When I was three years old I learnt that the only person you can rely on is yourself That other people won't help. They make things worse.

Between the ages of five and seven I only learnt three things:

1 That I was stupid

2 That I didn't matter but that everybody else did

3 That the most stupid thing of all that you can do in life is to trust people because that's the way to get very badly hurt.

Please think about what most children learn at that age because I'm also divulging what was for years a shameful secret.

Either I did what I was told and got hurt, sometimes very badly with lifetime consequences or I 'looked after myself' and didn't obey the rules and got punished and told I was bad (and selfish).

When I was eight I was sexually abused every night by a relative in the extended family for a short time. When I went home I was terrified my Mum would find out and take me to see a doctor and the doctor would be right to do degrading things to me.

After the sexual abuse my mistrust was complete. I wouldn't let anybody within arm's reach and psychologically I surrounded myself with a personal firewall. I always arranged to be nearer the door than anybody else. It was a very frightening and lonely place to be. Meal times were hell. If I didn't eat I would be too weak to be vigilant. If I sat at the table people could touch me. Within a couple of years after the sexual abuse I was taken to see the GP because of recurrent stomach pains. I was told to lie on the couch. I didn't want to. I thought that if I refused my Mum would get angry and humiliate me and use force. I was terrified the doctor might do bad stuff to me because he was male and I still didn't know whether this was normal behaviour or not and she was going to sit and watch. If I went on the couch it would be like consenting which would mean I was bad. But I also thought that if the doctor was OK then my non-cooperation might make him suspect I'd been abused and I didn't want anyone to know. I wanted to kick the doctor's shins and run for it but I thought I'd end up in some place for delinquent children if I did that. I still get flashbacks with doctor's couches. She sat and watched the examination with the expression of disgust she always had for me when my skin showed. I felt angry but I had to hide it so I wouldn't get told I was bad again and punished.

As a teenager I didn't want boyfriends because I didn't want to get pregnant. My mother and brother taught me that men and boys can do what they like to women and girls because they are bigger and stronger and always win and it's the females fault too. I was terried I'd get pregnant by force and then have to see a doctor. Because my mother had said, 'Men can't help it.' I couldn't use people's names, make eye contact or talk to people because that meant 'leading people on'. I still have trouble using people's first names sometimes. It's too close for comfort. I prefer Mr or Mrs etc. I feel threatened if people use my first name.

When I was fourteen the GP said we should start taking holidays for health benefits. Mum didn't want to. I was forced to share a bed with her in a caravan. I couldn't cope with that. Beds are bad places. I didn't sleep and had breathing problems so had to keep sitting up. By morning I had a splitting headache. She spent well over an hour lambasting me without a break, what a rotten person I was. Then my brother, who didn't even like me, shouted at her and swore at her because he couldn't stand it anymore and he said, 'I don't know why she puts up with it', as if I had a choice and was responsible for stopping the stream of verbal attacks. I hadn't said a single word because it's rude to interrupt and answer back and I thought she would use any excuses to go home again and punish me. The next and following nights I had to sleep on the seat/bed within feet of my brother. I was terrified he would have a 'can't help it' moment in the middle of the night and I would get pregnant. Needless to say my health didn't benefit. I felt even deeper despair than before.

I felt so unsafe with people it depressed me that I couldn't escape my abusive home. I couldn't live alone in a flat but I wouldn't feel safe sharing with people. When I was first married it was an enormous ordeal to have workmen in the house. My mother and brother made it clear it wasn't safe for me to answer the door. And they despised me for being weak.

In spite of all this I married and had children. I need to get to know people slowly. I find it very difficult to trust women. So they have to be very good. I can think of one I do trust. Once I get to know them I'm less untrusting of male doctors than female probably because most times I've been lucky. Other males I'm very guarded with.

I think there has to be a balance between trust and isolation but I'm sure lack of trust is a normal symptom of abuse. I'm a lot more confident than I used to be.

Ouchzone

I have huge problems around trust I try hard to accept that not all people are the same but I also feel if you trust no one then you cannot get hurt or let down.

Trust has been one of the most difficult issues around bringing up my children and has given me many problems.

How do you ever gain it when you lost it at a very early age

Amanda 

Hi everyone

Trust is a really difficult one! In order to have close relationships and friendships you have to have trust in them. When the most important people in your life have let you down (especially when you were a child), How will you ever have real trust!  You have to really force yourself to trust but, you know that will leave you vulnerable also.  It will take time, patience and understanding from both sides before you can "overcome"  this.  Do you really ever overcome it or...learn to cope, I do'nt know?

I have never trusted anyone from my time of abuse. Yes, to the outside I acted as if they could get close but...Inside I dreaded them being near me or knowing me. I tolerated their being in my space!  Men, the source of my abuse, I stay away from. Women, I could relate too but feared them because of what emotions they brought out in me.  I did'nt want to have to deal with emotions!!!  People who are strong in character, I DREAD!

Now, I have forced myself to try to understand my abuse (after years of denying). I am fortunate now to have a partner who is slowly raising my trust levels and who reassures me through difficult times ( Ihave been twice married and divorced-my previous wives never knew of my abuse).  I am slowly coming to terms with people in general and trying to make sense and perspective of my life.  Do I trust? sometimes...but their are times when it seems easier to fall back into the defensive ways that have served me well for forty years.

I know I have a duty to challenge my thoughts and emotions for the good of our relationship. My partner is investing in our future together so, I must do my part also. I know this will mean some difficult times ahead but the rewards, I am sure, will be worth it.

I have found this forum a great source of strenght. We all are in this together and can help each other enormously. For me, I can handle writing my thoughts and hopefully supporting as well (at times). I feel secure! I say WELL DONE too all who are on this site. May we all find the answersto those questions which I know eat away inside us! 

Trust.......

There are 2 waysw I am with trust.

1) Naiive and too trusting

2) Compleatly untrusting.

I was told yesteday that I am VERY trusting. I know I cant get the balance right with trust. I am very trusting of people becuse the whole time in my head I am talking to myself saying...... "Not everyone is the same, not everyone is out to get me.... not everyone is an abuser.... people are inherehntly good....... (blah blah)" and this means I dont TRUST my own judgement.

I dont TRUST myself when im on my own too long.

I have one person innthe world who is my best best friend. Shes like a mum to me. I TRUST her more than aneone, but I still after 2 years cant trust her to NOT GO AWAY,..... NOT DISCOVER THE REAL ME AND HATE ME, ...... NOT IGNORE ME...... NOT GET SICK OF ME..... NOT THINK IM A WASTE OF SPACE.

I love her to pieces. And I'd do absolutely anething to make her happy. But I cant trust her. I dont dare. I swing between being clingy and posessive to being cold and detached.

Last week I told her I coudent trust her. (not to go etc etc etc)

and I think it was a big step, since a year ago, (or maybe even a month ago) I could never have told her I couldnt trust her, because I wouldnt want to say anything to make her not like me, not get on with me etc etc etc.............

so yeah, honesty wins! but trust is still refusing to budge.

What I dont undersatnd is the contrediction.... I was sexually abused, yet Im naiive and ignorant when it comes to other people and their motives. Am I really 3 yrs old in this respect? and how do I grow up?

ah ha ha!! Thats all!