guilt

ouchzone · Experienced Member

guilt

segelov · Experienced Member

Hello ouchzone

You are NOT a bad person, the relief of knowing that some one cannot hurt you any more is not a reason to feel guilty.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve that, leaving behind guilt is such a hard thing, but it is worth focusing on this, becuase the guilt is not yours but that of your abuser.

Keep safe

michelle · Senior Member

In know why shape or form. DO I feel any GUILT for my abuser being dead. My mom.

I rejoiced the day she died. It brings me such peace and comfort to know she is gone.

We are not bad people for wonting them dead.They were bad people for what they did.

My therapist says its ok to be glad my mother is dead. And he is the doctor!!!

SO FORGET THE GUILT AND BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't waste your time on guilt your abuser didn't.

Michelle

LittleDragon · Member

nope, no reason to feel guilty for feeling relief, you deserve the peace that it has brought you after the years of hiding it/trauma/secrets/waiting for it to happen again.

focus yr energy on yourself, not on letting them evoke yet another negative emotion

sunshine · Newbie

you shouldnt feel guilty.the innocent children of this world are free from their sick behaviour forever once these sick monsters are dead, or at least behind bars for life>

amanda · Experienced Member

Hi Ouchzone

Please don't feel guilt people might think me wicked but I actual buy the local paper hoping my parents deaths may be in the hatches matches and dispatches columns as I have convinced myself when they are gone I will at last find freedom

Amanda

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Thanks everybody.

Re:My therapist says its ok to be glad my mother is dead. And he is the doctor!!!
I'm terrified of my doctor finding out stuff like that about me because he is a very good doctor and doctors save lives. I feel ripped apart.

People talk about something to remember the deceased by. I just want to forget. After she died I got rid of things she'd given me or reminded me of her. I can't cope when I see people going to cemetries with flowers. I've never been. I never will. I can't cope when people talk about grieving. But it's such a common topic of conversation in the last few years. People say "It's good to talk" and every time they talk grieving it triggers me big time and I stop functioning. So I've become a recluse. If I had nut allergy that would be acceptable. I know some people get distressed by abuse talk (even if they haven't been abused). I find that talking about abuse helps. It validates and makes me feel less isolated.

I find it difficult to understand right and wrong sometimes because the emotional/psychological abuser was my mother who made or interpreted the rules. So I don't know how to cope with this conflict. I'm walking against the tide. When someone dies they expect empathy especially from females but I feel angry with them for triggering me. Am I sick or am I sick?

ouch

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

It is no use any of us telling you not to feel guilty, or bad, or anything else like that. It is how you feel and there is nothing wrong in feeling any of those things.

I grew up constantly being told that my feelings were wrong. Why was I sad, there was nothing to be sad about, or that I should not be happy as I was a bad girl. So for me to hear you say that this is what you are feeling, I say OK. You may not be happy about feeling these things but you have been honest and that is good. Very, very good.

I hope you do not find what I am about to write too frivolous, as this is something I need to sort out myself aswell. I too was abused by my mother, and had very mixed feelings when she died, and thinking about what you have said has made me consider those feelings.

If you were trapped in a room by a fire you would feel safer when the fire was put out, and the source of that fire had been removed. You are also glad that the fire is not likely to start again.

You feel safer now that your mother has died - it is good to feel safe, and that safety is through the removal of the factor that was dangerous.

You are glad your mother died - why not be glad when something dangerous has been removed.

Would you feel guilty that you were glad the danger of fire had gone and now felt safer?

Wouldn't you remove all the fire damaged things within that room, and start again to get the room looking good.

Nobody would expect you to keep reminders of the fire.

I am also in the process of getting rid of all the things that belonged to my mother, there is no point in keeping unnecessary reminders, just because they were hers.

So I feel I have to ask this question. What do you feel guilty about? For me it is because I feel a failure. I have failed to act the way that I think society expects me to. My concern is about what I think people think of me for not mourning my mothers death. Your answer to that question may well be different. Am I bad for not mourning my mothers death, no, I can't be, because I have been true to how I felt about her.

Anything you feel can not be wrong, it is how you feel. It may not be what you think you ought to feel, but trying to change your feelings because you think society expects something else is definitely wrong. Society does not know you as an individual with your own unique history, so stick with what you have, work with these feelings, and use them to learn more about yourself.

Just one final thing. Doctors do save lives, but a person is more than a body, it is a mind as well, and doctors will help to heal the mind. If there is something wrong with the body the doctor needs to know what is going on and where it hurts so that he can help. It is the same with the mind, the doctor needs to know what you are thinking, and where you hurt so that he can help you heal.

I hope you are OK with all this.

HAVOCA · Trustee

I find myself agreeing with everyone's point of view again, although some of the things posted do contradict each other, they all make sense.

Most people say you shouldn't feel guilty and that is right. Sallyjack points out that it is ok to feel guilt and goes on to explain why perhaps you feel those feelings, and how to understand them and perhaps banish them.

One common theme among all of your posts is acknowledging the guilt. You acknowledge the guilt, in other words understand that you are feeling it, and then you try and sort it out.

So in your case you have acknowledged that you feel guilt about feeling safe now your abuser has gone. You look at why you might have that guilt, and then you work on releasing that guilt.

So all the advice is right. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling safe, but you shouldn't ignore that feeling, you should acknowledge it and work with it. Burying it and letting it fester will be harmful.

Stay safe and treat yourself gently,

Jamie