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ellie


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confused and numb
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I have been seeing a T for physical and psycological abuse but recently started to have mad irrational thoughts that my father may have touched and fondled me.  I thought i was imagining this and kept pushing these thoughts away untill my mum admitted that my father had 'wandering hands and was getting too friendly with me'.


I thought i felt relieved  at first, that i wasn't going mad or making things up but now i feel totally numb.  I dont feel anything, it's as though it didn't really happen to me.  I even think that it's just fondling, it must happen a lot and it's not sexual abuse.  I'm trying hard to put this into perspective, I dont know what to think or even how i feel.


I thought i was getting somewhere in my therapy but it feels like i'm going downhill again.


Ellie.



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HAVOCA


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Hi Ellie


Thanks for sharing and for being brave enough to post.  I know how daunting the first post can be, so well done and thanks.


I just want to say for the record, fondling is inappropriate.  Any physical contact by an adult that is initiated in a sexual manner is sexual abuse.  It leaves the child with all sorts of wrong messages and can be potentially very damaging.


If you are starting to remember incidents that happeend in the past with regard to this type of fondling then it is highly likely you were abused in this manner.  It is very unusual for people to make up or imagine these events, regardless of what others might say about False Memory Syndrome. 


If this is the case then I'm not surprised you are having difficulty feeling anything.  As a child the only way you could cope was to block everything out and bury your emotions deep down behind a locked door.  Now that things are trickling out from that place and memories are starting to emerge, your coping mechanism is blocking out the feelings and emotions because it wants to protect you.


It will take time to re-associate feelings with memories and it isn't something that will happen overnight.  It is important to keep working through the memories and uncover what is reality and what your brain has invented as part of it's coping mechanism.  Your T should be able to help you with these issues.


One exercise which sometimes helps to regain some kind of perspective on the matter is to imagine the abuse happening to another child, someone you know, and see how you feel when you imagine it happening to them.  This will let you see the 'fondling' from a different angle and reinforce the emotions you should be feeling.


If I have difficulty seeing my abuse through my inner child's eyes, I use an old photograph of myself when I was small.  It helps me gauge how innocent, immature and totally vulnerable I was and removes any adult feelings on the situation.


I hope this helps a little, sometimes just sharing can be a good medicine, but ultimately, if you take things slowly and treat yourself with the respect and kindness you deserve, the healing process can be that little bit less daunting.


Warm regards


Jamie



-- Edited by HAVOCA at 09:45, 2004-09-08

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margaret


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Hi there,
I'm a thirty three year old women who has put of dealing with the sexual abuse i have endured until now. I come froma catholic middle class family in Ireland and the very notion that my father abused me is somewhat un-imagingable. He goes to masx every day and is a pillar of society. But my feelings are true and though we may all negate the fact that 'fondling' is only innocent it is not. I'm at the start of all this and myself find it so so difficult to accept i know how it feels. But I have to say to you as my friends have said to me you will get there,
thinking of you at this awful time,
Margaret.

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HAVOCA


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Thank you Margaret,


I concur with your sentiments totally.


Jamie



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spunk


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I just want to add my voice to this thread and say how brave I think you are to post this.

Accepting that our parents abused us this way is very difficult to do. Many of us have been conditioned to minimized the abuse, to make excuses for the abuser and to tell ourselves that it was no big deal. Often this is part of the family structure, everyone is coached and encouraged to take this view. That was certainly true in my family. The reality of the act may be denied, but the feelings created by the abuse, often not understood by the child, remain. Jamie is right, the task is to re-associate the feelings with the memories.

It is very difficult to heal if we are not allowed to claim our injuries. I brushed off my father's abuse with euphamisms like "sexually inappropriate" and minimized all of it as much as possible for years. Finally, at around age 40, I was able to look at what happened from a real perspective. I applied an adult understanding to my memories of the physical acts, which opened the door for recovering more details, and I began to understand what he did to me as chronic sexual abuse, and also to comprehend the full extent of the physical and emotional abuse that I experience from both my parents. Then I began to really deal with it, to work towards healing.

It wasn't until I was in therapy and discussing the abuse with my T that I was able to safely call it rape. I was still minimizing the experience, explaining that it wasn't rape because he didn't actually penetrate me (everything but). My T said that he had no trouble calling it rape, given my age and the circumstances (I was 3-5 years old). That really sunk in. I started to understand that I needed to give the abuse the full measure of importance that the crime merited. I needed to stop defending myself from the label so that I could connect the deep rage, fear, anxiety, insecurity, that I felt with those acts of abuse. Then I could really work through that whole range of negative feelings that were uncontrolled within me, keeping me from my own happiness, tie them back to the past, and begin to enjoy my life.


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feemarie


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RE: confused and numb
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Hi ellie,


I was also 'fondled' by my father amongst other things.  I have gone on pretending for years that it didnt happen cos i like you didnt know how to think or feel.  I think I'm probably further on than you are however as i have always known.  I feel for you so deeply that this has only just come back to you, I am sure you are very confused and sickened by it.


I cant offer you huge amounts of advice as to what to do as that is down to you and i am only just deciding what to do about my abuse myself, but i wanted you to know you really are not alone.  If you are anything like me im pretty sure youll ve been trying to excuse what your father did or play it down in some way, please dont.  What he did was wrong, so wrong. You have a right to feel all the feelings you are feeling and you need time to sort through them all. I know how hard this is, i really do but i promise that you will find strength to help you deal with it and sort through your thoughts and feelings. 


I hope you keep coming back to this site and take the help and support that i have found here.  You are in my thoughts and are welcome to message me if you wish to have someone to talk to who knows what you are going through.


take gentle care ellie,


fee


x



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ellie


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Dear all,


thank-you all for your replies, I can't explain how much it means that people understand and are willing to give their time and energy in replying


Jamie- thank-you for your advice. I'm still in disbelief and denial about what happened but i keep returning and reading your comments. Just to say that i never thought i could actually participate in a forum about these issues but i'm so pleased that i did. I have been visiting this site frequently over the last few months and have found it a consistant source of support and information.


Margeret- I nearly started to cry when i read your reply, thank-you so much for understanding and being there.


Spunk- everything you say makes perfect sense and i'm sure i will get there it just seems like theres no end to these memories that are coming back.


fee - i cant say enough, your comment have been very comforting.  I am using this site and cant believe how supported i feel.  When i feel a little stronger i would like to message you.


ellie



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