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Leila


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Telling your story....
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It's my first post, and i'm not exactly sure how to start out.


I have an amazing boyfriend that loves me more then anything. Sometimes, when we get into a bad argument, I shut down and I can't feel anything, its pretty much like I'm numb. I tell him that its from the emotional/physical abuse from years ago, and he understands, but he gets so frustrated. He wants to help, support, love and be there for me. He knows a lot about what happened, but I didnt tell him everything for fear that he'll think something is wrong with me and that I have "issues" or "baggage" as some people put it. I'm not exactly sure if I should put everything out on the table or keep the majority of it. It's so hard to tell someone that just doesn't understand. We grew up in such different worlds.


 Also, I'm not sure how to get over shutting down my feelings when we argue. I'm young, and I dont want to go through the rest of my life feeling this way.


Any advice would be helpful.


Thanks!



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feemarie


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Hi Leila,


I'm not sure how much advice i can offer but i understand what you are talking about.  Ive had a similar problem with my boyfriend and i know how hard it is to tell someone who just doesnt understand. its so hard to tell everything that happened i know and in my experience the best way has been to tell a little at a time. Do what you feel comfortable with, thats the most important thing. It seems to me that your boyfriend is there for you and wants to help, let him but only if you are happy with it!   Another suggestion someone gave me lately was to try writing to him and explaining that way, its easier somehow and when he has digested what youve written you can discuss it together.


sorry i cant help more but you arent alone here!!


take gentle care Leila,


fee


x



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caren34


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Hi leila


Your not alone , i'm the same how i explain to my therpist i feel dead , nothing , not anger , hate , love nothing , but in time we will deal with this , little steps on telling b/f  IF you feel comfortable , he only needs to know as much as you feel , are you seeking help though a therpist ETC.


take care



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ouchzone


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I still have difficulty talking. My husband knows this. I didn't tell him about the abuse for years. It only came out gradually. He thought I had depression because that's what I'd been told when I was a teenager. I was told that I was depressed because I was bad inside (not quite as bluntly as that). The abuse was stepped up after the diagnosis and descrimination followed at school. Also the pharmacist became unpleasant towards me as soon as he saw what was written on the prescription. He'd always been pleasant before. This reinforced my belief that I was bad. So some years on, I thought my then fiance, might leave me when I told him about the depression. I thought I was bad and worthless. But we've been married over twenty-five years. So I don't think a good relationship is going to be destroyed because of what has happen to you and it's effects on you. I don't like dumping my problems on my husband too much. But he's never complained. The talking has taken years. I like to compare the abuse injuries to a broken limb. At first you can't bear anybody anywhere near you. Then it's wrapped up in a hard protective covering. It heals on the inside slowly. When it's unwrapped again you feel vulnerable. But gradually you get the use back if it's treated gently and at your pace. What's comfortable for you. And him.


Take care of both of you. Good luck.


ouchzone



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Raindancer


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Hi Leila,


I too dont have any advice, but i can relate to some of how you feel as both my ex partner and I where raised in what seemed like two different worlds. I think if you can talk to him, be honest with how your feeling (but only what your comfortable with) then it will help your relationship.


Wishing you all the best,


Raindancer



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Leila


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quote:
Originally posted by: caren34
"Hi leila Your not alone , i'm the same how i explain to my therpist i feel dead , nothing , not anger , hate , love nothing , but in time we will deal with this , little steps on telling b/f  IF you feel comfortable , he only needs to know as much as you feel , are you seeking help though a therpist ETC. take care"

no i'm not currently seeing a therapist. i did when i was a lot younger though.


funny thing is, its been 10 years this week of when everything finally started to come out and 10years this past may of when the abuse stopped. I'm proud of myself for how far i've come, but i know that the healing isn't over. i still have trust issues and such. im starting to think that maybe my boyfriend needs to know more, maybe it will help him to understand a bit



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feemarie


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Hi Leila,


firstly you should be proud of yourself on how far youve come, we all should!


I do think itd be good for you to start to open up to your boyf a little more.  my boyfriend always says to me that if i dont talk to him he cant try to understand and tho hell never know exactly what im going thru he can deal with me better and begin to learn what im going thru and try to help.  I used to keep everything closed in and then be frustrated when he didnt appreciate what im going thru, now he knows more he understands certain moods i get into and gives me space when i need it or cuddles when i need them!


Like i said before tho, take it at your own pace little by little and i think youll find the more you tell him the more comfortable you will be talking to him and him to you.  It is hard for them too i guess to know the right things to say but the more you talk the easier that will become for him.


i really hope this helps a little bit and i wish you both all the best getting thru this, its not easy i know but itll get easier with time.


take gentle care,


fee


x



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