Religion

HAVOCA · Trustee

Religion

amanda · Experienced Member

I know we all are entitled to beliefs but this topic caused me such anger How can religion fit into my journey when it was religion at the core of my abuse.

I am so sorry I am just so angry this just triggered

Amanda

ouchzone · Experienced Member

What it means to me

Age 9/10

Forgiveness

Threats of the burning fires of hell. Had to forgive others to be forgiven and avoid being thrown into the pit of fire. They showed how much they enjoyed me hurting. My brother set out to make me feel angry then laughed in my face. My mother showed the enjoyment in the expression of her voice. She blamed me because he bullied me and she punished me for hours for feeling angry. They never said sorry. I could not forgive them but I didn’t know why at the time. So I had to make no mistakes otherwise I would go to hell.

Obedience.

If I did what I was told I got hurt – many times – sometimes with lifetime consequences. But it was wicked not to obey. Result. Constant feelings of guilt. Then being treated as if I was crazy.

Talking about Love as if it was a universal experience.

At school the threats and rigid rules. Trying to deal with pain, hunger, stress and tension from abuse that I carried with me from home. At home hunger, bullying, dirt, rejection, feeling unsafe and total isolation. I don’t think I properly understood what love was.

First born sons

I was rejected because I was female. Told girls are weak and spiteful. Boys give and girls take. Girls are a worry. “I’m so proud of my son..” But my mother and brother were ashamed of me. Use of “the girl” and “our son” was common then. “our” and “son” are belonging words. “Little” added to girl. Reminding me I was inferior because of my gender.

Brother used to mean good in religion. It means bully to me.

Teenage Years

Being bullied by a nun was incomprehensible

They always won because they were bigger. I would always be a loser because I’m small. She despised small people. And never tired of confronting me with my smallness. “Men can do what they like because they are bigger.” When he got bigger than her he won.

Go to hell if take the pill. Constant fear of being used by a man then used for nine months. Being no more than a factory. No longer mattering. Wouldn’t be able to work then. Being a sponge on society. No longer able to put back and repay the debt of my existence. (My father did not abuse me)

Now

Mention of religion causes me to switch on my personal firewall. When I go past a church I look the other way.

Telling the truth causes disapproval and disbelief.

Good stuff

A priest said that those who need love most are often those people find most difficult to give love to.

One priest cared about those who cannot love because they have been too badly hurt or not been loved themselves

Bad triggers for me too with this one

Raindancer · Veteran Member

When i first read this question my initial response was ''It doesnt, religion doesnt fit into my healing journey'' only thats not the truth. There are some aspects of religion that do trigger me because of how it played a role in the abuse i went through as a child...and so thinking about it now, religion WILL be an topic that i have to tackle due to this (So that i can continue to heal). Im not saying i will follow a particular religion, nor will it significantly be an influencing healing tool within my life.

Its only now i've been able to seperate the concept of Religion from Spirituality, and Spirituality is something i have been interested in (Buddishmn etc etc) and i did use this to help myself find new ways of finding that 'Inner peace' through meditation. Spirituality yes, i think it can and has had a purpose in my healing journey. As for Religion, well im now undecided. It would only be something i would look into to help me move past my triggers (and that would then be it).

Hmmm thank you for this, it did get me thinking.

Amanda, im really sorry that this topic has stirred many feelings/emotions within you...but please dont apologise for the way it has made you feel. How you feel is justified, and im glad you have somewhere you can express that. How you feel is important, no apologies needed and i hope the anger has settled alittle for you.

Raindancer

amanda · Experienced Member

Thank you raindancer

Today is a better day it just hit me when I read the word and I am sorry I reacted the way I did. I know it is something I need to come to terms with to move on with my healing.

I also acknowledge that for others religion is a very positive part of their lives.

I am sorry you also have bad feelings around this topic ouchzone and my thoughts are with you.

Amanda

HAVOCA · Trustee

Hi Guys

Thanks for answering this difficult topic honestly and openly.

I knew it would cause a stir and I never deliberately start topics to upset or unnerve people. Religion is important, in the same way we need to talk about sex to sexual abuse victims, we need to talk about religion to people who were abused in a religious environment.

Religion is also something every victim needs to consider. Even non-believers need to decide if they believe in a higher power. Faith is important and no matter what you believe in that faith has been shattered by your abuse in some way (Ouchzone's reply lists some of these affects).

So religion does need to be thought about.

Finally, I just want to finish by thanking everyone for expressing their feelings, including anger. Anger is a healthy emotion and we shouldn't be afraid to express ourselves truly. This forum is all about providing a safe place for victims to come and share their feelings and emotions in an honest truthful environment. So a big thank you for all your contributions it's a real honour to know you all - albeit on the end of a computer )

Stay safe

Jamie

segelov · Experienced Member

Hi Jamie

Taken time about answering this - religion was one of the reasons why it took me such a long time to acknowledge that my abuse was not my fault - I was brought up in a care home from age 10+ where the housemother was RC, she made all us girls believe that anything that happened to girls/women of a sexual nature was our fault, we were taught that as men by their nature could not control themselves, we the female half of the population where responsible for saying no. She did not believe that rape happened without the consent of the victim (she would not have seen a victim - just a girl who had no self control) - I suspect that she did not see the possibility of rape! I was sexually abused then raped before I arrived in the care home, so she never knew what had happened, but the teaching reinforced that it was pointless in my complaining as like my mother she believed that it was my fault.

Religion became my escape through my teens, so much so that I considered entering a convent at one point. I was lucky, I did come across some wonderful religious people, but I also came accross some nasty ones, and I was thrown out of the Church when I was pregnant and unmarried when I wa 18/19.

Over the years I have experiemented with various believe systems, and now claim to be no more than a humanist with a tinge of naturalism in my life.

And I will go one no more....

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Re:

she made all us girls believe that anything that happened to girls/women of a sexual nature was our fault, we were taught that as men by their nature could not control themselves, we the female half of the population where responsible for saying no.

&

as like my mother she believed that it was my fault.

I was told this too. Two years after being abused by a relative she had sent me to stay with to give her a break. But never as extreme as rape.

I don't know where to focus my anger. At my mother for burdening me with those beliefs (at the age of ten). Or that it was not her fault because she was passing on what she had been taught. But I didn't pass that on to my daughters or sons. I taught them that they are responsible for what they do and not for what others do (to them). It wasn't just the burden of blame but the feeling unsafe. Making it worse when I was trying to move on in my life after the abuse. And it wasn't just about sexual abuse. She said I provoked my brother's bullying. I knew I did not. When he was fully grown 6'2" and I was a teenager he punched me very hard on the breast one day right in front of her and for no reason I could work out. There was no argument or anything. I don't do arguing anyway. I collapsed in agony. She just walked away as if nothing had happened. She also made me sleep in a caravan within inches of my brother for a week. I was terrified he was going to have a 'can't help it' spell in the night and make me pregnant. I didn't feel safe in beds anyway after the abuse. Whose fault is it that girls/women have been told this? I need to know who to be angry with and I want to be angry with my mother, segelov's mother and the nuns.

ouch this hurts really bad.

LittleDragon · Member

hey... I only just pickedthis thread up and i think it is really interesting.

My experience of religion was not during the abuse but as segelov said, religion became an escape through my teenage years. at school i was never involved with any group of people and was loely, bullied and depressed. i self harmed a lot and took several overdoses, but never go the help i needed. i sound comfort in religion because i was accepted 100% by a group of strangers just for saying i believed in what they did.

it seems weird now, because i do genuinely think these people were brain washing me and i could so easily have ended up in some kind of cult. i know a friend of mine who was abused as a child went through a scarily similar expereince.

i think for me religion was partly positive in that i felt as though i belonged to a group, but negative because i was vulnerable and could have gotten into a lot of trouble....

segelov · Experienced Member

Hello ouch

I am angry with every one who hurts other human beings especially children, I am angry that human beings who have the power of imagination and empathy can even conceive of systems (religious or otherwise) that include the demeaning, humilation or belittling of another human being. I am angry in particular with my mother because she as a mother should have prevented her children from being abused, instead she was a willing participant and instigator of much of our abuse. I used to imagine that I had forgiven her, using all sort of excuses in particular the excuse that she had gone through childhood in wartime, but I now do not see this as a valid excuse, especially as she now denies that any of these things have happened to us, she now blames the "authorities" for having removed her family from her, however she abandoned us and left the UK, we were all aged 10 and below..

Sorry for the rant - today has been a very low day for me!

I too used to hate bed!!

ouchzone · Experienced Member

Hi segelov

Re: 'especially as she now denies that any of these things have happened to us, she now blames the "authorities" for having removed her family from her,'

Classic responses aren't they:

'You provoked it'

'I don't remember'

'It didn't happen'

'It was somebody else's fault'

And another two I got were:

that I was always thinking bad things about her

it was bad to remember the bad stuff ( I couldn't work out how to forget it but I coudn't remember how to spell successfull)

+ the old favourite 'forgive and forget' but that was only when she or my brother had done something wrong not when I had or my Dad had or her mother or her sisters or the rest of the world

Sorry everyone I'm still feeling angry about this,

ouch