Amanda,

I don't know if this will help you, but this is how I got through one Christmas that changed how I look at all holidays ever since.

One year, when things were particularly bad just after my divorce, I had no-one to spend Christmas day with.  To this day, I don't know what inspired me, but somewhere I just made up my mind that I really wanted to enjoy the day, and the season, for what it meant to me.  I told myself that I deserved to be treated well, even if I had to do it myself.  Luckily for me, I was working and money wasn't a big issue, although I don't think it would have made much difference, even if it was.

I decided that I wanted Christmas presents, a tree, turkey, and decorations.  So I celebrated by myself - bought a tree and decorated it.  When I went Christmas shopping I bought myself presents, and splurged on some beautiful things I really wanted.  I took extra care wrapping all my presents up - they looked wonderful.

Of course, I made sure not to set myself up.  I kept in mind that I was only one person, so didn't make plans that were too elaborate, that would make me feel overwhelmed when it came time to clean up.  I bought a small tree, that just needed a few decorations.  I put it on a stool, covered in a beautiful Christmas fabric, so it really stood out, but was easy to put up, and to take down.  Instead of baking, I bought ready-made food from a good quality deliccatessan.

I did the things that inspired me - watched every special Christmas movie, went for walks in the snow.  I donated to every Christmas charity box I could afford to.  Funny thing, the day didn't feel empty, and I didn't feel bereft.  Instead, I felt like I was giving myself a special treat.  I still treasure the presents I gave myself that day.  They've become some of my own personal 'heirlooms'.  I have good feelings when I look at them.

There was none of the fighting, moaning or misery I remember from family get-togethers. After my estrangement, when I had tried to fit in with other people's plans, I felt like a stray dog that people had to take in.  I would put on the facade, but feel miserable and ashamed.  Almost everything that happened, every ritual, every minute of warmth, reminded me of what I didn't have, and how different I felt.  Oddly enough, being totally alone, I didn't feel any of that.

I can't say that that Christmas was totally without pain or sorrow.  But for the most part it was a very enjoyable day.  Since then I've learned to put my own 'spin' on special days.  If other people don't enjoy it, I let them have their experience, but don't let it ruin mine.  It's important for me to feel the pain from the past, but not on those special days - unless I choose to.  I choose to give the pain other days for remembrance.  I think I've learned to redefine special days with my own 'new' traditions, instead of what I learned in my family. 

I can't say that I've successfully dealt with all the pain that I would normally feel on those days.  Even now, this is the only place I could admit to having spent Christmas alone.  But somehow I've managed to put it in a different place - so that I'm not robbed of the special days I have now.  I'm not really sure how I did it - something just 'clicked' for me.

I hope you can find your own way to let yourself celebrate the good things in your life and, more importantly, to stop the past from robbing you of your present, and your future.

Warmest regards,

Jacqueline