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rob


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Inner Child and Elderly Parents
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Hi


I have just come back from visiting my elderly mother (late 80's). You do not know what distress and guilt this does to me...Let me fill you in. My child sex abuse does not come from my parents but it comes from a "friend" whom my parents thought they could trust. The reason for the situation is complex and I do'nt fully know why this happenned. I support myself by telling my inner child (who feels his mother took him to a place of hurt!) that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.


I dealt with the abuse by denying it. Until about 3 yrs ago the secret was with me alone. My abuser is dead. My partner guessed this and has supported me since. My family is unaware and only a handful of people know. My father died about 10yrs ago and my ssister and I supported my mother until recently when late stage altziemer's has meant she has had to go into a care home. We love our mother dearly and continue to visit on a regular basis.


My mother has now become like a very vulnerable child. Although the adult side of me wants to support my mother, my inner child is frightened. This leads to great anguish when I plan to visit and feelings of guilt that I feel like this.  As I am know trying to deal with the abuse, the whole situation sometimes feels overwhelming.


Does anybody have similar circumstances or could offer advisesupport in this?


 



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ellie


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Rob,


I dont really know how to advise you or how to help but i can understand how much these visits must cause a lot of pain and stress.


At the moment i am finding it difficult with my mother, again i love her very much but i just find myself putting up defences when i visit. My father was my abuser and i dont understand why she didnt leave him sooner. (we left when i was 10) I'm angry with her but also feel for her because she was also abused by my father and probably felt powerless to do anything.


I want her to be like a mother to me and support me through my healing but when i visit i feel as though i am the one doing the supporting and i feel resentful because i am angry with her but cant tell her or get upset about things.


Im sorry i cant offer any good advice, hopefully somebody else will be able too.  It just feels good to get a reply.


Take care.


ellie.



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rob


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Hi ellie


Thanks for reply. Yes I agree it does feel good when you get a reply! I wish no-one who posts to the forum ever to get no reply or support. Just a word can mean so much. We do not have to advise, comment etc but, just let know that you have been read and that alone is comfort through a trial


I, in some way, feel fortunate that my abuser was not family. I have often wondered how difficult it is for a survivor to have to support the abuser through REAL love and in some way a forgiving heart. Someone who can do this is far more stronger than I am.


I wish you all the best and peace in your personal life.


Once again my thanks to you.


 



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Frog


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Hi Rob


I don't know if this will help, but I though I would shear it with you in case it does.


My Friend who I talk to alot and we are close friends. his Dad is in a home he has had a Stroke, a few years ago, he visits and finds it so hard and I see a tear in his eyes when he does, his dad cannot talk, and cannot do many things for himself, but sometimes shows recition of who his son is. I believe that his dad is still there maybe deep inside but he's there. His dad was a chippy and now my friend is starting to work with wood, he took a piece in when he went to visist and his dad loved it.


I can't fully understand how you feel but it must be awful and I am sorry for your pain, I don't now much about your mum condition, I can't spell the word sorry (I am hopeless at spelling) but I believe she to nows deep down that your there and appiicates that you are there to.


I know it's hard with abuse to understand and I find I have so many questions, I don't know what advice to give just that I am amazed we all survived this awful thing, but that says something, and we are all here to prove it, to speak out and break that silence. You have to so your on the right path keep going!


treat yourself, even the smallest thing, if you like todo it then do it, my therapist always used to tell me this and I have found it great, it's like suddenly I had permission to do something for me! Silly really but untill somone says it it doesn't always regisiter. do something your YOU, something that You Enjoy. and don't feel guilty about it, you desverve it. It's helped me! I love my new shoes!!!!


I don't know if any help but sending all the support I can give


Take care, look after yourself and be kind to You!


Frog



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