Anyone else have problems with self-care?

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Anyone else have problems with self-care?

LittleDragon · Member

absolutely, this has been one of the things that I have recently realised that I do. when I was younger, around the time of puberty was when i first started to remember the abuse I suffered as a kid. I didnt remember much of it, just that it had happened. around this time i began not washing, i would wear the same clothes over and over again for weeks and would rarely chnge my underwear. my mum and dad used to tell me i stank (im not sure that they really understood what was going on or why...) i wouldnt use deoderant and stopped brushing my teeth. I talked with my therapist about it not too long ago, and we came to the conclusion that the lack of self-care, along with the over eating was an attempt to make myself so unnattractive that nobody would want to make sexual advances towards me. fat+lack of hygene = safety from abuse.

hope this helps.

spunk · Veteran Member

I have had this problem all my life, as well, including general self-neglect in terms of healthcare, appearance, my house was always a pig stye, lots of "accidents" and forgetting to take care of things important to me, not taking opportunities to help myself, etc.

I see several parts to this whole problem. As LittleDragon says, one component for me has been to be unattractive as a form of self-protection. Another is the obvious self-esteem issue and is related also to neglect. I was not taught how to take care of myself as part of the abuse, and learned to take on the feeling of unworthiness in that way. I didn't know how to take care of myself, and I told myself that I didn't deserve it anyway.

Learning self-care has been one of the main focuses of my current therapy. I am starting with small steps, keeping a morning routine, taking vitamins, eating fruit, journaling, exercising, trying to eat a balanced diet. That's alot for me to try to do, and I don't always succeed. Health issues, such as regular checkups, dental care, eye care, etc. are next on my list.

I have to back up a bit and say that the very first step in this learning process was setting safe boundaries for myself, in terms of guarding my physical safety privacy and insisting on respect from others.

The benefits of all this are amazing, in terms of quieting anxiety, trigger to the abuse, and a host of other ptsd symptoms. Just adding a small bit of structure to the beginning of my day has made a huge difference in the level of enjoyment that I experience each day.

Lisa

Sallyjack · Veteran Member

So I'm not the only one.

A little while ago I was discussing around this subject my my therapist, but only in general terms, and always avoiding the main issue for me.

I ignore my body as much as possible. If I am in pain with no real apparent cause, then I put it down to being overweight, and there is no point in going to the doctors to be told yet again I have to lose weight. Even now I will wash and follow the basic hygeine rules purely because I am scared of negative comments. I won't describe what I did as a teenager, but it was to find out just who my friends were, who would stick by me no matter. I have done similar things in my marriage as well.

The only thing that prevents anybody else from knowing is fear, fear of what might be said if I don't present my self in an acceptable manner. It is obviously something that needs dealing with for me, but I haven't found another solution, .... yet.

Growing roots and wings · Veteran Member

Spunk,
Have you or your therapist every considered writing a book, or a workbook, on this?

What you're describing is exactly what I've been looking for in therapy for over 15 years - and never found. I work in IT, and am a prodigious researcher, but I've never found anything in all that time that helps me address this issue. I have often said to my husband that, if I could only fix one thing in my life, I would choose to fix this over every other problem. Even though I can't find any resources on this, my intuition tells me that it is a very large, unspoken about, problem for many people.

For some reason I don't understand this is my biggest unresolved problem - the one around which I carry extreme shame and self-deprecation. It's the only topic I know that can easily and immediately bring me to a crisis point - trigger nightmares, anxiety attacks, thoughts of suicide, etc... It's by far the biggest trigger I have, and yet I've never been able to find a single therapist who is willing to discuss it - which has only added to my sense of shame and stigmatization.

After all these years I'm no closer to a solution, or to understanding why I have this reaction, than I was when I first became aware of it. I won't go out in public without being clean, presentable, makeup, etc... (my public mask), but it feels like such a huge effort and struggle that I usually don't go out on weekends because I don't get washed or dressed. If it weren't for work I think I would spend weeks without going outside at all. I sometimes think that is why I've put so much time and effort into my job - it's the only thing that gives me any structure and normalcy because it pushes me to take care of myself in some ways.

I wasn't sexually abused, so I'm not certain about being "unattractive as a form of self-protection" as Spunk mentioned. I often wondered if my reluctance to take a shower could be a result of my mother trying to drown me when I was about 2, but have no gut feel about this one way or another, which is strange for me - usually I have pretty good intuition about what is true for me. All I know is that, if i try to push through the feeling when I'm especially tired &/or stressed that I am aware of feeling over-whelming fear.

I can't believe I'm actually feeling safe enough to write this here - I've barely been able to admit this to anyone before.

michelle · Senior Member

I am just the opposite I'm a clean freak. I go alittle overboard sometimes I have to chill out for the childrens sake.

Michelle

spunk · Veteran Member

Hi J,

I'm not considering writing a workbook on this, frankly, I'm still trying to figure it out, but thanks for the compliment. Just came back from a T session focusing on some of these issues, tying it back to how this has played out in family relationships, and current family issues. I do know that my self-care routine is something to use as an anchor. I drift away from it at time, then go back. And need to keep extending the practice to all forms of self-care. This is not easy. Right now I have drifted away from the routine a bit, due to work pressures. I need to restore the routine, though, I am already seeing negative affects of letting it slide right now.

I also like to give myself uninterrupted weekend time at home so that I can be as messy as I want to be, consider skipping bathing to be a sort of luxury. Although for me, it tends to work around housework, where I rationalize that I have heavy cleaning to do, and won't shower until after I've done the heavier housework. Or on Sunday, I might tell myself that I'm not leaving the house or seeing a single person, and skip bathing that day. I don't know why it seems like a treat, but it does. Or some weekends I do zero housework, and let myself make a huge mess. The difference between today and the past is that in the past, this could go on for months. I couldn't even consider having company over without spending a full day or two cleaning. Today, if I neglect my housework all weekend, I feel compelled to stay home Monday morning and clean.

Some of this is due to depression. I used to be chronically depressed, and considered a weekend spent at home, mostly in bed, reading or watching TV to be a special sort of pleasure. The idea of not having to leave the house for two days in a row seems like a real gift to myself.

The depression is mostly gone these days, due to T work, lessons learned in staying connected to my feelings. I have found that I actually feel better if I push myself toward activities away from home, even brief ones. There are no hard and fast rules for this, if I need to hide out for a day or two, I do that. It's just that I am much more aware of the benefits of going for a walk, or making that shopping trip, that there is a benefit to getting out of the house, and a special benefit to sticking to a morning routine during the week.

I started with very small things, like taking vitamins every day. Exercising for even just three minutes. Whatever. As long as it is a ritual of self-care, done with that in mind, and done daily, it works, and also motivates me to take the next step to add in another item.

Lisa

-- Edited by spunk at 19:51, 2004-09-16

ouchzone · Experienced Member

May trigger.

I can relate to the looking unattractive part to keep me safe from sexual advances. I prefer my hair to be dirty. I don't like going to the hairdressers both because they make hair look good and they touch me and stand too close. I do like to keep clean. But I was terrified of bathing the children. I think baths are dangerous places because I think I nearly drowned accidently when I was four. She used to put us in the bath then walk out. She didn't use soap and one time my brother stood up and urinated down my front and laughed at me like he enjoyed doing it. He was seven. I felt so filthy. I always felt that I was dirtying the towel when she came back and got us out. He just laughed at me when I was making awful noises trying to suck the air in after having been unable to breathe for too long. My Mum was always complaining because I was scruffy. But I never feel safe wearing dresses and she'd nag at me to do just that.

ouch

claudine · Moderator

ouch,

It's funny you should mention the hair thing. I've told a few people in the past that getting my hair 'done' always felt too intimate. Their reaction was, "Wow, I'd like to know who you're hair dresser is"! I can't stand to have anyone that close to me with me being in a vulnerable position. Is that really so strange? I end up cutting my own hair most of the time. If I really screw it up, I'll get it cut but I won't let them wash it. Maybe I should shave my head and buy a wig.

c