the subject, we are in totally different places with regards to the healing path, she bounded down it, im standing at the starting line with glue on the bottom of my shoes!

i am starting councelling again tomorrow as things are getting out of control in my head again, so i will be able to talk to someone. it also helps coming on here and responses like yours that tell me im not the wierdo i thought i was is a great relief to me.

i hope you have the support you need, i will listen anytime

take care and stay safe

thankyou

jane

ellie · Senior Member

Jane,

I like the bit about the glue stuck on the bottom of you feet, it made me chuckle.

Its unfortunate that your sister isnt more supportive and 'bounding ahead' but dont compare yourself or think that shes coped better because we are all individuals and need to accept that. My brother just says 'it happened and thats the way it is' but i probably would have said that 14 months ago.

I might have to take you up on your offer of listening soon, take care

ellie.

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Jane

I'm glad you found a place to come and ask your questions. You didn't anger me at all. I think what you're going through is a normal response. People are all individuals and respond to identical situations in very different ways. Your post didn't make me think you were weird or abnormal, just that you are in a lot of pain right now that was triggered when you thought it was behind you. That has also happened to me and many others on this site I think, though for a variety of reasons. I've been abused in different ways by both genders when I was growing up. I was sexually abused every night for a short spell when I was eight by a relative in the extended family. I've always felt more betrayed by the man's wife for not preventing it than by the man himself. I know she knew what was happening. But in other ways she helped me achieve things and encouraged me with good activities that no other female person had ever done. I think relationships with abusers can be very complex. Children need the love and approval of their parents. To keep it maybe some children cannot feel anger towards an abusive parent because the parent may also do good things with them and they need to believe in the good things too. I think it may be too hard for a child to admit to themselves that a parent/s can do such bad things. Maybe the lack of anger is a safety net for you. Whatever the reason you are not weird or abnormal. Because I have complex issues and have been abused and neglected by my female parent and bullied extensively by my brother but cared for by my father, Grandfather and adopted Grandfather who were not abusive I have very complicated perceptions about gender and abuse. I feel anger but it is misplaced. I was also taught that to feel anger is bad - that I was bad. I become angry with doctors even though I know it is unreasonable. I hate being touched. But the doctor is not abusive he is very good. My father did not protect me from my mother's abuse so is guilty of neglect but I still want to believe that he was wonderful. I think mothers are bad but I'm a mother. So the feelings are very complicated. I'm sorry you got triggered by your sister. She's just been affected in a different way. Your way is just as valid. And it's OK to come to this place and ask questions. I need to do it too and I'm afraid of triggering others but all I've had is support.

I hope this helps a little. Keep asking.

ouch

Raindancer · Veteran Member

Hi Jane,

I for one feel no anger towards you..only admiration at you having been able to post this here when to you it probably felt 'risky'. Im sure alot of people here at Havoca have thought about this also, not being able to feel anger towards those that hurt them...i know i have, and its only now and then that im able to put the blame where it belongs, with the abusers.

Anger in so many ways is an emotion/feeling that we would rather avoid, seeing it as being unhealthy (after all, how many of us feared angry reactions as a child).

In time Jane, when you are able to shift the responsibilty and blame from yourself onto those who WHERE responsible...then you might find your more able to get in touch with your anger and acknowledge it was you who was violated and betrayed.

Jane i often refer to myself as being wired up wrong, and i've heard many others talk about this. I can get angry at myself for being 'wired up wrong' as if its somehow my fault...do you? even though logically i know that it wasnt, and that as a child i had things done to me, experienced things far beyond my comprehension. Children dont have the skills to cope with such feelings/experiences and so the knock on effect to this is that they get shut out. You get that many mixed messages that as an adult you cant determine right from wrong, and what happened to you was wrong, only those feelings (the Anger, is still blocked....shut out).

Im probably waffling now arent i, but please dont feel bad of yourself for not feeling that anger yet.

Take gentle care,

Raindancer

LittleDragon · Member

hey jane... I had a friendly relationship with my cousin for years after the abuse. from my pary there was always something there, although i could never pin point it exactly, i knew he had abused me, but with a smile plastered on my face I can be friends with anyone!!

i havent spoken to him for around 5 months now, because i remembered everything, and cant even look at him. i am not angry, i havent got that far yert, i am scared and feel like imstuck at age 8.

i think it is really normal for the various feelings to take any amount of time to surface, and may i say well sone for posting despite your reservations....

((((safe hugs)))))

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi Jane

You make no one angry we are all at different stages of our healing journey and me for one slips back frequently then fall in to the trap of self shame guilt etc. Anger is not an easy emotion for many but I am learning that anger is a tool and can be used positively as well as negatively.

It is good like many of us you have found a place to talk

Take care of yourself

Amanda

Sue · Veteran Member

Hi Jane,

we are confused and having mixed feelings. With the councelling you will get to know what is going on with you and you will feel better. For me I am angry with my husband of 16 years. last friday I came from the doctor's office not feeling well because it is confirmed that I got diabetes and he answered AND?. The last 15 years I tried to cope with every situation never made him feel uncomfortable with my problems and tried everything and took him to therapy (he abused me physically and verbally) till he came up with the idea that I have borderline personality disorder and it would be good to stay in a hospital for a year or two. my psychiatrist was outraged and said that he is full of problems and the depression I have is out of his mood swings. I will make my delayed vacation alone but I am not leaving him with nothing. I invested a lot in this marriage and did my duties and it is time to get my rights. Finally I get to stand for myself because I am angry. Sue

leckie · Senior Member

hi jane

i wasn't angry at first with my abuser (stepdad) i was angry at myself for years as i blamed myself for what hapened and i also blamed my mum for not stoping it and never saw her for about 9 or 10 years i told everyone she was dead just because i did not want to face what had happened when i was a child but now a few years down the line i have a lot of anger and hatred for him and i am back in touch with my mum, now i feel bad as she said she nothing about the abuse so i had to face her and tell her what i had done telling people she was dead but we are fine now so your anger will come and i hope you get the answer about WHY as i can never get that answer because he is dead

take care

john x

ps you are getting there it does take a long time don't worry about the speed

as my x partner felt nothing was hapening fast enough but she never went through it

we did and cant hurry because someone is not happy with the speed we are going at

they should just be thankfull it never hapened to them .

-- Edited by leckie at 22:09, 2004-09-22

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

Hi Jane

I am writing to say I have the same experience as you. When I left home I was so relieved I had got out with my sanity still intact, after living in such an insane household. I now know there was other abuse going on and that is locked away like yours.

I have been in therapy now for nearly four years, and I felt that I had not progressed. More recently I have had to reconsider this, otherwise what would be the point of carrying on if there was no improvement of any sort. So I realised that what had happened was that I could make more sense of what I remembered, and was able to see how the remembered abuse affected me and where the blame lay. This was progress. OK I have not remembered the locked away part, but this does not mean the therapy has been a failure. Those memories will come when my unconcious judges I am able to cope with them.

I tell my therapist I feel no anger for what happened, often wanting to defend the abusers. She says that the anger will come, it is right to be angry, and again when the unconcious knows that it is safe to be angry then I will be able to feel it. It is partly a matter of trusting that the people around will not react the way my abusers did when I was angry as a child, and that trust for me is difficult.

This may be the way it will happen for you, so do not feel you are bad or wrong, all that could be happening is that your unconcious is protecting you, and when your circumstances are "safe" then the appropriate emotions will appear. The starting process may continue for ages, and then all of a sudden you may realise that there has been a change, perhaps not the one you were expecting, but still a change.

Talking through things can be a good way of sorting it out in your mind, whether it is in person to a therapist, or here on site. So carry on, I won't get angry at anyone writing what is on their mind or heart, and I can only hope to encourage the healing process.

spunk · Veteran Member

I think that not being angry is tied both to the attitude of blaming onself for what happened, and also to the need to have some distance for ourselves from what happened. The anger might not be safe, I can see that point, but also, I think that what is behind the anger, the pain and fear, those might still be just too much for some of us to handle. Maybe we can't be angry until we can deal with the pain and the damage done.

Lisa

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

I used to feel incredible amounts of anger, about my past, my situation, etc... But of course, I was expressing my anger inappropriately - what else did I know? This was also the time I was having nightmares, but they weren't incapacitating me. I think that's when my subconscious was trying to give me information through my dreams. Even though I felt all this anger (or perhaps because of it) I felt so ALIVE! I felt like I was making progress, making positive changes in my life, etc... And I truly was. I got myself off welfare, put myself through school, got a good job, started my career. None of this was at all easy, it was really difficult to get there from where I was, but I did it and it felt GREAT! But I was overconfident - almost feeling like this stuff is easy to overcome - I can do it if I only try hard enough. Bad therapy was really pushing me to exceed my capacities without laying any kind of safety net, based solely on the Little Engine dogma (I think I can, I think I can...).

But then, like someone else who posted here (I don't remember at the moment which one of you it was) the bottom fell out. So many bad things happened I can barely stand to think about it, even now. But I think the net effect was that I felt punished for my anger, even though most of these things had nothing to do with my anger - like my grandmother dying. So I drove my anger underground. That's when my nightmares started escalating - to the point that I couldn't cope at all, and I went on sleeping pills to shut them away. I hate what they do to me, but I also acknowledge that without them I probably wouldn't be here. But they were the only solution offered (I call them, and antidepressants, shut-up-and-go-away-pills).

I feels like my life has been a pale shadow of what it used to be ever since. Ever since then it feels like I'm dying I used to think I was dying physically (my health certainly has been much worse). Now I think I understand that it was really my soul that was dying. I so wish I could get back in touch with my anger, but it carries the fear built up from that time where I lost every single thing in my life that made my life worth living, except my career.

------------------------
Jane, I just re-read your original post on this topic and something struck me. One of the things that happened "when the bottom fell out" for me, was that I confronted my family, at the most inappropriate time you could think of. It was as if I unintentionally let off a nuclear explosion, and got caught in it's path.

It truly was my own fault and it hurt like "H**L". It's just that I really didn't understand the consequences of what I was doing. All the things that happened felt like the worst imaginable punishment. It was really after that time my anger went underground, and I haven't been able to get in touch with it ever since.

I've been thinking about creating another thread about family estrangement. It's the most painful thing I've ever had to endure, and I feel incredible guilt and self-disgust that I was the one who started it.

Anyway, your post helped me realize that it was the breakoff with my entire family that contributes to my sense of being such a completely, thoroughly despicable person who is the architect of my own misfortune, and the consequences of that breakoff is most linked to my fear of anger.

I don't mean to depress anyone - I really can't find a thread of hope in this - just really felt the need to get this out. I really apologize to anyone who feels badly because of this post.

Not feeling especially hopeful of growing either roots or wings at this point...

J.

jane · Experienced Member

I cant thank you all enough for your replies on this topic as i very nearly didn't put it out as i feared the response. you are the most amazing people i have ever spoken with.

the next section of this may trigger.. physical violence experience,

im not sure if i will ever get the anger. i fear anger, it is bad and destructive, well that is my experience of it anyway. HE was a very scary man, just a look from him and i nearly wet my pants. his anger was astounding, it was the flick of a switch and he was another person, some one capable of anything. it wasn't slow purposeful pain infliction like burning or other equally evil acts, it was pure rage. i dont see anger as anything but bad, why would i even want to get in touch with it. but then reading and listening to people, isn't it part of the healing process, how can i do it when it is a reminder in itself of childhood.

i haven't shared anything yet about life as a child and im not sure i will ever say a great amount, but the first instance i remember is when i was 3-4 years of age. i was sat at the dinner table with both parents and my baby sister in a highchair. i wasn't eating my dinner so i was grabbed by my left arm with a grip of vice and dragged around the table towards him. he had seen enough of me whining over my dinner. he then shook me and threw me towards the doorway where i knew i had to leave. i could feel his wrath, he was alive with it. that is anger. emotions at that point? i dont know. i have the memories vividly but not the emotion to go with them.

i fear anger, not just from the recieving end, but i fear my capabilities if i get in touch with it. i am very like him and this frightens me to death.

J.

your last post hurt, i love your ? (whatever its called at the bottom, the thing about roots and wings) for you to say you dont feel it, hurt. i can feel your pain from it. please get safe hugs from someone close.

as for starting a post on family estrangement, i think its a good idea. i am affected by it and i know others on the site are also estranged. if you cant, let me know and i will start it.

Sue.

i wish you well in your stance, you deserve care and support. stay safe.

Jane.